The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My emotions are all over the place. I get the keys for my apartment on Friday, but I keep thinking about alcoholic. How will he manage to pay the bills, the mortgage, other bills he has. I know its not my problem but I worry for him as he is not working currently. He is on unemployment insurance and I fear for him. I feel scared to be leaving him on his own and the dreams we shared, are all gone but I know I can not live in the insanity another day. I have to pack and I worry, will he stop me. I have to get boxes, disconnect the cable and his favorite net flex as its all in my name. He loves to sit and watch TV and drink and drink. I am taking all that away from him and I fear he will snap. I know this is the sane thing to do, move out but I am afraid, afraid of what is going to happen if I leave. What will happen to the house? How is he is going to manage? What things do I leave behind? I still have a truck and tent tailor and I still have title on house and want to leave some of my things behind that I do not need urgently for now. I believe i can leave some things behind that I can get later. I worry, what about the house what will happen if he can not make payments. I can not afford two residents. I know he has to make some changes in his life too, and I keep thinking, this is only temporary, I just need to move one foot in front of other and take things one moment at a time. I am just feeling so confused right now. I am scared and going am I doing the right thing? Is this right choice. Of course it is. He needs to deal with himself what ever that looks like. I can not help him anymore. I have tried and tried and it has done no good. His alcoholism is worse now then ever and its bad and I can help. He now has to be responsible for himself and get back to work and pay his own way. He did it before and I am sure he can do it again. I have to keep reminding myself that. Now that he is financially broke, he is forced to sober up. I will not provide money to him. I am not there so that helps a lot! I am trying to be civil with him on the phone and be kind. Its no use flipping out and arguing. I am so tired of the up and down insanity of the drunkenness. I am sick as well and this moving will be a challenge. OMG. I however have to do this for me!
Of course it is scary but as you say, one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. You do not have to worry about what he will do any more. Just think of some guy on the other side of the world who has bad habits and a bad sense of responsibility. Do you worry about that guy? No, you don't. Just the same, don't worry about this guy. A's have an amazing ability to fend for themselves. And his HP is looking at the situation right now. Maybe some consequences are just what he needs. It's out of your hands - as it always was. Time to think about your own plans and life and how to make them wonderful. And remember, do not go back to the house without police escort. Take care of yourself!
Its natural to worry, habitual even. I've heard of scheduling worry time, say five minutes where you give yourself permission to worry then let it go or in alanon terms hand it over. Maybe a lawyer at a community center could help with the house title or at least give ideas on your position? I think you're doing amazing.
I think all your fears and doubts Are natural. We become addicted to them so your addiction to him and the chaos excitement and drama is trying really hard to have lots of reasons not to do this. Pray for the courage because you are most likely doing the most loving, caring and kind thing for him and you ever. Think logically, could you and him keep going in all this pain? It was harmful for you and him. Keep pushing through, you may both get what you need here x
I don't know if this will help but when my mind wonders away from me and my recovery, I use the slogans to bring me back to the present. Once I realize I am standing tall in the moment and breathing, it seems to be a bit easier to put one foot in front of the other, just for today.
We never know what another will do/think/act/say and projection in my life was never productive. You are working your program for your recovery and know that no matter how much we worry and care for another, we can't carry them or cure them.
(((Hugs))) - Joker - keep coming back and breathe!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I may very well be in your situation in a few months time and I don't know how he will cope but as suggested earlier they have an amazing ability to bounce back. The thing is, will I cope? That's where our focus needs to be, on ourselves and our own needs. Just looking for a place to live is doing my head in when I already have a comfortable home. I look forward to reading more about your continuing journey to help me keep strong.
I'm a first time poster but I'm debating on whether or not to be in the same shoes as you are. I'm getting so frustrated with my own living situation. My alcoholic likes to hide alcohol in the house (if he's not drinking beer in front of me) and I always find it. We are coming up on our one year lease in about a month and I've been looking for a room to rent for myself. Cable and internet are in my name as well, so to avoid paying a huge penalty, I'll have to let it continue until the year is up or have it go under his name.
I worry too about how he's going to pay bills if/when I leave too. It consumes me sometimes but really, I DO have to think of myself. I can't continue to babysit him, clean up after him and wander around the house looking for his stashes. My chest has been tight and full of pressure (like a panic attack) for nearly a week now. I can't do this anymore.
Welcome to MIP MissWaffle - glad that you found us and glad that you shared! You are welcome to start a new thread if desired, but certainly don't have to.
Keep coming back - let us know if you're in Al-Anon or new to the program. It's been a game-changer for me and made me whole again!
You are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
