The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
hi everyone, it's been a while. Though I've not been posting, I still go and read posts from here. My husband has not been drinking, at least for a while (was that because I told him he could could seek help because I believe he has drinking problem and that he wants to prove that he's not), he denies he's an alcoholic and so he's back to drinking "once in a while" according to him. But I know I'm in it again, the "ride", the weekly occasions that he always have an excuse, to see friends that he's not seen for such a long time (that's his latest excuse after I saw some friends whom I have not seen for years). I tried to detach but couldn't do it with love. I couldn't love him anymore. I told him it's our mistake for not seeing before we got married that I couldn't live with an alcoholic & that he's looking for someone who can live with his "disease". I'm trying to be true to my marriage vows but it is so hard living with a man who makes life difficult for me and I couldn't find any love in my heart to bear all these. But I am lonely, so lonely with all that is happening. I already told him I don't think our marriage will work, love is already absent in our relationship. I don't know why he still stays, is it because he doesn't have a job right now (but he's got some savings that I'm willing to give all to him), that he doesn't want to go back to his family of origin at his age of 56, or that he's been used to having me around for everything to keep life going. He's saying it's too late to separate now, that we just have to live with it. But he's making me miserable with all that he's doing and behavior ( i guess I need not elaborate because you all know what these are).
I'm really having a hard time here, and during this times that I need to pour it out here. Sorry for not sharing ESH lately. It's been really tough lately...
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had to roll my eyes at his claim that it's "too late to separate now" - since when did he get all the votes? I don't mean to be frivolous - I guess that it's just that he reminds me of my ex-AH. After we divorced he told me he wanted to get relationship counseling so that I would be nicer to him and not avoid him all the time. Hello! One of the main points of being divorced is that you no longer have to try to be together! Anyway, I shouldn't be so snide - but it sounds as if yours has that old alcoholic gaslighting thing going on. I know you will do what's necessary for you. Take good care of yourself.
I've been doing a lot of thinking & self examination lately. For those who remember my posts, I'm the one living in a place where there's no f2f & i have no sponsor. My husband hasn't drank as much as frequent and much as before but he exhibits behavior that is very typical of an alcoholic even when he's sober. Lately I think he's again showing some consistencies in his drinking, frequency, reasoning etc. Anyways, I tried to manage to ignore and detach from him. There are times I couldn't help but react, but I manage to stop & control, forgive myself for reacting. For those who remember I posted before that my husband is jobless at the moment and I'm the one working for our living, I work from home doing freelance jobs. We're not hard up financially but i really have to work a lot. We used to have a housemaid, a privilege we still enjoy in my country but the scarcity of such help is diminishing. And so our housemaid resigned and we have to do all the household chores now. As I have posted before, we have no kids and we live in the house of my 83 year old widowed mom. And so the insecurity of my husband (on his manhood?) has become even more complicated having no job and now has to do household chores. Pressure on me having to work and do household chores has intensified and many times I would expect my husband to do the household chores and not expect me to do it. I find it so unfair for him to still go out drinking in spite of the situation, when he knew that i'm really so affected by this. How can he be so insensitive? Of course he is, and so I keep it to myself doing all my best to use all the tools I learned from Al-anon. I did what I have to do expecting no help from him. He would do some chores in the house but would always call me out for some help, what to do with something and even point out to me some chores undone or done wrongly -- is this his way of convincing himself that he's the man of the house? I would tell him that I'm expecting nothing from anyone but that since we all live together I think the best thing to do is to voluntarily do what can be done to make life manageable and pleasant for everyone. I managed for a time not until my mom approached me about her disgust towards my husband for calling me all the time for some help or asking me to do this and that, asking me still? if my husband doesn't know that I'm working, why is he bothering me all the time. With all the emotions kept inside of me, I blurted to her that if my husband annoys her so much she could ask him to leave the house for all I care. I would even thank her for doing so. Of course, she was startled and told me she didn't mean it that way, that it's not for her to ask my husband to leave and that she only told me that because she pity me. Anyway I felt so bad for myself and the next instance my husband displayed another insensitivity together with another mention of a drink this weekend, again I flared up, which led to the first post on this thread.
Now I'm back to my devastated self, unsure, unhappy, lonely, a mix of emotions that's just wanting to shout and shut out :((
I am sorry that you are going through this, it does sound as though you are feeling the strain, which is only natural considering the circumstances. I know that when I find myself doing all the chores and managing our lives on my own my resentment grows. So for me it is really important that I balance the chores with doing things that I enjoy - outings, nice walks, bubble bath etc.
My husband's behaviour has been similar to what you are experiencing and I no longer interrupt what I'm doing to help him do things that he is capable of doing for himself.
I decided that I did not want to be a bitter, lonely old lady and was fearful that I was stepping onto that path so I spent some time figuring out what I needed to let into my life now to help me feel grateful for these years of my life when I come to be looking back on them in my old age.
You are not alone, keep reaching out. Are you able to get a new housemaid? Seems to me that will help you to enjoy your time off work more easily. I know that I am capable of doing some really stinking thinking when I've got a scrubbing brush in hand!!
I actually barked when I read Mattie's response in regards to her eyeball rolling because I did something along the same lines however my trigger was the whole issue of him not having a job and why he won't go away.
If I could not work and do what I wanted to do I would not leave the situation .. LOL .. why would I?
I am very, very sorry for your isolation and the pain that you are in, do keep coming back here and maybe you can do the online meetings as well as find an online sponsor .. do something that will help you.
To late my butt .. trust me when I tell you I have been having the time of my life and I am not much younger than you are currently .. no it's not easy and I'm dragging 2 kids through it with me .. we have all gotten a little muddy however it's all good.
Big hugs and hang in sister .. you are not alone,
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am sorry for your pain and hurt Jocel, do the
online meetings if you can. There is a Step board
too. Do you have any literature to Read? This is
A tough road with no FTF mtgs.
You tube has lots of free speaker tapes, keep
Reaching out for support.
No one will tell you what to do about your
Marriage unless there is abuse. Thats a very
Personal choice and decision. Some can do it
Others can't.
My xah was dry our whole marriage I dont think
i would have stayed if he relapsed by drinking.
He relapsed in many Other ways though. Often
times Dry does not equal sober unless they are
working A strong recovery program such as AA.
Jocelgp,
I can relate so well to your post. Life with an active A is confusing, frustrating, sad and lonely for me. I know that in my marriage there is a dance we do, and it is so full of dis-ease that I get weary just thinking about it. I also know when I am reading literature, attended my F2F meetings, listening to speakers on YouTube and spending time in prayer and meditation with my HP, I feel better. Things are still crazy, confusing, etc., but I feel a little more removed from it all, and a lot more centered. In the middle of the chaos of alcoholism, I tend to feel like I am spinning out of control and debris is whirling all around me. Like Dorothy in the tornado on her way to Oz!! But there is a calm in the eye of the storm when we are centered and focused on our own recovery. When I first heard that it was possible to be serene and peaceful in the middle of the mess I thought it was a fairy tale, or something that super spiritual people may get, but not me. Now I know that when I practice my program, I too can share in that peace.
I hope you too will find your way to the eye of the storm and find your peace. I am praying for you!
Big hugs!
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Are you able to get a new housemaid? Seems to me that will help you to enjoy your time off work more easily. I know that I am capable of doing some really stinking thinking when I've got a scrubbing brush in hand!!