The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need some support you guys! I actually posted a long and heartfelt message last night, but it didn't post! Here's take 2....
My boyfriend and I recently broke up. We've been together only for about two months, but he sincerely is one of my best friends and I love him. We went through some difficult stuff together, both experiencing sexual assault, me twice a while ago, but him once more recently. He was the first partner I was able to be honest about that and discuss some of the issues of intimacy we both had. We had such an amazing beginning to our relationship, and I was so excited to have so many more fun experiences together (not to say that still can't happen, even if it looks a little different).
His alcoholism really escalated over a couple weeks, going from drinking with friends on the weekend to daily drinking by himself. His parents are both recovering alcoholics, so he has built in support, but no one was aware of how bad his drinking had gotten, just reminding him to be careful. I was having a particularly tough time and he came over to console me, leading to an emotional realization he, too, had a drinking problem. This is really an addiction problem, as he's had an addiction to soda and junk food since he was little, it's just recently switched to alcohol. This led to a weekend of him and I in and out of the hospital, supporting him to the point of almost falling behind in my responsibilities.
It's been two weeks since that weekend, I've been able to start righting myself and we've been giving each other space. We came to the decision to break up last night, and though it hurts, I think it's important for us to both focus on our own journeys for a while. Last night I was able to have my ugly cry, and I feel a lot better about the situation. I want to know what are some healthy ways to be there for him, I am extremely proud of his resolve to get better (lots and lots and lots of meetings!). I know he's still in the beginning of this process and it was a hard decision for both of us to decide to focus on some other positive changes to our lives. I really just want to know more and how best to educate myself. Virtual hugs are also appreciated.
-- Edited by OptimisticPi on Friday 5th of August 2016 10:29:30 AM
Welcome to Hugs Central (((((((OptimisticPi)))))))),
It sounds as if you have both made a good start by realising that your focus needs to be on you and individuals.
For me the best way to educate myself was to read here and also to attend Alanon meetings - they can be found in most neighbourhoods. There are online meetings here twice a day as well, but face to face meetings are a really good start - it was a game changer for me because I found such a warm and unconditional welcome there.
We become addicted ourselves in a way and I know I found it difficult to take my attention off my husband's needs - I was overly concerned and forgot about my own feelings and needs. There is your boyfriend's recover and then there is yours - which is just as important. I found that it was helpful in my case to back off, leave my husband to go through his process, be myself (which took a bit of figuring out on my part!), and not pay much attention to any addiction issues (apart from my own).
Alanon has taught me and I think that makes me a more relaxed and comfortable person to be around - it is empowering me to be me!!
-- Edited by milkwood on Friday 5th of August 2016 12:56:26 PM
I too welcome you to MIP! Glad you found us and glad that you shared. I echo the suggestion of Al-Anon. It's a great way to understand how another's actions, disease, addictions, emotions, etc. affect our own life, thinking, actions/reactions. This will also give you tools to set boundaries for supporting him without self-sacrifice as well as how to detach with love.
Keep coming back - there is hope and help and serenity not too far up the journey!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you guys so much! I surprised him at his work today and we talked for a bit. His family and I are close as well, he let me know they said I'm always welcome to talk with them, which feels really good. Last night I was going through a lot of emotions, but most surprisingly was the relief I felt from his baggage being lifted. I feel much lighter, but more aware of my own issues I'm finally ready to tackle. It's all very bittersweet. I'll definitely think about the alanon meetings as well.
