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Talked with my husband's uncle yesterday - he said to call anytime to vent or ask questions. I had a really rough day at work yesterday and was looking forward to the treat of getting my hair cut. When I left the salon AH sent a text - 'kids are awesome, please bring home ginger ale and beer.'
I called him and checked in about the kids - he had a great evening with them and was almost out of ginger ale. When I asked about the beer, he said 'yea, something light' I said I'd pick up the ginger ale and be home soon. Then called his uncle. I asked if he had talked to AH in the past couple days since the meeting and he hadn't. I explained the denial and 'managing' behaviors, what I had been doing, my frustrations, and if he had any recommendations or wisdom. He said somethings I found interesting. As a sponsor and house leader for a recovering home in his town he has had to act out tough limits and consequences - and has been often thanked afterwards by those who were effected by the tough limits. As AH's uncle, he has been treading a bit more lightly as to not break the family bond, but perhaps he can ask some tougher questions. One thing he often asks those in his house who call saying they really want a beer is to 'sell him' on why they should have one and then respond to their answers. He did say that the one positive thing about this 'resigning/bargaining' AH is doing is that it signals the 'next step' in his thinking. It's 'normal' to try to make the problem anything but the alcohol, he said he went through the same thing and sees others go through it all the time. While I'm glad it's normal, I'm still not happy with him drinking at home right now - especially with his DUI stuff. It was helpful to talk to AH's uncle and get his perspective. Also have had some tears happening which is good - release and refresh.
When I got home I talked with AH and said if he really feels he needs to drink he can go elsewhere. That it was his decision and I wasn't going to be responsible for his choices. I would fully support his not drinking, and gave him the ginger ale I bought. He was upset and chose not to have another drink. He still thinks the problem is not the beer, but the depression. I don't know what this will mean for the future, but for now this is how I feel things have to be for me at home right now.
And here's my whiney rant, it feels very selfish, please don't judge, just need to get it off my chest and maybe relieve a bit more anger
I've been with AH since he was 16, and he wasn't always an active A. I miss him. I miss feeling love, without qualifications. I want normal - I want to have a beer and eat dinner, I want to go out to the beach house, I want to have friends over, I just want a normal, healthy relationship with my husband and alcohol. I want my kids to have a normal family with normal everything. I just want things to go back to normal already!
There - done - thanks for listening.
-- Edited by LadyM1 on Thursday 4th of August 2016 09:24:25 AM
(((Lady M1))) you are definitely not alone. I recall saying almost the same to my sponsor many years ago. She reminded me that I was human and that by using alanon tools, I would be able to accept life on life's terms, not my own, and be happy joyful and courageous That sounded good to me. Keep coming back
Thanks Betty - I just feel like a child again who can't make her own decisions because everything is revolving around him and this DUI. I am a grown adult who should not have to put up with this stuff - feeling really overwhelmed and this was the last straw. I should be able to have a freakin beer if I want, or have people over for a summer bonfire who can also handle alcohol. I really want to be celebrating my new job, but my home life is just so full of stress it's hard to enjoy anything today. I don't mean to have a pity party right now, but thats where I am it seems.
I'm so tired of being strong all the time. My soul is tired. Tell me, does anybody have any part of a normal life living with an alcoholic or does it take leaving to be free?
It took me a long time to adapt to my "new normal". I get where you feel you just want to be able to have a beer with dinner or have friends over for a party. You are not being selfish and this is a big change for you. For me at first it was so strange to not have drinking in our lives. All of our friends are pretty big drinkers so we virtually dropped off the social circuit because I just didn't know how we could socialize without my AH being tempted to drink. Sure we lost touch with a few friends that were big partiers but I have to say after a year since my husband has been sober our new normal is way way better. I don't really drink anymore (besides a glass a wine out at dinner if we venture to a restaurant) but we do other fun things. We are both healthier and more active. I have found I have so much more patients for my kids as I am not tired on the weekends and my husband is the same. Sending you well wishes and positive thoughts. Hang in there.
I too can relate and had to truly realize that what I wanted wasn't necessarily what others wanted, including my God. I had to learn to stay present, enjoy what it and focus on what's good vs. what's missing. The program, a good sponsor, meetings, steps - all of this was necessary for me to find the changed outlook/attitude that propelled me into a 'new normal'. I still don't know what it's all about but I know it's significantly better than how I was living/thinking before!
Hope was the best gift of early recovery. Hope for a better day, a better tomorrow and a new way of doing/being. Just keep processing and that's how we 'see' what needs to change!
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the responses everyone. I guess I don't know if I want to separate from family and friends - I think I'd rather keep those relationships strong rather than put too much into a relationship that has already hurt me so much. It's not just the drinking that has affected everything - there are some sexual things that have been putting strain - mainly AH being bisexual and having problems staying off chat rooms. Sex is an addiction too. Sigh - I've been detaching for so long it's hard to open up to him again this time.
Maybe I'll feel differently after I've had more time to process and rest.
Love to you all and thank you for the insight and experiences
Before my AH was sober he also had decided that the alcohol was not the problem but that it was Mental Health issues that he needed to get addressed. So about 3 years ago he found a Psychiatrist and changed medications more times than I can count,started taking 6 daily prescriptions but the drinking kept getting worse. He has been sober now for 6 months and is just now starting to wonder if he should talk to his doctor about slowly cutting back on some of the medications. I truly believe that my AH would not have had the ability to get sober without first addressing his Mental Health and the 2 things feed each other. He would drink to numb his anxiety, the alcohol would make him more anxious, wash, rinse and repeat.
My AH has declared our house an alcohol free zone as well. At first I really did not like the idea, I am a normal drinker why should I change, but he set that boundary and I choose to respect it. The people in our lives know that he is in recovery and respect that as well. It is not my job to safe guard his sobriety and to police his actions , in my experience I have a better chance of my AH respecting my boundaries if I respect his. His boundaries have also shifted as time has passed. In the beginning he had a hard time even being near alcohol, it did not matter if it was something he would never choose to drink it was too hard for him to even see the bottles. Then around day 70 when the obsession lifted he started suggesting I order a drink when we went out to dinner. I was caught off guard and was worried that he was pushing himself to far too quickly. The first time I enjoyed an iced tea but the next time he ordered my favorite drink for me just to prove that he was really ok. I realized then that his recovery does not need to take over MY life. Now I will have a drink or 2 at dinner, grab a beer at a friends BBQ and it doesn't bother him at all. Although he does ask that I brush my teeth before he kisses me if I have been drinking beer so he doesn't taste it on me. It seems reasonable enough to me, Beer was always his drink of choice and I am happy to oblige. Now at 6 months in he is trying to convince me that its ok to buy a bottle of wine to have at home. To be honest I do not really miss it being in the house but I now have that option.
When my AH was getting to the end of his drinking career I missed who he was when he wasn't drinking as much. Then when he decided to get sober and his mood swings were all over the map, I missed who he was when he was polishing off a bottle of Whiskey(the beer didnt cut it anymore) every evening. Now he is a better version of the man I married and has a sparkle in his eye that I do not remember seeing ever. My point is change is terrifying and I too was desperate to return to "normal" and that the growing pains were very very real and they are STILL very real. I no longer find myself missing the old version of him, I try and enjoy who he is today. It is almost like dating all over again, we are both having to get to know each other all over again.
The process of getting sober is a very selfish one. As a wife it was a tough thing to deal with, I was always the focus of his attention. We were best friends and we spent all of our free time together. But then AA started taking up more and more of his free time. I did not always handle it with grace but I am glad he is sober and I am happy with today.
Your feelings are valid and you have as much right to have them as the next person, you do not need to minimize that. Recovery is one heck of an emotional roller coaster so go easy on yourself (((hugs)))
Thank you pinkchip and rinn! You made me smile - it can be hard to see the progress I've made when I feel low. :)
Knit - your story echos my current experience so closely - it's nice to hear how this too will change, hopefully for the better! ;)
I've always been a 'quick product' person and can be impatient with setbacks and processing in circles. Just get it done already so we can move on lol. Doesn't work all the time, I know, and I hate having my fate tied to someone else's decisions. I'll read your post often as I go through this part of my journey - it gives me hope
My middle name should probably be instant gratification, lol. I have always had a hard time understanding why people to choose to suffer when there are so many options to change right in front of them. So watching my AH make the choice to get sober was an interesting one for sure. I have only recently found this message board and have only been to a few face to face meetings and I have yet to find one that feels right. I was also worried about losing our social circles but what I found was that the people who meant the most to us are still here. We have lost a few couples who we would go wine tasting with or the like but that is ok. We have made new friends in AA who understand the struggles and the blessings.
My story does differ slightly in that we have no children and I was spared a lot of the heartache because we rarely spent any time together at the end of his drinking. He was working nights and I was working days so he was sober for the 2 hours I would see him and then I would be asleep by the time he got home and really hit the bottle. I will tell you that my Father, while not an alcoholic, has struggled with mental health issues my whole childhood. When I was in late elementary school/early middle school my parents marriage was completely broken. I remember my mother being miserable and my father just seeming like he could not be bothered with any of it. It escalated to the point that they called a family meeting and told us they were getting a divorce. Now that divorce never happened but I watched both of my parents seek help in counseling, both alone and as a couple, my Sister and I used to hope that they would just hurry up and get divorced so that all the arguing would stop. Slowly they became friends again and reached a new 'normal', they never seemed happy but they never seemed as sad either. When my younger sister graduated high school and moved out I thought that they would separate for good. Instead I watched them rediscover who the other person was, things that they have in common, they hold hands again, and really talk again.
I say all of that to say this...20 years later I am grateful that they stayed married. They showed me what marriage looks like, its not always good and its not always bad. It is possible to come back from heart break and hatred. I do not resent them for those lessons I find myself drawing strength from them in my own marriage. I remember the great memories and the love far more than I remember the fighting. Children are incredibly resilient and they may not even recognize that "normal" has changed, I know that I never did, I just remembered my mom smiling more often. It is only with hindsight that I see the changes their relationship went through.
Your fate does not have to be tied to another person unless you choose to let it be. You deserve happiness no matter what that looks like. That is a daily struggle for me, the last few days have been good but you do not have to go back very far to see my feelings on a not so good day.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________ we must alter our lives in order to alter our hearts, for it is impossible to live one way and pray another.
