The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My alcoholic has been struggling since December with recovery, in and out of rehabs and always relapsing. Whether it is him just doing the programs to make others happy and to say look I graduated or what. I don't really know what he is thinking, if he truely wants to recover and break-up with alcohol (and that lovely Xanax) or if he still has thoughts that he knows he is going to use. He is an extreme alcoholic, in all ways and shapes. Never one drink it is always 4/5 days and mixing with Xanax and detoxing afterwards.
The biggest problem he has with recovery is his want to always control and say what he will be doing. When he is at his low point and just messes up (this past time was the worst, waking up to him seizing in bed and having to call 911), at the hospital he said he knows he is close to death and he will do anything to get better and listen to everyone. I said I didn't feel comfortable with him in the house until he had stronger foundation set under his feet. We decided on him going to the lake house with sober companions and he would return when he completed the 5th step. Now a week and a half into him being there he is constantly getting mad at me because he wants to come home next week and I will have to let him and have to trust him that he is doing good. He doesn't want to go back to where he was he is fine. We also said a sober companion would come back to the house after the lake and be with us for 30 days and now he says no that isn't going to happen it can be a couple of days. He always says he isn't living by my standards and he isn't going to be babysat the rest of his life.
I never know how to react. I of course get instantly hurt and angry. I don't know what to do. I do not trust alcoholism, I don't understand how he can. This madness has been going on for so long, but do I say okay and see how it plays out deep down assuming it will end with him sneaking either drinks or Xanax around. Or do I say he can't come back.
With wanting to control and be in control its like he just wants to control me too and has no care for everything he has put me through. That is a huge pill to swallow. I don't want pity, but acknowledgment and some scencereity would be really nice.
Hi 12345 I understand your concerns and would just like to suggest that alcoholism is a 3 fold chronic , progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. It affects the mind, body and spirit of all that it comes in contact with, so that not only the alcoholic but the family as well need a program of recovery of their own.
We need to accept that we are powerless over the disease and the best we can do is develop new constructive tools to live by. Alanon can help you to do just that. Face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages . Here I broke the isolation caused by living with this"Thinking disease" and received the support I needed. Living one day at a time, focused on myself accepting my powerlessness was a great gift to give myself.
I understand. I have experienced similar things: the seizures in bed, the denial of alcohol as a cause, the fear of him coming back into the home, the elaborate rules in an attempt to prevent his drinking...
I just want you to know you are not alone. As Hotrod suggested, I also found great relief and wisdom in Alanon meetings and literature. One thing I learned was that boundaries are what I could set for myself, not for the other person, because attempts to control the other person are bound to be futile. I also learned how alcoholism affects thinking -- the alcoholic ' s and mine, so I could not expect clear thinking until I got some help.
This is a tough road, but you don't have to walk it alone.
I understand those feelings and the confusion and the not knowing what the right thing to do is and wanting to believe it will be different this time. Its awful. Your right to not trust this disease, its progressive and life threatening and not only to the drinker. The health risks are real for you too, constantly living on the edge, with insanity and crisis after crisis.
Only one thing freed me, Alanon - regular meetings, reading of as much of the conference approved literature as I could, getting phone numbers and keeping in touch with those that truly understand, getting a sponsor. All of that changed everything for me and my family. In alanon the idea is when one person is thinking rationally and sanely then the whole family benefit. Its true.
