The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, I have a pressing problem. My brother is four years younger than me and growing up I was very bossy and know that at times I still am to him. I'm working on it though. He has been known to be sort of grumpy though. He got upset with me the other day and punched the gate of my house. I've never seen him get that upset at anyone, let alone me. I don't think I deserved it. He had been driving in traffic with his family and I know he was stressed. I apologized for my part in the problem but he doesn't accept my apology and I am sad that he was that angry with me that he had to punch the gate. He does not let go of past arguments or resentments and usually puts the blame on me for why he is feeling so upset. I try to resolve issues with him and I let things go, but he doesn't. It really hurts. I am practicing "detachment" and slowly am just accepting the fact that he might never let go of past hurts and resentments and I realize that what he thinks of me is none of my business. I can't change him or how he feels about me and have to keep saying the Serenity Prayer. I pray that one day we will be able to resolve our issues.
I guess my question is, how to just live with knowing someone "feels" I have done them wrong. I want to write him a letter but he is not ready to accept any kind of resolve. I really haven't done anything that bad or wrong and I really hate thinking that my brother is so angry with me.
I have 3 brothers and am the youngest. We're all in our 50's now, but in my late teens, I hurt them and our parents with my choices. My parents and my 2 oldest brothers have forgiven me and we all get along just fine. My brother closest in age doesn't really forgive me - maybe he does, but he's certainly not forgotten. We are civil and I've helped him out and he's helped me out as adults, but we're not close like we used to be as kids.
We can not ever control another person - how they feel, think, act or react. We can only do our part and hope for the right outcome. My experience is that actions speak louder than words - living amends has worked well for me.
What someone else thinks is none of my business --- heard this early on and it's been a handy tool for me in recovery.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sometimes it helps to think of it this way: that when we try to influence how another person thinks of us, we're trying to control them. It sounds as if your brother has some anger issues and some emotional challenges. That's too bad but it's also okay - he gets to have whatever issues he happens to have. It's like somebody next door believing aliens are stealing his daffodils. It might be crazytown thinking, but also he gets to have crazytown thinking.
Your brother punching your gate is a little worrying because although he is entitled to whatever feelings he feels, he's not entitled to be violent. I hope he is not inclined to become more aggressive. In that case you would need to take action to keep yourself safe - involving the authorities or whatever. But if he's just acting out, I think it may be like a toddler acting out - the less attention you give their bad behavior, the better. When people behave badly, we tend to overfocus on them. That means we underfocus on ourselves. Putting the focus back on our own lives and the parts we can control always helps deescalate the problem. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
andream It sounds asif you have a nice grasp on the alanon program so i would simply reply that by working the Steps and making ammends in situations that you identified that you have acted poorly then you have taken care of your side of the street. Accepting the fact that we are powerless over people places and things help me to let og of trying to make the other person like me, be happy or forgive. I made my amends and let go of my anger and guilt . My mom could never let go of any disappointment, hurt or imagined slights I was powerless over that fact but could still treat her with respect, empathy and detachment with love. I found that it is important to take care of yourself before trying to calm anyone else. Keep coming back
