The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So AH this week has connected with his uncle who is 12 years sober as of today (yea for him! ) and he had some great descriptors of alcoholism and insights which he shared with both of us. He told AH that when your actions go so far against your value system (i.e. driving drunk when it's never anything you would ever 'think' of doing normally) is a huge red flag that something is really wrong. So AH went to two AA meetings, but doesn't feel like the steps and 'god stuff' fit his personality (I suggested a secular meeting, but he said none around here (with no real research involved however). I think he's looking for excuses, but he is in denial after all. He also met with a counselor and he thinks that will help, but not group work. He believes if he addresses the depression and other underlying issues he has been suppressing that there will be no problem with alcohol. I told him I disagree and that in counseling it can help to talk, but maybe AA would be the place to just listen. He mentioned a lot of issues with thinking of himself having a problem with alcohol, depression etc. because he's supposed to be strong and he really doesn't have anything to be sad about. I can see how far he has to go and this mindset also explains why he found the people at AA 'a bit whiney'.
Set a boundary with him. If he chooses to drink, however he thinks he can 'manage it' (i.e. alternate one beer & one non-alcoholic drink), and things spiral again he needs go go live on his boat. I will still love him and support his journey, I am proud of him for stepping outside his comfort zone and cautioned him to remain open, even if it's uncomfortable. However, I will not tolerate a relapse. Figure it out and then come back. Maybe.
Thanks for listening and I'll update as we go through this!
Metta - my hope is that you look after your recovery so that whatever he does, you're taking good care of you! The denial is often very strong and most alcoholics do not stop until/unless they hit a bottom. A bottom is also a personal step of the journey and some go lower than others.
Keep taking care of you whatever that may look like and keep coming back.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Uncle had a good insight. My wife tried to pick up my son and his two friend from school with BAC of 0.25. She would NEVER do that normally, that and getting thrown in jail without bail for a week put her at her bottom. It has brought a lot of shame on her, which is often one of the driving forces in alcoholics once they get in the spiral. It also resulted in her getting serious and doing the steps.
Meanwhile, I joined Al Anon, because I had hit my bottom as well. Thanks HP for it, I have learned so mcuh in how to deal with alcohol, and what not to deal with and give to my wife.
) and he had some great descriptors of alcoholism and insights which he shared with both of us. He told AH that when your actions go so far against your value system (i.e. driving drunk when it's never anything you would ever 'think' of doing normally) is a huge red flag that something is really wrong. So AH went to two AA meetings, but doesn't feel like the steps and 'god stuff' fit his personality (I suggested a secular meeting, but he said none around here (with no real research involved however). I think he's looking for excuses, but he is in denial after all. He also met with a counselor and he thinks that will help, but not group work. He believes if he addresses the depression and other underlying issues he has been suppressing that there will be no problem with alcohol. I told him I disagree and that in counseling it can help to talk, but maybe AA would be the place to just listen. He mentioned a lot of issues with thinking of himself having a problem with alcohol, depression etc. because he's supposed to be strong and he really doesn't have anything to be sad about. I can see how far he has to go and this mindset also explains why he found the people at AA 'a bit whiney'.