The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, may name is Lauren and I am very new to all of this. My husband has been home for about 4 months and all was great, until recently. He seems to be demonstrating some dry drunk symtoms. Just not as positive and restless. He did relapse about a month ago, and has realized what he did wrong. He wants to be sober, but between his job, is and work he is having trouble getting super into AA. I have yet to have gone to an Al-anon meeting, a though I really want to I am also very nervous. I just want to help him and I don't know how. He is such a better person now, and we are so much happier. Any advice wo be greatly appreciated.
Sorry for the spelling errors. I was holding my youngest. Anything would be appreciated, I am so scared. It has been a very hard 13 years for me, I don't want to ever go back.
Thank you!
Welcome Lauren,I do understand your concern and have felt the same fear and anxiety myself. Alcoholism is a dreadful, chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. We who live with the disease are powerless over it, but unfortunately, we become infected by the attitudes and by trying to cope with the insanity and need a program of recovery of our own. We need this in order to regain our self-esteem and our ability to respond to situations and stop reacting.
Al-Anon is that program and face-to-face meetings are held in most communities. It is here I learned to break the isolation caused by the disease and received the support necessary in order for me to learn how to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time and make healthy decisions for my family and myself. I was not given a toolbox of how to fix my husband and that was what I wanted but I was given a toolbox to save my sanity and my life.
Really the best thing you can do to help him is to get to an Al anon meeting. There you will learn what you can and can't do for him, and you will learn to take the focus off him and put it back on yourself (and that cute one in your lap ).
Meanwhile, keep reading here, and if you are still nervous we have online meetings you can go to. I was very nervous my first meeting, but I found myself to suddenly be surrounded by people that not only understood my situation, but were offering me help for it and not shaming me or my wife, I was very quickly at ease there.
Thank you both so very much for your kind and informative words.
I just looked up the local meetings info again and am going to commit and go.
I do feel very isolated from friends since we got back together. They were happy for us, but didn't want to be around us I guess since we no longer drink. I definitely need the support group.
Thank you again, writing on here was something I needed to do to breakthrough my nervousness I guess.
Hello and welcome Lauren! So glad you found us and so glad you shared. I too would suggest a meeting and I also understand that fear of going. The best thing I can share about Al-Anon is that everyone there truly understands where you are - no matter where you are. Each has their own story, their own qualifier and their own concern about the disease, the affects of the disease, etc. It's truly a unique opportunity to be understood without any judgement and advice giving - just sharing, listening, being anonymous and real.
Reading around here, gathering some literature either at a meeting or by visiting the Al-Anon official site or even a library will help you gain more insight into the disease and how it progresses and stretches. You are not alone and there is help and hope in recovery.
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I, too, have a recently sober A and it was great at first- she was positive and remorseful, helping out and talking. I think in AA they call it the pink cloud. Well, it didn't last, and the fights started up and my resentment returned. When I finally snapped out in anger, thinking great- here we go again and how much more of this can I take, I knew I hadn't been taking care of myself (my A also is dealing with the consequences of heavy drinking being in and out of the hospital). So, I went back. Actually a week long marathon of f2f and online meetings. It's been very helpful. As scary as making that first step to go to a meeting, I will tell you from experience that I soaked it all in. Everyone is super nice and supportive. I felt a weight lift off of my shoulders. My problems are still there, but I can deal with them with a more level head thanks to al anon. Please keep coming back and finding support.
-- Edited by gabigail on Tuesday 2nd of August 2016 02:12:10 PM
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Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Hi Lauren and welcome. I remember my first meeting and how nervous I was. I will say the hardest part for me was getting through the door of that meeting but once there I had such a sense of relief. I agree that the best thing you can do for him is to go to a meeting. Also, there is plenty of books about Alcoholism and its affect on loved ones and spouses. I would suggest reading as much as you can if you have time (sounds like you are a mother of a small one). There are also podcast you can listen to which I love to use if I am feeling anxious and do not have a face-to-face meeting to go to. Just know that you are not alone.
Glad your here. I lived with a dry drunk husband for a time too and I was so grateful to him for being sober that i let him walk all over the top of me. He was also very negative and so was I. It wasnt a happy time really although in my mind anything was better than the drinking.
I went to Alanon four years ago and I learned about the disease of alcoholism and that I needed a program of recovery just as he did and Im getting better, my whole family is much much better now, all it takes is one sane person.
Aloha Lauren...you are one of us and how I hated that statement when I first found Al-Anon and so I left only to find out that it was my Higher Power's voice who
was telling me I was one of them. So I also went back humbly...being teachable and willing to learn so much that I also went to college on the disease. Nasty, I was born into it and am now mostly free of he affects. Only the PTSD lingers and I use it as a tool to keep me in the program, working it and doing service in it. "Dry" doesn't mean much to me as my alcoholic/addict also use to go dry for periods of time after she would hurt her drunk self and then go right back with a flourish. I leared it was normal and would continue as the disease continued to run its course without recovery.
I hated "Dry drunking" because it messed with my expectations, wants and needs and kept my confused until I finally accepted that she was an alcoholic and addict and that was her problem not mine. She finally got clean and sober in a way that my HP used it to teach me humility.
Keep coming back and sharing with us and taking what you like here and sharing it with others also as affected as we are. (((((hugs)))))
Dry does not equal emotionally or spiritually sober.
That takes hard inner work, its the same as us we
need to work on ourselves. I find the spiritual part
easier than the Emotional part.
Go to face to face alanon meetings for yourself
Not your qualifier. You can only fix yourself not
Him.
).