The material presented
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I'm new to this . My AH went through an inpatient and the outpatient program. Things were great for awhile, now he is back to sneaking drinks and lying. My question / dilemma is ... I don't know how to react or what to do when he drinks. He tends to say " I'm sorry" and acts like it's back to life as normal . I feel like if I allow this he will just continue to sneak around and nothing will change. He is like a child, he doesn't stop unless there are consequences. The only reason he went to rehab was because I left and he lost his job. Now he has a new job and his family back so ..it begins again. If I ignore his " slips" he takes it as free reign to continue . Now I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or say. We have young children . People say " you have to set boundaries and stick to them". I don't know how to do this in terms of him " slipping" . people say " you need to decide what you are willing to live with" but it's not just my life it's my kids also. I need some guidance.
As you no doubt know, talking to him or scolding him about the drinking has no effect. So when it's a question of whether to do that or not - doing it is just frustrating, not helpful, unfortunately.
Growing up with a drinking alcoholic father is a hard road for kids. So when you say that your kids are affected too, it's not just divorce that affects them. Growing up with a drinking alcoholic father is a life of chaos, deception, unreliability - and it models the idea of coping with your problems by drinking.
I hope you'll take good care of yourself and your little ones.
Ninobeli - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. In my circumstance(s), there were many relapses. Each one brought me more concern, pain, anxiety and resentments. I finally picked myself up, and went to Al-Anon. I came for a solution for them and stayed with a solution for me.
I learned in Al-Anon how to detach with love, set boundaries that I could stick to and how to have peace/joy whether they were drinking/not. It saved my sanity and gave me new ways of dealing with the affects of this disease.
Alcoholism is a family disease - almost everyone, children included, are affected. I learned more about that too in Al-Anon. Sorry for the relapse - my hope is you'll find some meetings and check out Al-Anon. It certainly can't hurt!
Keep coming back...it works when we work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have learned a couple of things in watching my wife relapse. first off, I feel duty-bound to her and to me to let her know that i saw it. That's where I say what I mean, mean what I say, but don't say it mean. This includes not going into a tirade about how she was drunk again last night, why can't she get it together, he's affecting her son, blah blah, because she knows all that.
Then I drop it. What she does with the information I can't control, I can only control how I tell her. It is still up to her whether she drinks or not, both she and I are powerless over alcohol, but it is up to her to regain her power, I can't do it for her.
I don't have many boundaries for her because she is the kind to just binge and drink a half bottle of vodka until she passes out, so she doesn't get mean, just slowly slumps down until she is out. There was a time when she was somewhat verbally abusive with our son, and that was before I had alanon, so I didn't know what to do. For whatever reason, she doesn't seem to do that anymore, but if she did, I would get mys on out of the situation. Again, not hard for me, he can just leave into the next room and she generally won't get up off the couch.
Really the best thing for me by far was to get to some meetings and read here, I was able to get the answers to those questions you have about boundaries by getting the Experience, Strength, and Hope of others, and working the steps to start to see how I really feel about the situation.
I like what Kenny said and identify with your question. For me, I gradually stopped reacting immediately when my husband had been drinking. That was very hard to do for me. I had locked him out of our house and left him to sleep on the porch out of spite and anger, I'd raged at him, cried, guilt tripped, withdrawn sex, everything. I didn't know the difference between punishment and boundary, I was too angry and hurt.
So a bunch of programme tools kick in. Not taking it personally and defining what a boundary is. In terms of a relapse, not ignoring it or pretending its OK without attacking someone, is still something I struggle with. I find the addict will usually tiptoe over the line, and then its a part of your life again. Recently, alcohol was swapped for the marijuana maintenance programme. Which in my views is just sosdd. The last five years have been sosdd. (Same Old Stuff, Different Day). We've been living apart for over a year now, in different states and have 3 young children, but share most weekends. I know I'm not strong enough to live with an addict and not go insane even with boundaries he obeys. I guess I don't want to be his counsellor or mother replacement system, yet unless they truly want and get change, that's all that's available. We can talk, but at the end of the day, I have to protect myself and use my own eyes to listen. Eyes not ears. And not let addiction completely dictate my life, someone else's addiction. All the best.
No right answers to your questions. I was going to suggest the 2 very things you said. So it looks like you do know but are still just figuring out what your boundaries are and what you can and can't tolerate.
I would suggest boundaries for "slips" as well but mostly, I think only alcoholics trying to minimize and make excuses use the term "slip." A full on nasty relapse usually starts with some kind of "slip." I don't know what is right for you, but I have heard others with boundaries of "if you slip, you either get right back on the beam in AA/treatment or I leave." Or...you detach completely and let him do whatever. Not like you can "make him" do anything. Boundaries may influence him, but there is always a chance they wont. In fact, alcoholics usually test boundaries repeatedly....To me, it does sound like you are leaning more towards the boundary that this "slipping and sneaking" is unacceptable to you. I think your HP and repeated alanon as others have suggested will aid you to come up with your own answer that works for you.
