The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been so caught up for the last week so focused on my AH's drinking. It came up somehow. I can't remember the circumstances but I saw that he didn't believe me about the accuracy of how much he drinks. Since that day I have been so caught up in focusing on it myself. I told him how much I estimate that he drinks, then I've been watching and counting the number of drinks he has as if somehow I am going to prove this to him. Then on top of that I deluded myself into thinking that he heard me and was cutting back and stopping. What it turned out was I either didn't notice him drinking yesterday or he hid it more because I had brought it up. I got up this morning and found a 6 pack of empties in the recycling. WOW I can't believe I'm back here. I've been having problems with some things in our marriage and somehow in my head I decided to take up the battle with the disease instead of focusing on myself and my needs. My life has become unmanageable yet again. The good news is I was able to speak to him about the issues and ask for what I need from him. That is a really hard thing for me to do. The other good thing is I know what to do....detach. I've been attaching my happiness or the kind of day I am going to have to weather or not he drinks. That is the perfect recipe for misery. And I've been downright miserable the last few days especially.
Seeing the denial in my AH really amazes me. He's such an intelligent person and so in tune with so many other things. Yet I can't figure out if he is just denying how much he drinks to me but really knows or if he actually doesn't see it himself. In the end does it really matter? I may never know the answer yet I have been focusing on it for a while on and off. Testing it trying to figure out how much he is aware of. I need to stop the madness of trying to figure it out. It doesn't change the fact that I live with an active A and that I need to get back to the life of my own that I have built instead of spending all my time watching him.
I think I also reacted really strongly because he told me I was wrong when I know I wasn't. So that spurned so much anger and resentment in me. How dare he tell me I'm wrong I"LL SHOW HIM. Boy oh boy did I run with that for a while. And now I'm exhausted and ready to surrender again. I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Back to focusing on myself.
I am going to let go of any kind of monitoring of how much he drinks. I am going to give him back that responsibility. I don't want it anyway. If he really wanted to know how much he drinks or why he is gaining weight he would and could track it himself. I am not going to convince him that he has a problem. It doesn't mean that I don't love him just because I'm not going to watch and monitor him anymore. I'm going to let go and let God.
Thanks for reading and thank God for this program.
Hugs .. it is so hard. I found I needed to prove I was right because I needed the validation I wasn't crazy! LOL .. which lead to some entertaining behavior on my part .. LOL! Good for you!
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I too used to count how many beers a day my husband was drinking. I became obsessed with it. Finally I gave up because it didn't matter. He was drinking so much I couldn't keep track anymore anyway. My husband admits he is an alcoholic. He is also always right about everything. I have recently learned that although I am right to let him think he is right to avoid any kind of argument. I am walking on egg shells most days. I never know when he is going to turn on me. It is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. My life also is unmanageable because of alcoholism. I do go to f2f meetings once a week, which does help. I know I am not alone going through this misery of living with an alcoholic spouse. It also helps to speak to some normal sane people.
I'm so impressed by your use of tools KT. Old habits die hard, or in my experience, they fade each time as my awareness of developing new ways of being grow.
I'm with milkwood above me - very impressed that you were able to use your tools and redirect yourself. Because I am one who loves to 'win' (whatever that looks like), I remind myself of steps 1-3 each morning upon awakening. Otherwise, the risk of my insanity surrounding this disease creeps up.....you are doing great - keep coming back and keep growing/sharing!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to much of what you wrote. It is uncanny how alike strangers problems can be. You sound like such a strong person with a ton of willpower. Very admirable. Thank you for sharing.
I also can relate to your post. I hate that every morning I check to see how much of the bottle is gone or how many empty bottles there are. I too know that some bottles make it out before I can count them!! Drat!! :)
Also, I get a very defensive response when I bring up the amount of alcohol that is consumed. AH insists that he drinks FAR LESS than he used to. I disagree, but it really doesn't matter if I disagree or not. His reality is distorted by the disease of alcoholism. But I too want to be validated that I am right because otherwise, I have to admit that I am going insane!! But after all that spinning around in fear, worry, self righteousness and smugness, I come back to steps 1 through 3 and things settle down in my mind again.
Thank God for Al-Anon. I am a very grateful member...
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Savingmyself - that is exactly how I knew I was in the right place when I landed here at MIP. There are certain things that my AH said to me that I took very personally and worried about. One day I saw no less than five other people here who were hearing the exact same phrases. A lightbulb went off - phew, its not just me!!!
A little relapse on your part, that is all. Sometimes I feel as though I've got this and other times I am fuming and seething, ruminating and projecting. The good news is that you can see it and know what to do to stop from getting deeper. Sending positive thoughts and hugs to you.
As I write this, my AH who swears he has cut down, is doing higher level math to make sure he has enough beer for upcoming vacation! In its own sad way, it's rather comical. He won't remember in-depth discussions, but he'll remember it's almost time for another beer run.
Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive responses. I went to my regular face to face meeting this week and it was incredibly helpful. No one wanted to be the main speaker at our speaker meeting and it was just four of us so we each told our story for a portion of it. Telling a short version of my story to a small group really helped me. At one point I talked about being a "watcher" watching my AHs every move by counting drinks or trying to figure out how intoxicated he is etc and then I can move on to others in my life too. This prevents me from living my own life. Other people mentioned at the end that they could really relate to that and that they were "watchers" too. It felt good to know I wasn't alone. This week the slogan I am keeping in mind is Live and let Live. With an emphasis on the first part. I am going to spend the next week focused on what I need to do to live and take my hands off other people.
I definitely feel the need to prove I am not crazy because that is they way I am treated. I really hate that implication and if I take it in it will actually make me behave in unreasonable crazy ways. LOL. Funny how that works. When I detach I can see that I don't have to take in everything he says and that I am usually talking to the disease when that comes out.
All the responses were so helpful. It was like getting a nice big warm hug. Getting it out yesterday helped me let it go a bit too.
KT you are definitely not alone. When my AH was drinking I would count, watch and also investigate to try and find empty bottles. I also did this with my father too when he was actively drinking. At times I still find myself looking for empties even though my husband has been in recovery for over a year. When I do find myself doing that I check in with myself to see what is going on. Many times it is when I am stressed out and anxious and I find myself falling into old habits. Old habits definitely die hard. Just wanted to say that I can relate to everything that you said and what you are going through. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way.
Thank you! I am sitting in a hotel in Las Vegas and no Al-Anon meetings close by. Several years in Al-Anon and decided to meet my Alcoholic ex again in Vegas and over dinner mentioned he could be an alcoholic as soon as it came out of my mouth I knew it was a slip. His behavior for the last 3 days had been eratic but when I flew the 3000 miles to meet him I knew that it could be dicey. Well the defense mechanisims started on his part and I tried to make it "nice" by saying he could not that he was, so with the yelling I said he was being abusive with his tone and we left the restaurant and I went and sat outside to cool off breeth, and get back into my program. Back in the room and he has packed and left, with me paying the hotel room and taking a cab to the airport. I have been in a slip calling him every .5 hr since 11:30 last nite.
Yikes, I am powerless once again, life had been stress free in the years we have been apart, and I once again think I am all powerful with my program that I can once again interact with the disease of alcoholism and make sense out of it.
It is none of my business what he does with his life and how he chooses to live it. I let go and let God years ago with him and the disease. It shows me that I am as culpable as the alcoholic and that I am responsible for my side of the street.
I feel better already, thank you for the share, heading home tomorrow and then a meeting.
2ez24get - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and that you shared. Your share is so powerful and I fully understand the slips - BTDT - been there, done that. I hope you have safe travels home and that your meeting is fantastic!
Come back and stay a while - we're a family here all working the best we can to recover one day at a time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
welcome2ez24get Positive thoughts on the way. I have found that this is a one day at a time program and that I can relapse just as the same as the alcoholic. I am glad we have these tools to fall back on Safe trip home.
thank you Iamhere and hotrod for the kind and thoughtful words. I will remember this site and use it, my meeting attendance has been lacking, no stress no meetings I so forget about "depleting the bank" the gentle reminders the sage wisdom the true love and caring. An amazing program. Back to step one.
