I can relate to what you are feeling and how broken you are about this disease and about the possibility of not having a child. My situation was I was unable to have a child of my own and it broke me because it was the one dream that was most important to me that would never become reality. When I think of it sometimes it still tears me up. On top of my A and the ugliness of this disease, I don't know if I would have been a good parent to bring a child into my chaotic home.

I'm glad you turned here. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it affects everyone in the family. When my awareness of this disease broke me, I started attending al-anon meetings and had a support group where others understood my pain. Right now I'm dealing with the progression of the disease with my A that they know us pretty well at the hospital. It's a good thing your A is attending AA. Attending al-anon will really help. When I attended at first, it was because of my A and I wanted her to stop drinking. But I found out that this resentment I was carrying around for years could be lessened and I am working through my own anger at this disease and the anger toward my A. My A's drinking was so bad that I feel like like I've sacrificed so much because of the drink- my career, my well-being, my finances, my home, my self-worth. Dealing with my A's lying has been hard for me, but I've learned that A's are generally not honest with themselves and hide how much they drink from those around them. This is a frustrating disease. Please attend a f2f meeting. There are two online meetings here daily and this forum. Please keep coming back.

Hey knit - I understand the pain - my story is different but the pain is very similar and I remember feeling so sad and at times, I just shut down. I have 2 boys and they both have this disease. Both tried their best to flunk out of high school and I did not get to see either graduate. They don't recognize my birthday, mother's day or anything I am or might have contributed to their lives and the pain of the reality took me to my knees.....literally and figuratively.

Graduation party invites still raise my pulse, and each May I have to be hyper-vigilant with my heart, mind and soul. I truly at the time thought the pain would be raw, real, perpetual and unbearable. It has gotten way, way better than I ever thought it could or would.

I can only attribute the change to working this program vigilantly and trying to practice these principles in all my affairs. I learned in this program that everybody's got something, so me comparing my insides to what others show on the outside is part of my insanity. Feeling almost jealous of what they show me was also not a real view of how God's grace works. I learned that my path is different for a reason, and I learned to use all my pain to learn, grow and be a better version of me.

Living with this disease and recovery is no picnic. There is sadness and there is real grief. I found it incredible hard to grieve for how I thought my boys' lives would be. Some days, it still comes to the front of my mind. At the end of some program processing, there are times when the only 'good' I can find is that they are still alive - as some of their choices could have resulted in them no longer being here.

So - I do fully understand. I would see happy couples, etc. and feel cheated. I had to avoid facebook for a long while, and even put away photos of my boys in my own home just to minimize my sadness and grief. Small steps, a great sponsor and this program saved me from my own mind and gave me a new reality.

Keep coming back - it really does work if we work it!

(((((Knit)))))

I hear you feeling grief so I am sending loving hugs and prayers. Perhaps that lightbulb moment, arrived at with so much pain, can help you both to start working towards what you both would like. And perhaps it will also help you both to speak honestly about your fears (and joys) as well.

I found myself relaxing slightly when my husband stopped drinking. Month by month, my feelings ebbed back and the first to arrive was sadness, and then anger. When I felt that raging anger, I though, hey, I'm actually feeling this!!! I'm having an emotion!!! I hadn't cried for years (what I wouldn't give for a good honest nose snivelling cry into somebodies shirt even now!) but I knew when I felt that anger that other emotions would follow and I would be smiling before too long. I knew that I could start using my feelings again to judge what felt right for me. I started to trust myself more. The return of my feelings, and also the return of my having expectations about what I wanted life to look like now that alcohol was out of our house, contributed to the first two years of my husband's recovery being really really tough (I imagine he made his own contributions too!). I kept forgetting that his mind and body needed to heal. I even forgot that mine did too!

Then a kind person on this site said 'more will be revealed' about something or other and I thought 'oh, that's cool, I can relax and check in on how bad/good things are in a few days/weeks/months - I don't have to solve this today. Today I will take care of me.'

You've also been through a lot I imagine, and for me recovery from that meant being kind to myself, learning how to relax and enjoy life, having a massage just for me, visiting beautiful gardens - whatever rocks your boat. I believe that we are all kind and giving people but when we are hurting it can be difficult to feel that kindness and generosity and it becomes too easy to dwell on the negatives. For this reason I stopped being self-less. It was 100% selfish of me and I'm proud of that. You see I liked myself better when I can be genuinely kind to others and looking after myself seemed to me to be in everyone's best interests.  I think that feeling relaxed and healthy can also help with conception although I am not an expert since 
I do not have children. I do have three nephews and am also a Great-Aunt (somehow CAPS seem obligatory for that title!)  I believe this status gives me license to indulge in oversized handbags and any other sartorially challenging eccentricities that take my fancy!

-- Edited by milkwood on Monday 1st of August 2016 10:58:36 AM

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.  I will admit that last night was a low point for me but I am still glad that I posted this.  It was like my soul was the one typing, moving my fingers without me actually thinking about what I was saying.  I guess I fell victim to the idea that when I was ready to have a baby I could just stop taking Birth control and get pregnant, that I was in control...what was I thinking?! Kids used to be a deal breaker when I was dating, more than one budding romance ended when our goals did not align.  

I guess the part that I am struggling with the most is that infertility is something I always thought to be a woman's problem.  That it would mean rounds of hormone injections and invasive exams but that it would be worth it to finally hold my child.  No obstacle would have stood in my way but I have no control over how much we put ourselves through.  It is my husband who has to hand his body over to science and to trust that it wont be in vain. Every cell in my body burns with the desire to have a baby but now I realize that its not just A baby that I want its HIS baby.  

I know that I have to hand this over and trust that there is a bigger plan.  Perhaps this is to remind me that my husband is capable of putting "us" first and not just himself.    I am old enough to know that I am ready to be a mother and young enough that I could start over, try again to find what I have always wanted.  Yet after everything how do I just walk away? I feel like I am in the ocean, being pummeled by waves and every time I finally find the surface for air another wave breaks forcing me back under.  

I feel like the waves are just life.  Its constantly one thing after another, I realize that is what life is but lately I have just been tired.  Surprisingly none are directly caused by my AH.  My father has a progressive disease that will eventually take his life and its moving faster than average, my Aunt has early onset dementia and at 57 no longer knows her family, and the list goes on.  As soon as I get my footing it just seems like my phone rings again with something else.  I know that the 3 Cs apply but each time I have to accept a new truth it gets more difficult.  

You are correct that my AH and I still talk.  Even when he was drinking we still had the ability to have an honest conversation.  Well actually I was honest, he most likely was not but it seemed to work for us.  From the very beginning I told him I don't play games and that if something was wrong I would speak up.  I really believe that having that dynamic from day one helped preserve our relationship.  

My AH knows my feelings about motherhood, we discussed them at length back in January.  He said then that no matter what he has to do I will be a mother.  I looked at anonymous donors and it feels so wrong, its like online shopping + online dating but with pictures of men as little boys.  It was incredibly strange and not something that I am prepared for.  I had a long discussion with my AH yesterday (actually I wrote it in an email I am better with words on paper usually) and I laid it all out for him.  He agreed and we contacted his doctor last night to see about him stopping the hormones to see if his body can recover.  I am in the medical field and I have found studies that show testosterone production can return after a period of sobriety so we will just have to give his body some time to see what happens.  

I know that having children with an alcoholic is a gamble but I accepted a very long time ago I married a drinker and ultimately an alcoholic.  I still wake up in the morning and choose marriage so I refuse to compromise my needs and wants to accommodate his disease.  I grew up in a dysfunctional household with untreated mental illness so detaching was something I learned early on.  Unlike my Mother and Sister I never became very good at enabling.  I would just tell everyone to grow up and come find me when they pulled the bug out of their @$$.  It caused a lot of fights but I am still Daddy's little girl so I must have done something right.  That being said I decided to go back to school when my AH got sober and I have an amazing career that could more than support myself and any children.  Regardless of what happens with my AH I know that i will be okay.  

 

Thank you all so so so much.  The warmth and acceptance have been such a blessing. I am so glad I found this board.