The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My current gf over the last year I have found out is a pretty strong alcoholic. I think shes finally getting herself straight and this is shown by her behavior. Its tough for her but he had a divorce a few years back where she lost everything and is now living in her moms basement. She stopped drinking and went into detox when she finally told me what was up. Everything clicked and her past behaviors became apparent. Her second detox a few months later I said I would stop drinking in order to support her. Looking back I realized that this may have been said in haste. I'm a 'normie' and weeks later told her that I probably would continue to have some beer out with my friends and that my choosing to say I would stop was in haste and that I shouldn't have to abandon my friends and previous lifestyle due to what her issues are but I was more than happy to alter it, never drink around her, not have anything before I see her so she wouldn't have to smell it. We just had a week vacation and had a good time with neither of us partaking. The only way she finally really made a stand to go straight is that when I found some wine at her place, I told her we were done until I saw her make an effort to stay straight. That night she blamed everyone but herself. She was in a dark place knowing I was gone and I was not going to go back until she did something. She apologized the next day and said she was going to go to some recovery meetings (not AA but really interested in SMART recovery) as well as some buddism based group that I went with her to. I think shes starting to realize that this is her fight and her fight alone and all I can do is cheer lead but most of my friends and family, when we get together have drinks..I dont see how she can recover with me wanting to keep my life that I am very happy with when shes just thinking how can I tell her to not drink while I am free to. I only want what is best for her but I cant recover for her and Im wondering if I could be the catalyst to a future relapse.
Dswat - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. We really don't offer advice, just share ESH (experience, strength and hope). So, in my experience, any alcoholic that is looking for an excuse to relapse will find it and go. In Al-Anon, we learn more about the disease and how it affects the drinker and those who love them. It's a progressive disease and there is no cure - only recovery through abstinence and some kind of support.
We often hear of those who quit drinking but are still quit miserable/lost, There is a term, dry drunk, which I don't really like but it refers to those who are not drinking but also not growing/recovering. So - you are correct that her recovery is her job/goal and what you do should not affect what she does. We learn in the program the 3 Cs - We did not cause this, We can not cure this and we can not control this.
I encourage you to attend an Al-Anon meeting/two/more if you want to stay in the relationship - it will help you better understand the disease and her. It will also help you make sure you can keep yourself, happiness and sanity separate from hers!
Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi Dswat.
We tend to refer to the 3 c's here; you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. If your gf wants to be recovered then she'll fight for it, and if she doesn't really want to be recovered then maybe she'll drink and then blame it on something you've done or not done. (Having said that, of course drinking around her in early recovery or being drunk around her etc would be pretty unkind). But what you do when you are out with your friends/family shouldn't concern her or affect her ability to stay sober.
One thing in your post stands out to me- "how can I tell her to not drink while I am free to".
We don't encourage trying to tell another person whether or not they should drink because, you don't really have any control over it anyway, and imagining that you do (ie, if she loved me she'd stay sober etc) is quite damaging to us, the alcoholic (who really needs to own their own behavior and not make it about someone else) and the relationship.
What is encouraged is looking at if and how the persons behaviour affects us and then taking steps to ensure that it doesn't cause us harm in the future. So, boundaries like "I won't be around you when you drink" etc keep the focus on us and leave the other person to make their own choices.
Al-anon is very much about keeping the focus on ourselves and generally, "stay or go" isn't something anyone will tell you you should or shouldn't do. What most of us find is that when we make us of al-anon tools and do manage to take our eyes off other people's behaviour and keep it on our own, things look different in ways we really didn't imagine before. It's very liberating
Nice to meet you anyway; hope you stick around
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Welcome Ds It does appear that you have an great understanding of yourself and are attempting to interact with your Gf in a healthy manner. I too would suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. It is here i learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time accepting that alcoholism was a chronic, progressive incurable disease over which I was powerless.
Please keep coming back.
