The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its a possibility that my A will be coming back home today. I've been very anxious about it, because I've had this freedom the last few days where I'm not constantly being questioned about my coming and my going, asked to do everything for my recovering A and being able to breathe and do stuff for myself. So I believe I need to set a few boundaries prior to the craziness returning. I feel like I need to set a ton of boundaries but I doubt I can stick with all of these. The ones most important I want to express is I have meetings I will attend on certain days and there's no arguing over that unless there's a dire emergency. If I am feeling overwhelmed instead of letting me blow because of putting responsibilities on me you can do yourself, I will go for a walk, to the park, or be by myself and that space cannot be invaded. I want to add an addendum to this last one saying that I do not want to come back to an argument, guilting, passive aggressive crap and the like. One more I want to add is to the dog in that he must start the process of training- he's out of control with his whining/barking and I'm being undermined every time I try to correct the behavior. I don't want to justify this but only say that she hasn't registered the dog, the neighbors have complained about the barking, and the consequence will be the authorities will take the dog away if this isn't followed.
I know I need to word this differently, nicely. But I'm worried about sticking to it. And I'm also scared about stating these to my A. Whenever I state things to put up a boundary- I don't like it when you talk to me like that or I don't want the dog jumping on me, I am disrespected and my feelings and needs are pushed off. I know I am disrespected, and I want to change that. I know that I can't live with the constantly lack of peace that I'be experienced now that I've had a taste of freedom! What have any of you done to establish boundaries? Thanks!
__________________
Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
Hey Gabigail - great topic and boundaries can be hard.....I've been told it's about self-protection and not about punishment. So - when I came to Al-Anon, I truly felt in my heart that all my concerns, complaints, fears, worries, coaching, counseling and parenting had been said. I had probably repeated everything multiple times. My sponsor helped me truly simplify everything for my qualifiers. I almost literally took the program and made it 'me'....so my first set of boundaries was as basic as:
1. I am exhausted as a result of this disease. I plan to put myself first and stop doing for you all that which I know you are capable of doing for yourself.
2. Yes and No are complete sentences, so I will no longer justify, argue, defend or explain my answers.
3. I will cook dinner on xxx, xxx, xxx and xxx. I have plans the other 3 nights, which means they will be YOYO (You're On Your Own). The kitchen is self-serve for breakfast and lunch - I'll let you know if I am cooking each weekend (love doing brunch when I can Saturday & Sunday).
4. This is a sober home. There are no exceptions.
5. This is a lawful home. There are no exceptions.
6. My Room is for me only. If I am there with the door shut, I am praying/meditating/napping and don't want to be disturbed.
So - I made them about me, what I was doing for me and what I felt I could live with. I left it to them to fend for themselves for the basics and that's how simple mine started. As far as the dog goes, the lawful part would cover part of that. If you feel the need, you certainly can place a boundary that If/when the dog jumps on me, it will be disciplined as I see fit. Same for whining, barking, etc.
I hope this helps - the less words I used, the less they hard to argue with. I did put them in writing and sent them in an email as almost all conversations at that time were crazy-making, distorted and dysfunctional!
Good Luck - prayers and positive energy coming your way!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wear your God shield with your head down
And see only your path. I wore my own For
My self protection and for my sanity. I Felt
much safer and saner That way.
In my life, life just unfolded and my answers
Came. I never got very good with detaching
Or boundaries with my xah. He was checked
Out and long gone so not much worked or
Was fixable. It takes two healthy Willing
mature people to make a relationship work.
It is hard on you when they are being mean
And they dont care how much they hurt You.
Sober or wet does not matter their Bad behaviors
are about them not you.i just Started handing it
back to him. I was not carrying it anymore.
Do whats best for you, pray for guidance
And wisdom. Take the high road as much as
Possible.
In my experience words don't really work. Its the action and the boundaries are for me. So If you want to get to your meetings you go. It's yours for you. If your a starts any bad behaviour then leave the room every time. It's your boundary for you. We speak a different language so what's the point of reasoning or explaining or any of it. They don't listen to words, only physical action.
Great topic and shares I would simply make sure she understood that you were not trying to punish her but to simply take care of yourself in a healthy fashion so that the entire relationship would improve.
If you are seriously fed up and about to walk away anyhow, what have you got to lose sticking to your boundaries? Keep that in mind. You do not have to feel bad about defining what is personally tolerable versus intolerable for your own life. If you think you wont follow through, then are these things really intolerable for you?
Also...she's been declaring sort of "boundaries" on you which resemble "I will have a dog and let it be wild and uncontrollable and you will put up with it." Not advocating being harsh, just helping you remember your boundaries aren't "mean."
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 4th of August 2016 05:31:09 PM
