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Hi Everyone, I just needed to connect today and share! I am going to try to get on a nighttime PHONE meeting but have called and some are not happening. If someone knows of a good nighttime meeting say 8pm that would be great.
I am in my 50s and I had a son later in life - he is 13. My father is now 85 and dying of liver disease. He was a very rageful alcoholic and abusive and my mother was very depressed and did not protect me from the rages. I have had tons of therapy and I really thought that i was "happy" and over it after 10 years of al non (30- 40), therapy and other Spiritual work.
A few months ago my therapist told me that I was looking for both my mother and father to 'take care of me" emotionally and that I was really an un parented child in the emotional sense and I have always known this but I have NEVER really FELT IT. I am doing deep grief work and it is so painful and scary but I feel that I must go into the bottom to truly heal. It is like a 'Dark Night Of the Soul" I am trying to use the STEPS to help especially the second and third step. I know that there is so much love and comfort in the program
I honestly thought I did a good job of "mothering" myself , i go to yoga, eat right, see friends, pray, meditate, try to enjoy movies etc and i thought that I had healed so much. The therapist said that i must go back to al anon and work on SURRENDER AND ACCEPTANCE. I did get "some" needs met but not the emotional ones. I have to accept this and stop trying to go back to be "taken care of" at my age. I was really not aware of it and want to heal - it is like a 4th step inventory.
It is tricky because it is end of life with them and I want to check in and visit a bit but I cannot get attached to being their 'little girl" now it is very damaging to me and it feeds my denial
Has anyone else tried to let go of expectations of elder parents completely?
Oh boy Charlotte, your post is hitting home. My upbringing was such with a "rage-aholic" father (he didn't seem to drink to excess, but he raged to excess) was to learn to seek approval, be good, and sneak to have what I wanted and not get caught and feel the wrath. My mother aided my sister and I in sneaking to get what we wanted, and schooled us in not poking the bear. I too had many of my emotional needs for acceptance and gentle guidance in trust in working together for a common good unmet.
My father has now decided he does not want visitors and so I have stayed away. It bothers me, but I am trying to find the place where I respect his decision and not feel unloved, unwanted and not accepted!! He is who he is, I guess.
You think all these relationships should get easier as we age, but oh boy, that is NOT the case!!
I guess just continuing to work the Al-Anon program and learning to detach with love and allow each other the dignity of living their own lives with their own opinions is my own way of dealing with aging parents. It sometimes feels cold and unfulfilling emotionally but then I remember that I don't get fulfillment from other people, it comes from me in relationship to my Higher Power.
All the best to you as we journey through this life!
:)
__________________
Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Hello Charlotte , I do hear you and so understand. I found the tools in alanon that enabled me to let go of lall my "unrealistic expectations" of others . That included parents, siblings , my spouse and friends. By working the Steps I shed many illusions and incorrect beliefs so that i am better able to love and support myself and others. Keep on keeping on You are worth it
The need to be validated by parents is kind of innate. I would go easy on yourself. I am not a giant fan of "inner child" stuff because hurt feelings and family of origin issues do not always mean there is a scared or emotionally retarded/neglected child on the inside. I much prefer to look at what helps me to be a healthy grown up. Alanon and AA do give me elder role models where going to my mom and dad for stuff that was never really their strong suit proved pointless and frustrating. Maybe that is part of it too. Just getting needs for guidance, wisdom, and nurturing in healthy places...Just don't want you thinking you are damaged goods or something....
-- Edited by pinkchip on Thursday 28th of July 2016 02:29:22 PM
Wow thx for sharing..good question. not sure what might be my dad expectations towards me. He is 72 and he is mentally ill and is in elder people house. He sent to me letter recently about warning that i should not rush into relationship without thinking....he knows i am not in relationship and i am not sure what to answer him...he always asks it from me do i have boyfriend etc....it is so annoying to talk about it with parents and relatives specially when it is so hard to find someone normal...once in past i thought that my dad could not take me into altar of marriage and it made me sad...now i do not know..
-- Edited by kadriliisa on Thursday 28th of July 2016 02:33:31 PM
