The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have attended many Alanon meetings in the past. I have also attended many OA and AA meetings. I can't say that I am a member of any 12 step program because I haven't had a sponsor in years and I haven't worked the steps for years. I have been in emotional and spiritual relapse for about 10 years now. Ever since I got custody of my 3 year old grandson due to my daughter's numerous relapses with drugs and alcohol. I have been a single parent to him since then. She relapsed shortly after I got custody of him and we didn't see her for about 3 years. Then she entered our lives again-many stints in rehab, living with me and on her own. I feel guilt and shame about all of the times I have rescued her, driven to horrible parts of town to get her out of dangerous situations, bought her several cars and ended up selling them because she couldn't handle the responsibility. I have gone into thousands of dollars of debt trying to help her get back on track. I still have custody of my now 14 year old grandson. I have always worked full time as a manager. I have recently gone back to AA, not because I was drinking (I haven't had a drink in 22 years) but because my daughter was once again back in sobriety and was encouraging me to get back into recovery. She moved back into my home 5 months ago and has not had more than 60 days of sobriety since. I almost think this has been a wake-up call that I need to get back to Alanon. I am ashamed to go back and admit how much I have enabled my daughter. That is what has kept me from going back to Alanon meetings. Crazy, right? That and the fact that I've gained 90 pounds. So I am trying to work this program alone. I know that's not the way to work on recovery but I just can't seem to get past my fear/shame/ and get back to meetings. I know that I am really out of touch with my feelings. I am just existing. I am trying to work on recovery by listening to speaker tapes and big book studies during my 45 minute commute to work every day. I've also been meditating and praying periodically. I have just cut a vacation short because my daughter relapsed again at my house while I was gone and I needed to drive home and ensure that everything was safe, including my grandson. Her car and the car insurance is still in my name. My grandson was ok physically but was exposed to 2 days of his mother's insanity while she was drunk and raging. I know what I need to do intellectually-which I think has been part of the problem. I have always been able to understand recovery on an intellectual level but not so much at an emotional or spiritual level. I am adrift and numb and anxious-all at the same time. This is very much a family disease. My brother and I were raised by my grandmother until I was 7 and then we went to live with my father and new stepmother. My grandmother was always worrying about my alcoholic uncles who would periodically live with her (us). And my father was an alcoholic but I seldom saw him drunk. He was a professional wrestler so we moved around a lot and I just remember all of the chaos and uncertainty growing up. He was away most of the time and was quick to anger when he was home. We had to walk on eggshells when he was at home to not disturb him. After he retired from wrestling, he was broke and he isolated himself and withdrew from his family. So nobody in his family had any contact with him for many years. We heard he was living in an old trailer on his 5th ex-wife's property. Then we heard he had broken his hip this past January and died within a week. I haven't cried once. Which I find unsettling. Shouldn't I be more upset? I have a half brother who has been hospitalized for the last 2 years due to obesity related health issues. He's bedridden and he has reached out for help to me and I have ignored him. I feel like I don't have the energy to help him. He is 2,000 miles away and I feel like he needs to get the support from those closest to him. He's manipulative and tries to get people to do things for him that he should do himself. I had to unfriend him on Facebook because he was posting inappropriate things so I know he's a bit unstable. But I feel guilty that I have cut him off. I have struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Have felt suicidal numerous times. There is no doubt that this disease kills family members of alcoholics, too. Sorry to sound so negative. I am just saying things out loud that I have been thinking for a long time. I know that Alanon works. It has worked for me in the past. I don't understand why I am so reluctant to get back to meetings when I know it works! That's true insanity!
Hi Terry, I am so sorry for how you are feeling at the moment. It sounds overwhelming, and I can only imagine the strength it takes to raise a grandchild and face your daughter's issues along with everything else. Sometimes we get so deep into a hole that we can't see there is a way out.
I know for me, I was reluctant to go to Alanon because this would mean really facing the fact that there was a problem. I was SO relieved once I went. For me, Alanon is one place where there is no judgment, only listening with respect. I know I don't have to work the program perfectly, I just have to try for progress one day at a time.
I tried to do it alone, too. Once I started reaching out, there was more help than I could have imagined.
If you could find Alateen for your grandson, that would be great too. I just heard some Alateen kids talking about how they were so reluctant and their parent "dragged them" to a meeting, and they were glad they went and found new friends who understand them and that they can talk to.
I understand that feeling of "adrift, numb, and anxious" ... I hope you can take just one small step ... and you already did by posting here. You are truly not alone.
I want you to know how important your reply was to me. It has given me hope. Your gesture of kindness has touched me more than I could have imagined. Thank you so very much.
Hello terrygrace Welcome-- I appreciate your honesty and clarity and would like to assure you that you will be welcome to alanon face to face meetings anytime you decide to return. Remember that alanon is a fellowship of equals and each of us is permitted to work the program as we choose without judgment or direction form others.
I know how painful it is to cope with the disease of alcoholism in a child and I can understand your actions and would never judge you for the support that you extended to your daughter and felt was necessary.
Face to face meetings helped me to develop new constructive tools to live by while I broke the isolation caused by living with the disease, and rebuilt my self esteem
I urge you to keep coming back here and to search out face to face meetings. You are worth it
Thank you Betty. I am touched beyond words for your kind reply. I thank God that there are people like you willing to reach out to those of us who are afraid and confused. I am crying for the first time in a very long time! And they are tears of gratitude and hope.
Welcome back, your home now. Please pray for the courage and get yourself to a meeting. this program is designed to take you out of the isolation, back into the light, give the members a chance, no judgement at a meeting Ive ever been too. Your forgetting who you are dealing with!!!! lol. Enablers are us!!!! When its your child its a different ball game and the enabling is very very difficult to stop completely because we are programmed to believe helping is good kind motherly. Another factor is these drinkers are first class top notch master manipulators that could buy and sell us twice!!!
I understand how you feel, your seats ready for you come on what you got to lose?
Terrygrace, I returned to alanon eight months ago after a very long break. Like Freetime said, going was acknowledging there was a problem. I could barely speak, I just sat and cried. But the people there understood and loved me. I knew I was in a safe place where no explanations or justification was required. And I didn't realize how isolated I had become until I took myself to that room. I hope you can find a meeting. In the meantime, I know you will benefit from the wisdom of the great members of this community, who have helped me immeasurably. Keep coming back. Blessings to you and your family.
Good morning terrygrace and welcome to MIP. For me, the best part of Al-Anon is the unconditional love that exists when we walk into the room. I realize some groups may be healthier than others, however I have found that placing principles before personalities truly makes Al-Anon a safe place.....for new members, returning members, all members!
I too understand how hard and painful it is to watch your child self-destruct before your own eyes. It's a view of life that I wish we never had to see/feel/experience. It took me a while in the program to fully align my head and heart - I too intellectually understood addiction/recovery yet could not bring my heart to the table for a discussion of equals. It's a common issue for those of us with children in the disease....I know for me, I felt like a horrible person/mother when I discovered how damaging my 'help' was to my children. Felt guilt/shame that they were diseased and then felt guilt/shame that I was contributing to the cycle of insanity.
I agree with what's above me - pray for the courage to just go. I will do the same for you. I love in recovery that we do work hard to focus on the program, the tools and the progress and not the person. I can show up with/without make-up, in my gym clothes, my street clothes or my Sunday best, I can be in a bad place or a happy place - it doesn't matter. Others in recovery don't care about my appearance - they care about my spirit. What a gift.
Keep coming back - you are home whether you know it or not and the door is open + the porch light is always on!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I had no idea that I would get so much support and hope from posting my "tirade" yesterday. I felt hopeless and that I had nothing to lose. I was sharing my experience but I wasn't sharing much strength or hope. Your responses are a miracle to me. I am so grateful for all the kindness and wisdom you have shown. It's a powerful example to me that I can't work this program alone. I need your wisdom-I need your encouragement-I need your acceptance. God truly works through you. Thank you all for taking the time to share your experience, strength and hope with me.
