The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So last year my "sober" Abh started treatment for Hep C. It was a long year of really bad side affects and him being too sick to do anything....including work. He had been self employed so no disability. Anyway.....it was a Hugh strain but we got through it and thankfully it worked. The hep C is gone!
Once he started feeling better he got a job...and then fired. And then another job...and fired. Then another...fired. He says he still has bad anxiety. He has trouble getting out the door in the morning. I understand anxiety...I've experienced it too.
So fast forward to today. He's a carpenter by trade and has managed to find some work doing a renovation for a really nice couple we know from the program. Today is the theirs day in a row he hasn't gone to work. I'm finally on holidays....yay me! I've needed a brake really badly but what is driving me nuts is him laying on the couch for the third day in a row when what I desperately need some time to myself in my own home. He's just always here...laying on the couch...and I resent the hell out of it. I really just needed these three days to get myself and my house together. Tomorrow my Aunt who just had a hip replacement is coming to stay for a bit. Part of me questions how much is laziness. I'm trying to be kind but for the past two years it's been all about him....I know...shocker. I need time for myself and....God forbid...maybe some care and attention too.
That doesn't sound like very good happy making for me either...does he need to visit a counselor/psychiatrist? Ask him to call and then go about your own life. I get the title of this post and think Sucks also works. ((((hugs))))
If he's in program, maybe ask him to call his sponsor. and see if he can hang with him for awhile. Also explaining that you really need the time alone, and it's not about him, it's about you, but you need for him to go somewhere else for awhile so you can (figuratively, I'm sure) lay on the couch for awhile. Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.
You deserve both time alone, along with care and attention. I know you know that. I echo what Kenny said - make sure to tell him that. Also, what Jerry said about suggesting he see his therapist or psychiatrist could be helpful? I hope you get the peace you deserve soon.
My oldest son was a slug for a bit.....it got really old, really fast. Of course, I am a high energy person so at the time, I wasn't probably the best judge of who should/should not be hanging out on a couch for all day long!
I would just start doing my thing with headphones on - cleaning, vacuuming, etc. That would usually get him to move elsewhere. I also could get rid of him in a heartbeat by asking him to help out with chores so I could relax also.
I did set up 'my place only' in the home and was very clear that it was reserved for me only. I was able to keep them out most of the time by suggesting when I was 'there', I was praying and meditating. Even the heathen teenagers in my home had enough respect for that most of the time to give me space 'in my place'.
Get creative if necessary to get your needs met. I also agree with Kenny - saying what you mean, meaning what you say without being mean took practice but has become a great tool. Instead of suggesting he stop being a slug on the couch, just ask if you can take a nap there or watch a move or .... Even when my qualifiers were in rare form, they struggled to be mean or defiant if I was calm and nice about my needs.
Keep coming back - hoping something suggested has helped!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
