The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about how difficult it can be for those of us affected by alcoholism to communicate our ideas clearly and directly. The writer describes growing up in an alcoholic home and not being encouraged to share viewpoints. My case was slightly different but also included what I now think of as abnormal communication-- we were a huge, loud, Italian family. whoever was loudest won, and extra points if you were sarcastic in delivery. I never realized until adulthood how mean-spirited sarcasm is because it was under so much of what my family and I said to one another.
The writer speaks about the 12 concepts of service and I can't any thoughts to that because I have only read through the Concepts. For me today's reading is about learning to listen to others with an open mind, and learning to say what's on our minds without fear.
One of my favorites from Alanon is 'say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean'. That is what I'm working on today and everyday!
Hello Mary, What an important topic!! Thanks for your share and your honesty.
I too grew up in a big family where communication based on sarcasm and loud insistent voices was the key to solving all problems.
What a change when I attended my first alanon meeting where every one listened to each other with courtesy and respect , there was no cross talk and each kept the focus on themselves without blaming and sarcasm . We actually" talked things over and reasoned things out" at business meetings .
It was extremely difficult for me to share in this environment and so I simply listened and learned . The more I listened, the more I saw how important it was to look within , be honest about what I felt and share my concerns That would be how I could recover and I so wanted that !!I
I continually heard that his is a "WE" program and that I could not do this alone I found that to be so true.
My experience was a little different as well; I grew up being disbelieved and shushed; almost anything I said was met with 'are you sure; I don't think that's true. I think you're imagining things" etc.
So my dreadful response was to explain things over and over, 500 different ways, citing other people that felt the same way, whether the situation called or it or not! I assumed that no-one would believe anything that I said and so, I had to make my point rock-solid and back it up with other people.
Example. "I don't feel well today. There's something going around, so and so is sick as well and I read in the paper that there is a lot of flu going around too, did you see it?" Or, "Someone was rude to me today. Other people were there and they heard it; you heard her, didn't you? It's true, and I was being really nice, and I didn't do anything to provoke it, and, and, and"
Maddening for me and for other people!!
Al-anon has allowed me to just state my truth and let go of the responsibility for how people receive the information. Believe me or don't; that part isn't my concern!!!
What a great relief.
Thanks for the reading, and for your service Mary
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Great point Miss Meliss- I also have often felt the need to explain, over explain, make sure to re-state just in case the first million explanations didn't take!
it is a great relief to me and I'm sure others around me to just say what my truth is and not feel responsible for its reception!!
I grew up in a dysfunctional blend of all of the above. As the youngest and only girl, I was always outnumbered and left to tag along. Like MissMel described, things I said were met with, "Are you sure?" or "That can't be." or .... Yet, when things did not go as desired (and we all know this is often), my mother was a screamer and my father was the heavy. So, I grew up wanting/needing to be heard and as an adult, was the loudest in the room, and sarcasm became my best friend. I was blessed also with intelligence, so I could slice anyone down quickly with very few words when I felt threatened - which was often since my self-worth and self-esteem were low, low, low...
Coming to the program, and practicing active listening was hard for me. In my FOO, we were always planning our response without fully listening. We interrupt each other to be heard and rarely was there pauses in discussions, debates or arguments. We did not learn how to communicate properly and it was a hard thing to unlearn. Practicing listening with an open mind seemed to help open my heart and my ears, and now I work to listen to what others are actually saying, and not what I believe to be a hidden agenda or a potential manipulation in action!
I came to the program with a ton of paranoia so rarely heard words. I instead often constructed my own version of what was being 'asked' instead of what was being shared. The disease had not only distorted my thinking, but also my hearing and processing. The tools have helped me to better seek to understand and I am grateful.
I too am so glad for the "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." It has given me the freedom to know my truth, state my truth and not be concerned about how it is received!
Thank you Mary for your service, ESH and today's daily. Thanks to all for the great shares! Make it a great Tuesday!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am also a member of the over- explanation club. No matter what my decision was as a child up through middle aged adult, it was questioned. There always seemed to be a passive aggressive comment or question or innuendo or look that made me filled with self-doubt. That is my perception, anyway. So, I am working very hard on stating my truth and leaving it at that. I don't care about being popular or having everything I say and do being met with 100% approval. Thanks to all here. It is so helpful to read posts and see myself in so many of them.
This is a great and helpful topic for today. This helps me to confirm things said this week and to help me to let go. There's a lot of freedom in those words.
I have been to f2f meetings but never heard of the 12 Concepts. I know the 12 traditions and of course, the 12 steps. Can anyone share those concepts or where I could find them? Thanks!
__________________
Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
The concepts are listed in the One day at a Time book as well as the C2C (page370)and other alanon books such as the Paths to Recovery.They are usually printed right after the Steps and Traditions.
Usually the meetings focus on the Steps and Tradiitons because The Steps help us to grow on PERSONAL LEVEL , the Traditions are guides to group unity and provide guidance for interacting in groups and the "concepts' are guides for service work. The concepts show how members can perform 12 step work.
