The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about the expectation we have that other people (or one other person) will be able to meet all of our needs-- without us even having to ask! It reminds me of the argument we have seen played out in sitcoms over the years: a couple is arguing and one (usually the man)will say 'what's wrong??' And the other (usually a woman) will say 'if you don't know I'm not telling you!' Of course this scene is meant to be funny, but for those of us who have played it out in real life know, it is not funny! I remember feeling a frustration when someone in my life did not know what was bothering me. Typically that frustration was something I would ruminate on and stew over, meanwhile the other person had no idea and that would upset me more and more. I can see now how much wasted energy was going in to this round and round.
Within the reading there is a sentence that stands out for me: "If I want or need something, I have to let someone know." Whew!! Isn't that simple? I still have a tough time speaking up on my own behalf, it is not my instinct. One of our sayings that has helped me when I know I'm getting stuck is to say what I mean, mean what I say, but not say it mean.
I hope we all can feel that strength within us to speak up when we need to! Have a great Tuesday!
Great topic Thanks Mary. Thanks to many years in program and a few "go arounds" with the Steps, I am finally understand that no one can read minds and that I can and should "ask for what I need".
One of the problems in my marriage came about because I thought I knew my hubby well enough and loved him so competently so that I"could read his mind" Not so!!! (this was just another unrealistic expectation I had of myself and others that I needed to address as I looked at my defects). In addition I thought that If he did not know what was wrong or read my mind it was an indication that he did not care. How strange that seems now!!!
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Another important part of this concept is that I have to know what I want and then clearly express myself. I also need to be prepared for my request to be refused ( and that was something I could not do years ago) Years of practice in program sharing at meetings and letting go of unrealistic expectations allows me to ask for what I want and be gracious enough when I do not receive it. What a gift.
Thanks for your service. I hope you have a lovely day.
Thank you Mary for the daily, your ESH and your service. Thank you Betty too for much of the same!
What a gift it is to realize that I am not perfect, nor can I read minds.....of course, I can be a slow learner so putting that into practice in reverse was a bit slower for me to understand. My qualifiers (and the world) certainly knew when I wasn't a happy camper, but I often expected them to know exactly why....and I would get even more self-righteous when they didn't know. How crazy-making is that?
This is one very important piece of the program for me. I learned in this program to say what I mean, mean what I say and to say it with grace and calm - not mean. I was one who could be passive/aggressive often as I just ASSumed others knew what I needed, when I needed it and rarely did they meet my expectations. Of course, I wasn't very clear in my needs or my wants, so how could I expect them to even try?
I also have lowered my expectations of others. I am the youngest in my family and my AH is the oldest. I was led just about everywhere as a child and he was the one holding the hands of the younger siblings, and leading them. His home was small and he never had space/privacy. We each had our own bedroom and areas to stretch out. So - we came together with different backgrounds about so many things, it's no longer surprising to me how differently we view basic things - home size, car size, meals, etc. I've learned in this program to respect and appreciate and even celebrate the differences in those I spend time with instead of judging, or trying to change them to fit my wants/needs.
Love the freedom from my own 'perfect life' thinking of before. Very happy for a joyful life that has new things to see/learn/do each day when I look for the miracles around me.
(((Hugs))) to all and happy Tuesday!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
