The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
for as long as I can remember, my mother has been an alcoholic and pill abuser. And all throughout my childhood, teenage years and now into my mid 20's, I have been her number one enabler. I clean up her messes, I've paid her rent and bills in the past, bought her alcohol so she will shut up or not go into seizures. My boyfriend of 7 years has painfully gone through this with me and he hates every second of it.
My mom has been to rehabs 5 times now and messes up every single time. me, my brother and sister are finally all out on our own, pay for our own bills, work very hard and try every day for normalicey. But this is what happened last night.. now keep in mind, my mother is just like any other almost 60 year old addict.. Stubborn, thinks they know everything, selfish, manipulative towards her children (the only people that are left in her life. She doesn't even have friends) and just a down right horrible addict personality. I love my mother so much and being her number one enabler, I have this weird relationship with her -as I'm sure a lot of you know what I mean- where I feel like I have this obligation towards her to just keep saving her because she is my mom. But anyway, she once again ended up in this rehab in NYC. And apparently from what she is telling me, she was being accused by the counselors of something she didn't do. (I think it was about stealing) whatever the case was, they wanted to take her cell phone (that I pay for) as punishment. Being the bullheaded lady that she is, she refused to do so. With i'm sure a lot of fighting and defiance on her end. --my mother really is awful-- and they kicked her out. this was all at 11 pm last night that I get a phone call from a random number. She is crying saying I need to report her iPhone stolen because she was walking down the street (her rehab is in a bad neighborhood) and someone stole her phone. She told me that she is going to try and get in touch with her "friend" from up there to see if she could sleep at his house for the night. She also let me know a girl in the rehab was nice enough to give her 20$. I get a phone call at 5 am saying she slept in the park, they won't let her back into the facility and begging me my brother or sister to come and get her. When I didn't jump on that bandwagon right away she got so mad and kept screaming and crying "you're really going to leave me out here?" Now I made a decision that when she went in this time (about three months ago) that I will no longer provide money, cigarettes, rides or buy her anything. I've done just that this whole time. I don't know what to do now though.. We've always jumped in for the resue no matter what her situation was. My older sister is completely over it and refuses to do anything for her. She says that our mother is strong, resilient and always figures out what to do in a dire situation. Which is true. She is a master manipulator and very resourceful when it comes to things like this. My brother and I are the horrible guilt ridden ones ALWAYS and my mom knows this and preys on that. also, at 5 am when I told her to try and get to her old outpatient counseler to see if she will help her find another place, she told me she had 25 cents in her pocket and sounded that she was still drunk from the night before. Like it was the tail end of it. Because that 20$ that that girl gave her, I know went to alcohol and she drank herself to sleep in the park. It's obvious. My mom doesn't have the willpower to not use. Especially in the situation she is in.
in short, I'm asking WHAT DO I DO? Do I let her figure it out on her own up there or once again rescue her.. She has so much stuff in that place.. Like i know I'm thinking of stupid material possessions but still... If she comes in my home, my boyfriend is telling me to have fun with that on my own because he is beyond DONE and cannot support anything that will be enabling my mom. My brother lives in the tiniest apartment with his girlfriend and cats. Has no room. And my sister... That's not even an option. I'm f_***... Please help and advise me. Thank you..
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 15th of July 2016 07:21:49 AM
Welcome, Your situation sounds very familiar so I would suggest that you not answer the telephone when mom calls, and start to take care of your life and the important other people in it.
Alcoholism, as you know, is a dreadful, progressive, chronic, fatal disease that can be arrested but not cured. We are powerless over this diease but have been affected by it and need a progam of recovery of our own. I sugggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings and attend The hot line number is in the white pages. Here I learned to keep the focus on myself, live one day at a time and trust that the world will unfold without my interference . Keep coming back There is hope .
Welcome to MIP Chelsea - glad you found us and glad that you shared. We do not provide advice, but rather share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) in the hopes it will help others. This disease is progressive and difficult to understand. Those of us who have lived with it are often sucked into the drama/chaos brought by the disease and don't know how to back out with grace and dignity.
For me, this is where Al-Anon provided hope, help and suggestions. We work the same 12 Steps of recovery as AA, and we work to change what we can - ourselves. I know in my experience that every time I saved my qualifier(s), they did not learn as much as when they had to save themselves. Mine were creative and focused enough to always find a substance to use/abuse when desired, so I figured (after being in this program and getting clarity) if I stopped fixing, rescuing and saving, perhaps they could use that same determination and effort to find a way out of their own circumstances.
Al-Anon has taught me how to set boundaries and how to detach with love. There is help and hope in the program. I would also consider not answering the phone and do something just for you and your sanity today. My best suggestion is to find an Al-Anon meeting, and attend.
Keep coming back - this program works when we work it....pick you - you deserve peace, joy and happiness as we all do!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That sounds like a difficult night, you must be exhausted but well done for staying strong and resolute through it all.
I found coping with my husband's drinking so counterintuitive - I love him and wanted to help him and in my experience that meant helping to make his life run smoothly over the bumps. I was thinking 'oh, if he can see how easy it is to make sensible choices, how much more comfortable his life can be, then it will be easier for him to stop drinking.' Well that didn't work!!! I wonder if I taught him that my love came in rescue packages and the naughtier he was, the more I would rescue/love? Anyway, I think that I just got in the way of him learning how to look after himself and in the process I forgot to look after myself.
Alanon helps me to remember that I matter too. There is no reason why I should let my own well-being down in order to live someone else's life for them. So when times were tough and unexpected crisis came up I took whatever steps I needed to in order to keep my own life running smoothly. Despite appearances, my husband is an adult and I consider it a gift to him that I believe that he has the right to make his own mind up about how he is going to behave. Needless to say, after a few uncomfortable trips and blunders, he started to make better choices once he started to feel the consequences. There was no reason for me to feel guilty - easier said than done sometimes, but that surrender of guilt seemed really important to me - it was part of my handing over responsibility and self-empowerment to my husband.
I started to concentrate on restoring my own worth which meant catching up on lost sleep, doing things that I enjoyed, spending time with people who enjoyed and valued life. I have felt uncomfortable at times on this journey, when things are going well I tend to cock my head and stall, listening out for the rumble of future thunder!! But I am much stronger and more empowered because of what I have learnt and it gets easier the more I practice.
Keep coming back and I hope that today is a calmer one for you - I like Betty's suggestion of not answering the phone calls by the way! ((((Hugs)))))
OMG. I am so empathizing for you. Wow. I hope you can go to ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) meetings. Alanon is awesome also though but having a parent like this is a mind screw of an entirely different nature and the ACOAs which are here on this board and in alanon also will REALLY identify.
We are not supposed to give advice in alanon, but a general rule of enabling is do not do things for an alcholic/addict that they can/should be able to do for themselves. Even if they are PLEADING, guilting, blaming - you can SEE that doing these things for them feeds the addiction and robs them of their dignity as much as the addiction itself. You mom is banking on enablers and that is why she will act up, get tossed out of rehabs. What about when she really does have consequences? Like jail. Homelessness? This hurts like hell and is an AWFUL gamble to play with your loved one. I get that, BUT alcoholics do not take things seriously until there are consequence and/or pain from the addiction that starts to outweigh the benefits of ongoing use. Sadly, some never hit that bottom.
I hope you can find meetings in your area for you. I am an adult child of alcoholics/addicts and was married to an alcoholic. I was a queen enabler and it took me going to al-anon meetings and finding my sponsor to figure out how to let go of other people's responsibilities. Life is hard, being raised by alcoholic or addict parents is even harder and does things to your thought processes. I hope you are able to dig into al-anon and take good care of yourself.
The books "Getting Them Sober" by Toby Rice Drews helped along with the 3 daily readers Courage to Change, One Day at a Time and Hope For Today all helped me get my perspective more aligned in a healthy way. This program works when you dive in and work the steps. I am glad you came to MIP!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you all so much for the encouragement and realistic "non" advice. I haven't heard anything since 5 am so I'm not sure what is going on. My mom is in the ghetto of NYC so I do not know if I could not answer her but I will try my hardest to stand my ground. I've tried alanon when I was younger and I went quite often. I was just the kid in the corner that every time they got to me I couldn't get through introducing myself without bursting into tears (I'm so sensitive.) so I just gave up.. Maybe I will try again. I like the idea of a obtaining a sponsor. I never thought I could do that.. I was considering therapy but having a sponsor will be a closer to home kind of thing. Thank you all.
There is nothing wrong with crying many do
Especially the new people that are in a lot of
emotional Pain. I know i did, i just sat and
listened and cried.
I do share now you will when you are ready, Time
takes time. I still go to a therapist, the changing
from The inside out came from working my Alanon
program And using the tools.
Try to dive into your alanon ftf meetings There
is literature to purchase and usually A lending
library.
Aloha Chelsea and welcome to the board...Sad that you or anyone or anyone of us have ever had to go thru this insanity however if you go back and read your post you will recognize the most cunning, powerful and baffling disease that addiction is. Your Mom actually wants that happy, balanced life we all want and alcohol wants her drunk. There isn't any cure for alcoholism so the only person that can help her is her. She will need to do just the same thing that was suggested here...get around and into the recovering community with honesty and commitment and then live and follow the steps, traditions and suggestions of the program. She can become another of the many miracles which come about from practice of the program in all her affairs. I read your post and thought about a most recent miracle locally between a mother and son who was enabling her to stay drunk because he didn't think he could do anything else. She couldn't even walk and traveled around with him in the back of their station wagon to here and there and I sponsored him. He came to understand and then practice that "No" was a complete sentence and 2 weekends ago he and she arrived at a meeting and she announced 1 and half years of sobriety while standing up on her own and walking on her own. Is there a Higher Power?...turn your Mom over to your Higher Power and practice "No" and the program. Keep coming back because this works when your work it. Prayers for you and your Mom and her family. ((((hugs))))
The way alcoholics learn the true cost of their addiction is by experiencing the costs of the addiction. Like being stuck in a crummy part of New York with no place to sleep.
You saw what she did with the $20. She could have bought a subway token to a better part of town. She could have taken a cab to a better part of town. She could have used it to get back to the rehab and ask for advice. She could have used it to get to a homeless shelter. She could have bought some food with it. What did she do with it? She used it to get drunk.
Be aware that that is exactly what she will do with any help you give her. If you give her a way out, she will get drunk. If you give her a place to stay, she will get drunk.
Maybe a list of local AA meetings would be a useful thing to give her.
The best thing you can give her, longterm, is your own recovery. Then you can interact with her without the old enabling tendencies coming forward, and it will be a model for her. When we get our own recovery, everything changes, because the dynamic changes. Do you have an Al-Anon or ACOA meeting? Finding one that's a good fit for you will change both of you in ways it's hard even to imagine. I hope you'll keep coming back and take good care of yourself.
