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My son and I are staying at a summer house we have.
Last year we had a group of guests stay for a week and one of them brought a bottle of bourbon. I guess somebody had some, though I didn't keep track, because it was missing about two inches after they all left. I hardly drink at all and never drink bourbon, so I just stored it on the counter with a collection of cannisters, bottles of seltzer, etc. etc., and didn't give it another thought.
So here we are back again and I'm cleaning the kitchen and I notice the bottle has about half an inch of bourbon in it. The half an inch left just reads "sneaky" to me for some reason.
This gives me a real uncomfortable feeling, as it's just the kind of thing my ex-AH would have done. But he is literally thousands of miles away and has no reason to come here, nor does he have access.
The people who have access are: 1) an old family friend who used to take care of the place years ago and still has keys. But he has health problems and hasn't been here to my knowledge for several years. And anyway, he could just go buy alcohol anywhere. I really don't see why he would do it, and it wouldn't be in character. 2) The family friend who helps me to take care of it now. He has 30 years of sobriety. He could have done it, certainly, but also if he wanted to go off the wagon, he could just go buy his own, not steal somebody else's. I posed the question and he seemed genuinely surprised. Alcoholics lie, certainly. But I didn't get those evasive vibes I used to get from my ex-AH. And the friend seems as sober as always. 3) Someone else who came in the house. I asked the family friend if he had brought anyone with him. He said he had brought a 14-year-old girl (whom I know) who was helping him with a project, to hold something while he did some two-person repairs. He says he didn't leave her alone in the house.
There is no sign of someone else breaking in, and it would be difficult for someone to do without evidence, as the house is locked and bolted in ways that even those in the know have trouble getting around!
But then it occurred to me that there was another possibility. Did my son drink the bourbon after we arrived this year? He is often up later at night than I am. He is 14 years old. To all appearances he's a kid on the straight and narrow, well-behaved, cooperative, well-adjusted, has good friends who are also good kids. To my knowledge he has never viewed his dad's drunken shenanigans (his dad moved out when he was 2 years old). We have talked about alcohol and its dangers. And a friend told me last year that he told her that he thought it was a risky substance and that he was going to wait until he was in his 20s before he tried it, if ever. So he had a healthy respect for the dangers until recently, but of course who knows what his friends have been discussing, and whether they might think alcohol is "cool" or whatever.
The trouble is that if he did not drink the bourbon, and I ask him, he will say he didn't drink it. But if he did drink the bourbon, and I ask him, he will say he didn't drink it.
I know there's a strong possibility that he's inherited the gene for alcoholism. So if he did drink it, I want to figure out what to do and how to intervene. Because this would be a very, very worrying development. As he's so young, this is not a time for being hands-off. But also I don't want to come in all guns blazing if he didn't drink it.
In my experience, his is exactly the age where peer pressure, curiosity etc are strong. I remember stealing alcohol at that age from my house, mainly to show off to my friends. Maybe a tactic could be discussing the issue of stealing in a general way and stress that it's unacceptable and what can happen. I understand your fear, but I honestly don't think this alone is enough to worry about the disease. It's probably showing you he's entered that normal phase in life where acceptance by peers is everything.
I agree Mattie, It is troubling. I would not have any difficulty explaining my concerns to my son and hope that this discussion might lead to a deeper more realistic discussion of the disease and the dangers.
Positive thoughts and prayers on the way.
By that age, mine were well beyond their 'first experiment' with mind altering substances. They also certainly did have first hand knowledge of the disease, the possibility of inheriting it, etc. They did lie about what they had tried, what they were doing, etc. They had good grades, good friends, etc. The disease does not discriminate and I also believe this is troubling.
I did not have the Al-Anon program or tools when I first suspected they were indulging so my experience isn't relevant. I do know that no words, no coaching, counseling, teaching, parenting stopped their disease and it took me coming to Al-Anon to learn they had their own HP and their own path. I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers - the logical part of my brain suggests that nobody is going to 'own it' and you are not going to discover who drank it. A responsible drinker would have left a note or replaced the bottle.....
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Greetings Mattie, sending ((((hugs)))) to muffle those alarm bells!
I find myself nodding in agreement with Iamhere's comment that a responsible drink would leave a note and we all know how useless it is trying to track down responsibility of irresponsible drinkers. I think that around the age of 15/16 I tried quite a few sips from my parent's drinks cabinet - not great, but I am fairly sure that I survived to be a responsible drinker.
Have you binned the bottle? If not, I wonder if an obliging cockroach or two might be inclined to crawl inside?! Probably not a great idea. Sorry to be naughty.
Mattie, I first drank at age 14. I was starting to hear from friends about "partying and getting drunk" and I was not particularly popular, nor invited to said "parties." Anyhow, I raided the booze under my parents kitchen sink that they never drank. HOWEVER, I got hammered and it was obvious what I had done. That being said, I did start some sneaking behaviors with parents' pills and stuff at a young age too.
So....I think based off my experience, I would have a conversation where you say "I am not accusing you. I think you are a great kid, but you are an adolescent and this is something we need to discuss especially given the genetics and so forth going on with addiction in the family." From that point I might explain about how addiction is so much more than the actual drinking and it also is about sneaking and lying and that is part of what eventually allows addiction to consume a person because they hide or minimize the amount they are consuming from others who might disapprove and then either do it alone or only with others who are doing it. I might also say you know he is at an age where is is going to do some things that he probably doesn't want you to know about and he is forming his identity apart from you and that is a completely NORMAL part of being 14....just that the risks he chooses for himself (and that all people generally face as part of growing up) may best be made with more facts and that is your job as his mom.
So while you may have discussed addiction with him. Maybe it is time for a more grown up and candid discussion? Not sure.
One thing I always stress when working with adolescents is also this:
For most of childhood, kids hear "drug are evil", "drugs are bad" and they have no access or real desire to use until adolescence so it is really easy for them to carry forth this "DARE/Nancy Reagan - Just say NO" sort of mentality. Especially when they have an addict or alcoholic parent(s). BUT THEN, all it takes is them trying alcohol and or drugs 1 time and then what?
"Hey! That wasn't bad. That didn't kill me. Doesn't seem evil to me. In fact, it felt awesome! All those stupid grown ups lied! Drugs and/or alcohol feel awesome and grown ups are stupid liars. Yay drugs and alcohol!"
So---as part of substance abuse prevention with at risk teens or those already into abusing substances, I tell them straight up - "Drugs/Alcohol probably will make you feel good at first. Toss out all that DARE stuff and get real. What makes you feel good for a bit IS NOT always what is best for you in the long run. It might FEEL good to eat an entire pack of oreos but what happens afterward is not good. You might FEEL good or get a rush from a bunch of stuff that is bad for you in the long run - shoplifting, gambling, sexual risk taking. Do not think that just because something FEELS good for a bit that it IS good. This does not mean some of these things are EVIL. Some people can do them responsibly (not shoplifting obviously) but just a fair warning. Now go make your own choices.'
-- Edited by pinkchip on Friday 15th of July 2016 10:08:20 AM
Because my exAH drank since he was a young teen and I'm not a drinker I decided to keep no alcohol in my house. I now have 3 teens and an 8 year old and I just want to make it clear I have made it this far without alcohol and if they do get ahold of the stuff it won't be from me. It doesn't take away from me if its not in my home and then I know that I'm not supplying to anyone underage with all the kids around here. It is a conversation I've had to have with my oldest who is now 18 with her dad being an alcoholic and she knows the dangers. She hasn't wanted to go to al-ateen but I've given her several books that she has read and she met with a counselor several times after I left that had a alcohol specific counseling practice. Educating our kids is the best thing we can do and hope that we can show them other tools to cope with life. Thanks for sharing.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
Thank you all. It is really unnerving to me that something creepy is going on with alcohol and I don't know what. I imagine that after having experienced life with addicts, you know how finding that there is something secretive going on with alcohol brings back all the old memories of stumbling across the hiding and sneaking, and being so shocked. (I didn't grow up with alcoholism, so all this was new and shocking to me.)
After five days here, my son went off to stay with his grandparents. So if he was the one who drank the bourbon, he drank 3/4 of a bottle in five days without my detecting any difference in him. It seems a little unlikely but not impossible. But someone has been sneaking - that's the unnerving part - whether it's him or someone else.
Normally I never have any alcohol in the house at all. I certainly won't after this. Ugh!
I will do my best to raise this topic with him like the grown-up I want to be. When I think about having the conversation, my hands start to shake and I feel like throwing up. That's the legacy of my experiences with his dad, and my fears for him. I'll need to practice being calm a while before I'm ready to have the conversation. He is at his grandparents' a few more days so I have some time to prepare.
I don't know if this is an off suggestion, so take it or leave it because I'm in alanon for good reason, but would it be an idea to set up a hidden camera by the liquor cabinet so you have more information? I wouldn't confront anyone with the evidence but at least you'd know if it was your son or someone else. Having written that out though, if it is or if it isn't, the whole ongoing dialogue around substance use is still one that has to happen. I like the point pink made about how the drugs alcohol are evil lectures tend to fly in the face of first experiences which feel fun and seem harmless. I first drank at 13, loved the buzz and didn't try again till 17, by which time it was medicine for pain I didn't have tools to cope with. My friends were all drinking from 14 up. Some turned out OK, a few didn't. I hope you will be OK Mattie. You're a very smart and insightful person.
I also find that a piece of the porch (a thing that was attached to the porch - hard to describe) is missing. Hard to know if that's related or not, but it increases the feeling of things being creepy. That is definitely not something my son did - you'd need specialized tools to do it.
I know this may sound like the old obsessive codie coming back, but I am going to lay a trap and put out another bottle of opened alcohol. If part of it gets drunk overnight, then I know it's my son. (Drinking up almost the whole of the previous bottle suggests that whoever is doing it is ignorant of or does not care about the trick of filling the thing up with water to make the level look the same - a trick my ex-AH was good at.) Nobody else has access while we are here. And I just want to get as much evidence for or against my son as I can. It seems to me that the odds are against him being the drinker, as my son has always been a very cautious child, just as I was. (And I never tried alcohol till I was 28). The other kids rush into the water and he hangs back, the others taste weird sandwiches and he won't try them, etc. So I think the odds are against it. But the odds are not 0, so I will look into this further and keep an open mind. And I will definitely have more advanced talks with him about the risks and temptations of alcohol. Thank you all again. Boy, this stuff is nervewracking.
