That seems odd. I agree, why? I'm guessing the daughter wanted to show her mom her room etc. but I also would not have been comfortable with the idea of an ex whoever doing a walk through of my house without me there. The boyfriend seeing the house? That seems odd. I agree, why? And you bf was the one who was asked not the two of you. Maybe because they felt there was a better chance of getting their way?  My bf's aunt often crosses boundaries. She usually tries to get him alone when we are at gatherings to impose her unsolicited advice for his family. She is his mother's brother's wife. My bf get sucked in at times because she's extremely manipulative and approaches him as if she "just cares." She's an information gatherer who then gossips about what she finds out. My bf is a nice guy but sometimes may be too nice. That could be the case with your bf as well.  We're together six years now and pretty much have our game plan down now concerning boundaries concerning for our home, topics not up for discussion at family gatherings and boundaries concerning the kids. We are pretty much on autopilot now thank goodness. The conversations we had we important and vital to maintaining a solid relationship between us. One clear boundary is that he never answers for the two of us concerning anything which involves the two of us. He simply states, I'll get back to you about that. My ex use to say he had to check with me which inevitably made me the supposed bad guy to others when I chose to say no. My bf doesn't put me in that position. We discuss and make decisions together. I think your bf innocently said yes to the request to tour the house like a nice unsuspecting guy does.

I guess at this point, maybe discuss things with your bf and then the two of you can be sure the kids know the house rules as well. From my experiences, it's been important for us to present a united front with his kids. It's so easy to become the scapegoat for the anger of someone else's kids because you aren't their "real" parent. It's been important for my bf to show through his words and actions that I am a very high priority in his life as are my feelings. I have made this clear concerning my bf with my family as well. We no power over how others perceive us or our boundaries. What's important is that we are clear concerning what works in our relationship and our home so we can limit occurrences of drama and resentment.

I'm sorry your privacy was invaded. I know it's a really icky feeling. I'm betting your guy will understand if you explain on a more personal level how it felt to know someone was traipsing through your home without you there and what you would be comfortable with in the future.  (((((hugs))))  TT

Thank you deacon for your response, we have discussed the boundaries and don't align perfectly, but did let the ex-wife know that last minute calls to the children is not the way to come over. And he did apologize for not consulting me.

Thank you tiredtonite, yes of course he is such a nice guy and wants everyone happy. I just need to let this go, I do believe I've made this personal between his ex and myself.

Thank you Iamhere you pose some very good questions, I do not believe I am jealous at all, HALT most likely, insecure I have to look at more thoroughly. I know a back story on her that is not pretty and it really makes me not want her in our home. She made a copy of a key to my boyfriends last place without his permission and snuck in while we were on vacation last year, she has swiped money from him in the past out of the kids accounts knowing he would repay it. I have boundaries with my ex that when he picks up my children it is outside my home. I guess I am just holding to the same boundaries for his ex. I know she likes to be manipulative in regards to the kids and my boyfriend, I know she is not a human I feel comfortable with in my home. After reading your responses it has me believing though for the betterment of his kids maybe I need to let it go and accept that she is their Mother and may just keep finding ways to be in our house and I will try to flow better in regards to that. I have become a very private person since I found al-anon several years ago and will check myself and my motives in wanting her nowhere near my home. Sending love and support to you all!