The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been since November since Ive posted. I am in a relationship with an alcoholic. He is destructive to himself when life gets tough. He drinks and gets completely out of control. I thought he was making steps toward change but he was only hiding it really well from me. He is not hiding it anymore. Ive decided i want to leave but i have absolutely no where to go with three kids. I am completely financially dependant upon him which he has slowly over time made me. He knows he can do whatever he wants because at this point i need him for me and my kids to survive. I cant get a job because i cant afford daycare for our preschooler. I have come to accept i am going to gave to stick it out until our little guy is of school age ....at least then i can start saving money with a part time job. Its the same old song and dance.....apologies after an argument with promises of change than repeated behaviour. I just wish i would hit the lottery but i guess i have to play....
Hi Lisa.
Of course we don't give advice about whether or not you should leave someone; al-anon is in a large part about clearing the emotional clutter and becoming able to make the best decisions for ourselves. But you do say that you want to leave and you cannot due to financial dependence.
If that's truly the case I'd urge you to look at it from an "as if' perspective...what would you do and how would you survive if he just wasn't there anymore? What steps would you take to support yourself and your children?
Even if you decide you want to stay for other reasons, having worked out an plan B in all of its details is a really good clarifying exercise and it might help you to feel a bit less helpless. You might be surprised by how many options you actually have. I know I was.
Al-anon's great for clearing the fog and finding solutions that didn't seem possible before. Do you attend meetings in person or online? Do you have literature? It only works if you work it.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
i dont attend meetings or do anything to help myself. I am really low right now and literally hurting inside. I think i have finally reached a point where i see the destruction it is doing to me. I just dont know what to do where to go or how to start over. I feel alone like no one is there to point me in the right direction...maybe a direction they went down before me....
I strongly recommend finding AlAnon meeting near you and attending it. Your phone book should have a number to call for information. Some of the meetings have child care. It is here I found a way out of the destruction and isolation.
There are online meetings here twice a day. There's a link to the meetings on the top of the welcome page.
Keep posting. It helps.
A meeting would be an awesome start. Picking up some literature. Have you read Getting them sober or Codependent No More? Those are good supplements to the al-anon literature and the books I began with.
Making a contingency plan as I suggested- how would you survive without him if you HAD to might help.
Recovery looks a bit different for everyone. Reaching out and taking one or all of these steps is the only way that I know of to begin. After that your own journey will take on a life of its own. You have to start it though, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I was in a similar situation to you; I didn't have small children, but one older child and I wasn't dependent on him exactly but I couldn't afford a place on my own and had no-one else to share rent with etc. I felt trapped because i couldn't work or do anything outside the house as there was no way I could leave my child alone with my partner and I feared he would hurt our pets etc so I became really housebound and depressed. I couldn't see a way to help myself either and kept telling myself i would have to wait for this or that to happen before I could leave. meanwhile things became more and more unmanagable and downright dangerous.
I think it's good to keep in mind that you don't have to plan out your entire future right now. Just taking some small steps is enough for today.
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Lisa, I so feel for you in this situation. I know how tough it is when you also have kids and dealing with active alcoholism. Could your first step be to find a face to face meeting where you live. Maybe then you could connect with others in your area that are either in the same situation or were in that situation. I think MissMeliss had a great idea about having backup plans so you don't feel like you don't have any options and the situation was hopeless. My mom was in your situation when she was younger and was a stay at home mom and wasn't working (even though she had degrees and had been a school teacher). There may be other options like MissMeliss stated with some people helping you out with child care so you could find a job. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone. This disease is just so isolating. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.
I also agree that a meeting or a few meetings would be a great place to start. When I hit my lowest point, it is in local meetings and talking with others who understood that helped me see there was hope and help.
I am sorry you are stuck with active addiction. There are always options once we are able to think and process clearly. Unfortunately, for most of us living with active alcoholism, that's all we can see. And, our thinking and emotions get distorted enough that we see/feel/think it's all there is and all that will be. That is not reality - that's the disease working in the family unit.
There is tons of hope and help in recovery. I too am sending you positive thoughts and prayers! (((Hugs))) too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have been dealing with this for 6 years now and i really have been supressing my feelings. If i told him his drinking was having a negative effect on my mental health he would laugh at me ....i am feeling like i am going to cry and cry and cry all of a sudden...and i am not a cryer. Its really hitting me hard today what is going on hete and thinking i dont want to live out the rest of my life like this.....what is wrong with him i am so angry but if i try to discuss it he gets nasty and angry and confrontational. He can be so wonderful but i am starting to feel like that iscall a coverup...all the i love yous are lies...uts all lies
Lisa it sounds as if you are hitting an emotional bottom and I can so identify. I thought that I could handle the disease of alcoholism on my own, using my tools of pretend and denial-- I was wrong. When I arrived at the point that you are describing it was evident that I could not. That was when I finally surrendered and attended my first alanon meeting.
There is hope We cannot do this alone Please search out those meetings and attend
Glad you are here. You deserve support, understanding and a voice. I gave been around the Bush with many alcoholics from family members to work associates to them all. There is hope.
I certainly understand bottoming out.
I have been there plenty. When I come back to the program I get more sane. I get more self caring. I get more focused on what I need to do for me. There are many ways to work a program.
I know when I.am intensely irritated and furious at people it's time to detach. Every week is an adventure in taking care if myself. Right now I am feeling extremely tired. I may well need a day or two off. These days I am more willing to give it to myself. Giving to yourself when you are suffused in irritation and frustration is hard. I tend to want to beat myself up. That is never the answer.
Maresie
Many people are scared the first time, there really
Is no need to be. You will get a welcome pack, you
Do not need to speak until you are ready. Its perfectly
Normal to sit and cry. I was on rock bottom when i
arrived at the doors of alanon. I kept showing up for
me to get better week after week. I just sat and listened,
Learned and absorbed for a long time.
I think it's very hard to be at bottom. Yet bottom fir me was when I.got willing to look at the tools. The tools certainly helped me. They helped me to detach. They helped me develop a plan b. There was no happy ever after when I left the alcoholic. It took me years to recover financially and emotionally. Yet I.did recovery. The key to al anon is stay or leave you can have a better quality of life.
Good luck. Don't beat yourself up anymore. I stopped asking why. Why is the black hole of addiction. There is no why it's al about action. If they pick up that drink that's it.
Maresie
Aloha Lisa and welcome to the board...I love listening and reading the responses of these old timers because it is also so much like what I heard when I first found the program and embrased it for myself.
I was blessed with the miracle that comes as recovery and continue to work it daily because when I do that ...it works. It will work for you also. Great you found that meeting to go to and don't be so worried about the fear of going. Doing something different like this is most always fearful...we don't know what is going on or if we are doing the right thing. For me I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know and the group gave me a practice target...go 90 meetings in 90 days they told me and I did coming thru it a different man. I risked the fear and anger my alcoholic/addict wife would have when she found out and it didn't matter I wanted to live sane and Al-Anon does that for so many of us. Welcome home and keep coming back with that open mind. ((((hugs))))
I feel like a brick has dropped on me when he is drunk and ranting. But when he is partially sober (he has not been completely sober since he was 14)...when he is who i fell in love with i get tricked. I feel hopeful. But i know deep deep inside that the partially sober person he displays is not real...it is a coverup so he gets what he wants from me...love. Its a fishing line...casting me out and reeling me back in. Im so beat up inside i cant stand it
I love the view in your picture - it looks so beautiful.
My husband loves to fish for a response from me as well - it is crazy making! I really thought that there was something wrong with me but that is how this nonsense works! Why would you stand it?!! Sounds to me as though the coverup has slipped - yay!!
When I went to my first Alanon meeting I had shaking knees! I walked into that room and felt acceptance and understanding and pure kindness. And yet these folks were going through the same nonsense as me?? I wanted to learn how they did it!!!
I love the Alanon idea that 'the alcoholic is going to drink, what are you going to do?' That comment put me back in touch with a younger me, one who wasn't worn out by this disease, the me that made my own choices before alcohol came into our lives.
I hope you will let us know how your meeting went - you are absolutely not alone. (And it is ok to cry a bit! Those feelings do come back and my tears cleared the way for laughter. )
sending you strength and hope...alanon helped me realize my worth and helped to clear out his 'circus of destruction' from my mind so i had room to fiquie out what i could do next.
When I arrived at the point that you are describing it was evident that I could not. That was when I finally surrendered and attended my first alanon meeting.
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