Today's c2c talks about anger, and appropriate ways to deal with it.

Many of us have very poor tools for managing anger when we arrive at al-anon; stuffing our feelings, denying they exist, storming off in a huff, exploding, etc.

The reading suggests chanelling anger into less destructive (or constructive) pursuits (such as anger-cleaning) to prevent it building to an unmanagable level, and learning to communicate anger constructively. The reading also points ot that this is not easy at first but it is important to persevere and overcome fear/aversion to conflict because not communicating anger when necessary can be very destructive to us.

It reminds us that feeling our feelings is one thing and learning to balance those feelings with appropriate action is another.

"When angry, count to ten before you speak- if very angry, an hundred" (Thomas Jefferson)

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I could not express anger before and it is a work in progress for me. 

My old way to deal with anger was to say nothing until I would explode in an unintelligible mess. Then I'd be embarrassed and ashamed and whatever had made me angry would become secondary to my own outburst. Folks know this about me and play on it too; very often key people in my life, such as my partner, my ex husband and his wife and even my child frequently do something that they know will make me angry, then push me to breaking point and then jump on my anger as the only issue. (I know this is about me and my reactions but this issue is definitely one where i have come to recognise how well I set myself up to be a scapegoat in the past and how that was capitalised on by others adding to the burning resentment as well as shame within me). 

One thing I know about myself is that i cannot stand to have answers demanded of me right NOW. I need time, even a few minutes to process things and to be sure I am responding and not reacting with emotion. I demand the right to do this now and will not answer on-the-spot questions. I state that I require some time to think about it and I will take a moment to talk to my HP and if possible, focus on something else for a while before making a decision/making a response to a contentious issue. Giving myself the gift of time when handling conflict means I can respond with less emotion and in a far more assertive way without ending up feeling ashamed and exhausted after a screaming match.

I'm also getting much better at communicating my anger and use phrases like "I would like to be clear that i am not happy with x situation and we will need to resolve it so that we are both happy" etc. For example, recently I planned to go on an outing with someone and they decided they wanted to go with someone else instead. So they started trying to convince me that i didn't want to go really and it would be easier for me if i didn't. I held fast to my truth- i do want to go, but if you'd prefer to take someone else then that is your choice". Later, after the event they tried to tell me what a great day they had and that it had been 'easier for me" that they took someone else and I calmly told them "I'm very dissapointed that you decided to go with someone else. I'm angry about it but I don't want to dwell on it now so I'd prefer not to hear any more about it, thanks". I find calmly stating my truth, even if the truth is that I am angry, is a lot more satisfying than having a melt-down. I retain my dignity and still express what i need to express.

Sorry, I've written a bit of a novel about this lol; expressing anger is a big learning process for me!