The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband asked me to write an affect or impact letter to place in a sealed envelope for him to read at group the middle of this week. I am looking for opinions as to if it sounds to harsh and angry. I don't want him to shut down while reading it but I am tired of being afraid and treating him with kid gloves about what he has really done. I did use some other letters I read as a guide.
You have asked me to write you a letter explaining how your use has impacted me. I have to start it by telling you that I love you so very much. If you dont know that by now, and you dont know that I have not given up on you no matter how much you have tried to push me away, youre crazy. That being said, I will be totally honest with my feelings at this point. Even though I love you, I hate your addiction. I think what has affected me most was how you pushed me away. I felt unloved and unwanted. that was hard to deal with, because you were the one person to ever make me feel loved and wanted. For the first time in my life, I was comfortable with myself and you gave that to me. So when you pulled away it hurt me. It still hurts. I still feel unloved and unwanted most of the time. I feel as if you search for things to convince you that our relationship is bad and feed on negativity that you allow into your life. It becomes more and more apparent when you are doing something you know you should not be because you push me further and further away. You seem to look for situations that will enable those feelings and you will not have to be accountable. I especially felt it when you choose alcohol, drugs and other women over your family. Any fun plans we would have would go right out the window, because you wouldn't feel like it or you wanted to not be around us.
I knew something wasnt right from the beginning of last summer. I attempted to talk to you about it and got denial and explanations of large workload and you had to work late all of the time. Come November I had suspicions that something more was going on and by that point you had become very angry and even more withdrawn and filled with hurtful remarks about me and our life. I feel excuses were made to start fights so you could leave to go get drunk and high with your new found friends. Then came Christmas where my present from addiction was the news of an STD from addictions new friends and hidden second life. Followed by all of the testing to make sure my life was not endanger and did not have cancer and addiction had no feelings about the situation. There were many sleepless nights as you continued to allow addiction to be in control and fear of me finding out the truth. I had to figure out how to support our family on my earnings depleting our savings to live as you depleted anything possible to feed addiction..
After this the anger and the hatred towards me continued and the constant avoiding of me. Hiding behind your other diagnoses and playing on my kind heart and attempt to help you get better from what I thought was the problem. Anytime I questioned anything there was complete denial and again hiding behind another diagnosis. I continued on the assumption that time and medication management were going to fix the problem. Then came that day when you finally admitted that there was really more to the story and you were using. That day I felt stupid and betrayed even more than before.
I again felt incredibly betrayed in that last week when I found that you felt hiding a relationship with a friend was a good thing because the addiction was your problem to deal with in whatever way you chose fit but yet wanted control of who I spoke to about what was going on. Most likely because you were being told what your addiction wanted to hear and were isolating yourself from all of your loved ones sleeping because you knew it was not right so it was easier to react that way to feed the addiction personality at that point instead.
So that is how your addiction has affected me. That is probably not even half of it, but I can't think of anything else at this moment. I am going to be here for you the only way I know how. I love you, but you make it really hard to do that sometimes. And it is really hard to find the supportive words sometimes right now, because I don't even remember how it feels to have that support from you. It is really hard to remember to live in the memories of when I fell in love with you in the first place. And it really hurts to wonder why I am still here now. I really need my husband back. He has been gone for so long , it is so lonely without him. We had such an amazing relationship prior to your relationship with meth. My hope is for this recovery process to bring him back to me. He is still in there somewhere, because I have seen him come through every now and then. I am tired of living with this selfish, self-obsessed monster that has taken his place. I will be here waiting when he comes back, I hope.
Wow what a really honest open loving letter. I have not been on here for a bit but thought I would check in. My A is back in recovery and I may have to do something similar in the future. I like how you separate the disease from the person yet are open and honest without blame about the impact on you. This letter shows recovery and how a healthy person communicates. I gave been focusing on loving my self during this seperation today I want a healthy relationship. I love my A but I love me too. Therefore if he wants a relationship with me he needs to do his own work. Take loving care of you and hand the rest over hugs Tracy xxxx
I agree with Tracy The letter is honest, clear and non punitive. I would like to be present to read it myself since I am the author and feel as if it is strange that he has been asked to obtain a letter from you for him to read. I think he too should include a letter from himself sharing his soul and his part in the situation.
Good Luck
I an impressed by your letter. I am glad your husband is in recovery.
Meth is a very powerful drug you gave conveyed very succinctly how hurt, betrayed and devast ate you are by his actions.
My knowledge of recovery from me this not that good. I know many peoe who relapse. There are many elements to what people do on that drug.
I know for me personally it is bewildering that people can go.down that road. But what has been more bewildering is to go down it with them.
I try to focus on taking care of me. I know it is such great hope to tho K they can change and be in recovery. At the same time I have to take care of myself. I have needs. I have goals separate from any relationship.
My struggle in al anon has been about taking care of myself despite what any alcoholic or addict does.
Maresie
Welcome. Thank you for sharing your letter. You seem to love your husband very much and want what's best for him. I think your letter expresses the facts as you see them and your feelings as you know them to be concerning all of this.
Assuming you are in the Alanon program, one of the tools of our program is to say what we mean, mean what we say and not to say it mean. I think you accomplished that in your impact letter.
The letter you've written has a lot of very personal details. In your position, I would have to give thought as to whether I wanted all of those detailed openly shared with people in his group. Your husband if he chooses to keep recovering will work 4th, 5th and 9th steps where he will identify his wrongs to himself and others, share them with a trusted sponsor and his higher power and make amends for those wrongs to perhaps yourself and other people. Explicitly sharing the sordid details at a group meeting, may expose his wrongdoing but it will also will destroy boundaries of privacy concerning yourself and your children. These details will be presented to a group in the throes of their own addiction and recovery. Eventually, if your husband chooses to continue in sobriety, you may meet some of these people at sober events. Some may relapse and tell your personal business to people in your community. If you care about your anonymity and privacy, you will be putting very personal details of your marriage in the hands of a whole room of people and trusting that they will keep those facts within the walls of the meeting place. Often, we choose a sponsor with whom to share intimate details and share more generally in our recovery meetings.
If I were in your position, I would stick with just share my feelings and perhaps use the word "betrayal" without going into the details. I believe a letter like yours v heartfelt and honest and deserves a different audience. It's a letter that would be so beneficial to Alanon recovery if shared with a trusted Alanon sponsor and your higher power and the same for your husband and his AA recovery when shared with his trusted sponsor and higher power or even a therapist in private counseling.
From your letter and the question you've asked, you seem to be a loving wife who wants to support her husband's recovery. I guess I would not forget to consider my own feelings concerning the sharing of the details rather than just my feelings with his whole group. Once I'd honestly answered that, I would be ready to either alter my letter or move forward with it. To Thine Own Self Be True
Thank you for sharing. Wishing you both the best on your recovery journeys. (((hugs))) TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of July 2016 08:26:56 PM
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 11th of July 2016 08:48:46 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Boundaries are important too.
Personally I.don't know that telling any active alcoholic/addict how their behavior has affected you will change anything. Their denial is absolute.
I don't tend to confront people I detach.
Maresie
I have written a long (5 page) letter to my AH which took hours, tears, rewrites..... I KNOW it wont change a thing with regards to him but I have this huge urge to be heard. I feel like for 10 years I have more or less shut up knowing nothing will change about our relationship or his drinking or all the difficulties which he has experienced that caused him to be an alcoholic. My Dad died of A and my best friend/lawyer is a recovered A (25 years sober) and a counselor and so I feel like I understand the disease inside and out. Its just I don't want to have to be sensitive and understanding any more. I want him to have to understand some things. My things. Even if he can't/won't get it I want him to have to hear my voice.
Does anyone else ever feel like this, just a huge need to be heard?
As I've explained before, I cant attend f2f so I just read every single post here and on the site.
Hi Lisa I have felt as you do and found that by attending alanon meetings, sharing there and with a sponsor I satisfy my need to be "heard". Using the Steps and the Traditions I was able to comprehend that alcoholism is a dreadful disease that had affected me greatly. Post here often and you will feel heard.
Using the tools of recovery, i was able to let of my anger, resentment, self pity and fear and take care of my needs in a healthy fashion
In fact today's reading in C2C talks about alanon's purpose as is outlined in the Fifth Tradition. In this Tradition,it is suggested that we encourage and understand our alcoholic relatives. The reading tries to make it clear that we can focus on ourselves and still be a loving and caring person as well. We can have compassion for loved ones who suffer from the disease without losing our sense of self.
Encouraging and being kind to others is one way of being good to ourselves and we don't have to sacrifice ourselves. Al-Anon teaches us how to love and take care of ourselves while we offer support to others..
It is great you found the need to be heard--now it is important to do so with people who understand as few other can. Keep coming back.
Lisa - I too have felt the need to be heard....and that need was so strong, that I wrote hundreds of letters and also spoke louder often trying to be heard. What happened is my letters went unread mostly, unheard often and my louder voice was met with even louder voices and denial all around. The program suggests that we admit we are powerless of the alcoholic - every element of their being to include the actions, choices, words, mannerisms, etc.
When we embrace the program and realize that nothing we see, do, yell, write, wish, want or need from an alcoholic can be changed by us, we begin to see what in us can be changed to have peace and joy in our life. Removing the emotional clutter in our mind and hearts is what the program, tools, steps, meetings, sponsor did for me. While I worked to let go of all that was beyond my control, I was replenished with positive energy, clearer thinking and tools to use to help me cope, heal and deal.
I still write often as it's a productive way for me to express myself. I rarely deliver what I've written as I practice JADE often for my own sanity - Don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. There are no amount of sane or logical statements I can make that will change another person - change always come from within and is usually driven by pain.
I realize you can't get to F2F meetings, but I encourage you to attend meetings here. The schedule is to the top left as well as the link to the meeting room. When there is a chair-person, and they happen, they are awesome.
Keep coming back - you are not alone and there is help and hope when we work this program as best we can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
