The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was thinking this morning that at times I feel guilty that I no longer have romantic feelings for my A, and respect has diminished in many areas. My A's behavior clogs my brain. I try to practice all my tools, slogans, 3 C's, ODAT, etc. My A's behavior is very sick and sad. I wish I had the feelings I used to, but I don't have the life and relationship I started out with. There are reasons some of us stay married to our A, and I know others move on. I would like to let go of the guilt. I'm surviving and doing much better. I'm enjoying parts of my life in spite of my dysfunctional marriage. Go figure, Lyne
Lyne, I also experienced those changed feelings for my AH. The horrors of the disease took over. But I can say that over time, working the Alanon program, I gained empathy for his struggles by learning about the disease. Now (although he has passed) I can remember the romantic feelings we had for so many years in the beginning of our marriage and dwell on those times instead of the bad times.
In my F2F meeting last week, we read a passage in the Alanon book In All Our Affairs, that struck me. It said that Alanon does not promise to save marriages, only sanity.
I'm so glad to hear you are enjoying parts of your life! That's what it is all about, and I hope those enjoyable parts continue to grow.
((Lyne)) I do believe that we can all state that our relationships have changed in the process of living life on life's terms I know that my unrealistic expectations were that I could stay on the emotional high forever and i faulted myself when i came down to earth . I do believe that this is where a "second more deeper love" comes in.
Please forgive yourself for your unrealistic expectations and let go of the guilt .
I would add my partner to my gratitude list each day and include an asset that i am a loving caring partner This should erase the guilt.
I can relate.....to the what was, what has been, and then now what is......I can say that for whatever reason, I love my AH today even if I am not knocking down the doors to get in his shorts.....it is a deeper love, a spiritual love - a respect of sorts. All that is written above me applies - working the program helped me see my expectations were warped. Time in the program allowed me to see that he is sick with a disease, which helped me replace anger & resentments with compassion. Lastly, seeing him as just another human on this earth doing the best he can with what he had allowed me to have grace at times I am just not sure what's going on around me.
My sponsor made me write down 5 positive things each day about my husband for a long, long while. It was very, very hard in the beginning.....like it took me all day because my mind was so blocked by the pain I had from living with this disease. As I get better, and my mind cleared, it did get easier.....there are still days when I am grateful I don't have to do this any more, but I can give it all up to God as I go to sleep and start fresh with the new day.
(((Hugs))) - it does get better with program, practice and time.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I think my resentment at losing the romantic feelings was huge. My resentments are huge. I gave to watch then really carefully
I was with a man last night who clearly cherished his wife. It was like watching something from another country. I don't think I have experienced that. He talked about wanting to spend time with her. He laughed when he got a snap chat from her. I have to say it was one of the first times I have not been suffused in jealouse when I saw that. It was lime seeing another world.
I think my feeling around alcoholism now is that I have a lot of compassion for it. I also know I deserve more. I.deserve the best. I am worth the best.
Maresie
When I began to really believe that my life was mine to shape in a way that makes me happy then I let go of guilt. I have a duty to me. I stopped putting another person's life in front of mine. I am powerless over their life but not mine. I ended my relationship and I knew I was doing the right thing, it felt right the reasons were right and it was then he got sobriety. We are both working the steps living separate lives but the whole family has improved. He has changed so much, as I have. It a amazing. So, I suggest making the changes you need for your life, she has her own life, her own up and your not it.X
