The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, I really am trying to not immediately take on the blame for people's moods and behaviors but it is my instinctual reaction. Yesterday I saw my next door neighbor and he is normally very talkative and usually runs over when he sees me. I had to say hi first and he glumly said hi and that was it! I asked how he was and he gave a rather blah "OK". Now I KNOW there could be 1000 reasons for his response but I immediately wondered if me or more likely my AH had offended him in some way. I kept thinking and worrying about it. How do I stop taking potential blame for others moods?? Intellectually I know better, but in my gut I wonder why they're mad at ME!
My best suggestion is to truly engage with this program. So many of my own reactions, thoughts, attitudes, views were horribly distorted by living with this disease. I can relate to what you are saying, and my mind always did 'that'......it took me time and practice, practice, practice to PAUSE and consider the facts and then to do something different that was program or service focused.
I had to be told that I am not a mind-reader and if others are bothered by me, but don't tell me so I can change or amend, I do not own that monkey!!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
People pleasing is hard to let go of, i always
Wanted to be liked. Now i just try not to take
Things personal and let them go.
Its More the spiritual aspect just walking around
in your own bubble and letting others stuff fall where
It must. I hand Peoples stuff right back to them
i am not carrying Anyone elses burdens.
It is hard and we can get carried away in our head
With spins. Its not my business is another thing that
Takes real practice. Thats where pause comes In, is
this mine? Do i need to even get in there? Nope off
I go its very liberating feeling really.
I had a funny conversation with a co-worker that I love. She was very upset over a situation and taking things very, very personally .. thankfully we are pretty close in terms of sharing the same office.
We took a lovely walk around our campus and talked .. she was very upset and honestly the situation was completely uncalled for .. you know what stuff happens and it normally has everything to do with the person who is reacting to the situation .. it was definitely someone else NOT this gal, or anyone else. It's hard to see that when the frustration is vetted out.
As we walked, she talked I did a lot of nodding .. lol .. my co-workers all expect the unexpected comments from me .. LOL. I just said ok .. so we are clear .. you aren't that powerful. You just aren't. I realize this is a huge hit to the ego .. when I realized I do not own the power over other people and their behavior just so not my issue. I stopped her in her tracks and she was so shocked I wasn't sure how she was going to react to that statement. She started laughing and said you realize anyone else and those would be fighting words .. lol. I know that about her .. she's a lovely woman however takes everything so personally.
I get it .. it's hard when that little voice deep inside me whispers you are a bad girl S, bad S, bad S, you are not enough .. and all of those insecurities and feelings of shame, what did I do wrong, why am I not good enough .. all of that unnecessary garbage plays out and the gift that Alanon has given me is to stop that voice and say .. as much as I'm stuck with that little girl that is telling me someone's behavior is about me .. it's really not. That's how I have learned to tell myself I am enough. When I don't take something personally it's a win for me.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
