The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm an Alanon member, ACOA, and border on co-dependent type....
Ive been invited to a garden party, a day on a lake! Something keeps running through my head, self talk, or programming...that I don't deserve to have fun! Where on earth did that come from? It's a very subtle voice, but it's always there, that I don't deserve good stuff..... Who told me that? Maybe if I understood how this developed, I could work on reprogramming it. Linsc Any esh
))LinSC)))I believe these are attitudes that we develop after living with the disease of alcoholism That is why we need a program of recovery.
It is important that you have finally "heard them" and now can validate your truth and go and have fun.Bring HP and your alanon tools along
You can do it. Sometmes one has to act as if..we are used to having fun..then it comes true. Wear a great hat or interesting piece of costume jewerly for a ready conversation starter. that always works for me. I have tons of cool costume jewerly earings [various themes,cats,and other objects, etc]
Might it be fear of the unknown people places or things? That's from my own experiences. When I found out I allowed myself out of my comfort zone for certain periods of time and then just kept practicing over time. It worked when I worked it that way.
LinSC - Jerry hit it on the head for me....I still tend to fear new experiences, and tend to get anxious when I am departing from my comfort zone. I am so glad that I keep doing it --- I would not have reconnected with my high school friends had I not gone to the reunion. I would not have connected with expanded program friends had I not started playing sober softball. I would not ... if I had not ...
I was raised with a household that we got all our work done first, then had fun. So, if you had more work than hours in a day - too bad, so sad. It's taken me a lotta reprogramming as an adult to work on balance between productive time, fun time and down time - and I still have room to go!
(((Hugs))) - a garden party by the lake sounds fun!!! I hope you go and have a blast!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maybe going to this garden party is a bit like going to our first Alanon meeting, not knowing what to expect but something drives us to go anyway. We didn't know we deserved recovery and how it would feel until we experienced it and then we thought wow I wish I'd found the program even sooner.
I do hope you'll accept the invitation and that it'll be a great day for you. Heck, if you don't go can I go in your place? It sounds like it's could be really enjoyable.
I know for myself, I had gotten so bogged down with life's problems, I'd thought fun was a luxury I neither had time for nor could afford. I'm glad I can relax and let go today. For me, that part of "self care" in Alanon.
If you were invited, someone believes you deserve fun and likes you. That's a great start. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I get this. Is it linked with being self conscious? Ask your hp for help, help to let go of this and then trust that you can be in the moment, being right where you are. Life is for living and shaking ourselves es up getting out of the comfort zone stimulates growth. X
Driving used to be outside my comfort zone until I learnt to do it!
When I get a sense that I am telling myself something that I question I sometimes ask myself 'whose voice am I hearing?' If I think it is my own voice then I ask it 'why?' What is in it for me? Am I avoiding a risk of rejection or punishing myself or feeling guilty - do I need to be courageous or self-forgiving? Sometimes when good things happen to me out of the blue I feel like crying - that is how much I expected to feel unlovable and those tears are tears of gratitude - good tears, but tears that I was scared to shed for many years. I'm learning new ways of thinking.
The last time I was by the side of a lake it was so beautiful and stunning - it sounds like a lovely invitation and it sounds as if you would like to enjoy it too!
I soooo get it .. it has taken me a long time to figure out how to have fun. Do it in a safe way .. LOL .. I'm still a little wild I guess .. LOL.
Until I became an adult I didn't realize that you didn't have to stand straight and smile when it came to pictures .. LOL .. now I'm constantly telling the kids I want a serious picture however I must have a funny one too. I'm having to show them how to play. I love my girlfriends because they teach me everyday with how they play how to play .. I find I'm like a little kid though still learning limits.
GO have a great time and just for today give yourself permission to have fun and figure out what that means to you. I joke I moved to Texas to find my smile .. and honestly .. it's a true statement.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I came from a family that was really fearful. Certainly there was no attempt to encourage social experiences. Indeed in that family
there was a generalized phobic fear about everything. My older sister was encouraged to be social. I wasn't. Then her prowess waa held up as something that was beyond the rest of us.
I think being able to socialize well is indeed something that many alcoholics do well. I know an alcoholic at the moment whose ability to socialize is phenomenal. He looks relaxed, he"s popular, he's engaging. However in other areas of his life he is totally inept. In my dealings with alcoholics I used to focus on what they did well. I didn't focus on the big picture
Social gatherings are still pretty difficult for me. I have to watch my boundaries. I certainly don't feel at ease, comfortable or the life and soul of the party. What changed is that I am able to #pretend# better. I can act as if. Acting as if is a developmental stage. It isn't something that comes easily. If you are submerged in grief, anger, confision, acting as if isn't necessarily gonna seem seamless.
I no longer #should# myself. If I want to try something. I will try it. I don't entertain #should's# I'm fact I recently drew a big boundary with certain people who #should# on me.
Nevertheless having fun is a learning experience. For me to have fun it isn't about #shouldong# it is about being willing to try. If I feel awkward, tored, upset, conflicted I personally opt to attend to those feelings. So for me personally I wouldn't opt to go to a whole day event. I have try stuff out, have an opt out clause. Most of all I have to be in a personal space where I have the opportunity to allow myself that time. For me right now a whole day of #fun# would be impossible. The most I could do would be an hour or two. I think #shoulding#,most definitely doesn't work for me. I git invited to a night out recently. I turned down the invitation because other priorities were in the way. Whenever anyone #should's on me it is a huge red flag for me. I pull back from any kind of #should ing. I certainly also pull back from any kind of beating myself up for any perceived difficultY in any situation.
Maresie
Thanks every one. I think serenityrus hit it. Iam learning what fun is for me. My qualifier is settled and happy, and iam recently retired. People rarely impress me anymore so social gatherings r probably not for me. I don't really know what it means to have a blast! But what I do long for is laughter....the kind that causes tears in your eyes. I'm in Alaska and I can go to a lake or fishing any time. But people r few and finding those people who r looking for true fulfillment are scarce. I won't let my sisters "should" me anymore. I do have a healthy curiosity about life, but I need to cultivate a sense of adventure. Iam an analytical personality and sometimes that can stagnate a person, but it is usually a safe way to be, but maybe I need little less safety!
LinSC - I too am very analytical or 'was'.....I still am, but have worked to balance the other part of my brain. I dabble in creative things in my retirement, as simple as taking photos and then cropping and editing to painting and restoring furniture....These are things that I enjoy but am not good at. Before recovery, I was very, very black and white and if I didn't do 'well' - I often quit, never taking the time to practice and improve.
I love to cook and explore taking old recipes and working to create them healthier. I enjoy gardening, etc. I am an intense person so don't seek laughter, but instead seek things that bring me joy and/or comfort. Most of my laughing times come from my meetings, my softball and/or my outings with gal pals. I am not into large crowds or bars so smaller gatherings for me bring about the most joy!
I belong to 5+ different text groups. Some are just for fun, some are for recovery and some are for softball. I get a ton of laughter from those exchanges as well. Same with Facebook - I am not keen on the general population of it, but belong to several smaller groups that are private that also bring me joy, laughter and peace.
You'll get there.....trial/error is the name of the game!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
