Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

CyndiODAT · Senior Member

Stinkin' Thinkin'

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I know that, for me, it's abandonment issues or that feeling that I will never 'be enough' for anybody. I literally had to write in a journal about these issues and do some studying up on ACOA issues. I wrote in my journal:
I am enough
I am enough because God created me
I am enough because God said so
etc etc

My worth isn't measured by what relationships I am in: married, single, girlfriend, wife.....No matter what label I had upon me and no matter who put it there didn't change who i was at my core. I still had to face me and I still do today and that would be the case even if I weren't with my current beau. So, I write and I write down affirmations in a journal about the fact that I have value and worth. My dad told me MANY YEARS ago that I was worthless and that I should never have been born and that they should have aborted me because my birth ruined his promising life. I believed him and I carried it around for 2 decades. I don't believe that anymore but those old negative thought patterns still creep in and I hear his voice. The best way i know how to shut that out is to work my program, call my sponsor, and start journaling positive affirmations. Hugs to you today!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cyndi, I no longer attempt to analyze where or why these thoughts come to me, instead I look on them as my ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts ). Asset and gratitude lists help tremendously.

Since alanon has taught me to "Focus on myself" ,I now hear them loud and clear and can use my alanon slogans or the serenity prayer to eliminate them.

I did this very successfully when I found myself traveling to work and "in my mind","fighting with all my co workers" - by the time I arrived at the office, I was angry with everyone and the day was difficult. When I accepted that this was a waste of my energy and time , I recited the serenity prayer over and over in my mind and when I arrived at the office, I was calm and the day went extremely well. After a few weeks of forcing this concentration it became automatic and today, I recite the serenity prayer or look at mature when I walk --- NO more ANTS.

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cyndi, I also have a great ability to invent negative ideas, especially about things that might ... could... maybe happen in the future. I can quickly spin a story in my mind, with great details, about something bad that has not happened and might never happen. False Evidence Appearing Real.

I heard something from an Al Anon friend, that she said was passed down to her from her sponsor, and it helps me. It's the question: "If you're going to make s*** up, why not make up good s*** ?"

When I notice that I'm making up a story, I say that to myself. It makes me laugh and it stops the flow of negative thoughts. If you knew me, you'd know I almost never use that kind of language, which makes it extra helpful for getting my attention. By stopping the negative thoughts, it leaves room for positive ones to come in.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

What causes the stinkin' thinkin'? In my experience a combo of fear and useless old tapes playing in my head. What helps? A number of things.

Get busy doing stuff that makes you feel good and think happy thoughts.
Affirmations as mentioned above.
Thought blocking - recognize a negative thought for what it is -negative, unhelpful, and often unsubstantiated. Then force yourself to dismiss it.
Ask yourself if your internal dialog is what a friend would say to you or a therapist or anyone kind...then respect and go with what those people WOULD say.
Choose to be around people that celebrate you, validate you, and appreciate you. That way, you will also do the same for yourself.
Alanon meetings - those people (we) are your family. We all know what it is like to be degraded, blamed, and gaslighted in tationships. We understand and help each other heal.

Stop being mean to yourself!

My motto: You have to be your own cheerleader and best friend in life cuz NOBODY can do it better than you!

Internal dialog now saying " Go Cyndi, go Cyndi!" (while doing the cabbage patch dance) and telling yourself you rock!

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

When i just went thru rejection it was very powerful, it took me a
long time to move thru it, it was an ongoing battle with my Self
worth, self esteem and abandonment following in its wake.

Rejection was my go to feeling for awhile I had to replace that
feeling with Something positive and healing. I needed to stop it
before it came inside.

I really dont remember what i did, i stopped it though thru conscious
effort. It was a terrible feeling that hurt my heart and soul every time.

((((( cyndi ))))))

reener · Member

This is a very very good subject for me who also was raised with the negativity of alcoholism for 37 years. It took our program and our loving HP the and the fellowship to tell me the consequences were temporary and they are. I know the negative process today, what it looks like, feels like, sounds like and is and also know the recovery from it process. I choose to keep myself in the recovery process. The recovery thoughts, feelings and behaviors so that I am already there if and when a negative event tries to start. Mindset, slogans, experiences, prayer and meditation and the constant awareness that HP is real and at hand works for me. Mahalo for the share. ((((HUGs)))) smile

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Great topic and lovely tools above me!! I was taught early on that when my brain goes 'there' - I have choices. I can sit and dwell or I can take action. Action is above me in detail and I've done several/many depending upon the moment/issue/day. I have become very tuned in to back to basics this year....for me all the answers I need for all my issues are 'in the book' or 'in the program'. So - I do any of the above and/or:

- Prayer for me has become a lovely way to change my thought process. I have been walking this week without my music as we've had rain and I didn't want my phone to get wet. I use my morning walk usually as my prayer/meditation time and listen to Christian Rock so when I can't have my music to focus me, I go back to any prayers I can think of.....the other day I recited the Serenity Prayer, followed by The Closing Prayer, followed by several prayers from my youth I had to memorize in grade school.....kind of fun that I could recall some (and not others).

One of my favorite songs has the best lyrics - Just be Held by Casting Crowns

Hold it all together -
Everybody needs you strong.

But life hits you out of nowhere,
And barely leaves you holding on.

And when you're tired of fighting -
Chained by your control -
There's freedom in surrender...
Lay it down and let it go...

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held.
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.
Just be held, just be held...

If your eyes are on the storm -
You'll wonder if I love you still.
But if your eyes are on the cross -
You'll know I always have and I always will.
And not a tear is wasted,
In time, you'll understand -
I'm painting beauty with the ashes -
Your life is in My hands...

This is written has if HP is speaking to me and for a reason I don't entirely know, it speaks to me. You can hear it here if you want....www.youtube.com/watch

This song and others like it help me when I can't focus on literature and/or can't get to a meeting (middle of the night most often).

(((Cyndi))) - you got this!!!

ClearTheFog · Senior Member

What a great thread and responses! Thank you. Thanks Betty for the reminder about gratitude! It gets easier the more I do it, and remembering how much it helps makes it easier to try to access the gratitude later.

I'm in the middle of a debacle at work. I've been working for more than a decade in a highly codependent set-up (bosses like parents - sometimes even drunk, workers like helpless children), never daring to ask for a raise, getting a bristly response if I hinted at it, no 401K, sketchy health insurance partially out of my own pocket and watching other better paid co-workers get slowly forced out for trivial things. I finally lucked out and got a nice paying job somewhere else with what seem like (as far as I can tell right now) very calm, kind, gentle people and a real company with a real HR dept and benefits. I handed in my notice this week and suddenly found out they would just about do anything for me not to leave. This is a huge surprise to me, given how underpaid I have been for a few years (yes, I put up with it, and I'm not playing the victim here nor trying to force them in some strategic move - I just want to work somewhere where they WANT to pay me more). I could have doubled my salary and stayed, but I am listening to my gut and head, and am sure about leaving, even though it has felt like a (kinda messed up) family. My boss is acting very hurt, like I shot his dog or stabbed him in the heart...so what do *I* feel? GUILT! I now feel tons of guilt! Why? For heaven's sake! I sit at my desk crying and almost want to say I'll stay, out of GUILT!

I am disgusted with myself. Have I not learned anything from my al anon studies and work? I tried handing all his sadness and pity party back to him. I tried thinking this'll give him the opportunity and dignity to learn how to deal with this situation of trying to replace me in a short time. But it hasn't worked. I feel 100% responsible for his feelings. It's just business! They'll be FINE! Stinkin' Thinkin' indeed. I have been straight forward and honest with him about what led me to this point, to leave. I don't really think I have done anything wrong. Whenever there is general sadness about a situation that I didn't necessarily cause, I tend to flip straight to guilt, for some reason, as if that'd help me control things better. Makes no logical sense at all.

I just wrote a gratitude list and it has helped elevate my mood.

At times like this, this board usually snaps me out of it. There is usually something that nails it on each thread. The 'tool box' lists help me too, and the threads with catchy phrases or acronyms.

-- Edited by ClearTheFog on Thursday 7th of July 2016 06:41:09 PM

CyndiODAT · Senior Member

You are all so amazing and beautiful - I have gotten so much from each and every response in this thread. It always amazes me, the 'zig zag' nature of recovery. I see it happen in myself... I can be on top of the world, SuperWoman... "I got this".... and within the space of a day, it's like I'm back at my first Al-anon meeting, starting all over again!

As for today, I am doing much, much better. Grateful that I had the inner strength to take care of myself, even though the 'right' thing to do is not always the most pleasant feeling. Grateful that I had the strength to feel my feelings instead of distracting myself from them. And I am most grateful that I have self awareness... I know myself well and I know that nothing happens without a higher purpose in my life. I remind myself it is OKAY to feel sad , and that it is a NORMAL feeling after a 'breakup' to feel a sense of loss. This was only two months, and it felt more 'painful' I think then my breakup recently after 8 months. I believe it's because I did not allow myself enough time to 'fill the space' inside myself to become 'whole' again, before I connected with this dear friend of mine. So what happened here is I simply re-opened the wound from my recent bigger breakup. I now realize my friend and I 'used' each other to fill spaces within ourselves that we had not healed for ourselves first. This does not make me unworthy or unlovable. It simply makes me human.

I am extremely grateful to all of you here, sharing such wonderful and thoughtful ESH, tools, songs.... this was so very helpful to me!

Hugs,
Cyndi

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Great share Cyndi, i am trying to sit with uncomfortable
Feelings and emotions now and it is tough. Its usually The
deep inner codie stuff. I just let it come and try to have
Strength and Courage and that it will pass and that i will
survive and be Better for it.

((((( Cyndi ))))))

CyndiODAT · Senior Member

A counselor used to coach me to lean in to the feelings and describe how they feel physically in my body. So when I felt 'sad' this week, I labeled the physical sensations... my heart felt 'tight', my shoulders felt 'heavy'. It seemed that once I 'labeled' the sensations, the feeling would change, shift or subside. It basically helps me to embrace my feelings as part of me and I trust that I'm not going to 'die' from these 'feelings'. They pass. They always pass. Hugs Mirandac ((oooo))

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks Cyndi i will try it, my emotional pain
Is so intense sometimes and I just want to run
And hide From it and dig a hole.

Hugs

(((((( cyndi )))))

marniep222 · Veteran Member

I needed this today. I have been in a horrible tornado for 3 days. I haven't been able to redirect - and I am just stuck. Thanks for everyone's shares, I will take all advice to heart, and hopefully be able to come out of this.

CyndiODAT · Senior Member

Stay with it Mirandac, I always feel better going *through* it, instead of around it. <3

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for sharing your ESH and focus on recovery, many good things to remember! And thank you Cyndi for your honesty in your journey.

Something that I have working hard on lately is 'One Day at a Time'. After some reflection, I realized that my stinkin thinkin often involved fearful projections into the future or reinforcing it with negative thoughts about past events. Forcing my thoughts back to the moment, right now, today, helps cut the negative mind chatter of fear and imagination (C2C p. 150).

It is very helpful for me to remember that no one ever truly sees reality, merely a version of reality as influenced by our thoughts and perspectives. I am in control of my perception of reality, and a positive 'reality' I choose can be just as powerful and 'real' as any negative one that ambushes me. I just need to change the 'lense, I'm looking through by reviewing a slogan, reading, or serenity prayer.

So grateful for the wisdom of the program and the fellowship

CyndiODAT · Senior Member

I like those thoughts Paul, thanks for sharing. A counselor once advised me to focus on what I KNOW, not what I think I know. So I really work to keep my thoughts focused on what I know for sure based on facts, not the 'stories' my mind likes to create. I think as long as I am aware when my thoughts turn to the negative, defeating type... I can turn things around pretty quickly - especially with many of the tools and ideas offered here.

Hugs,
Cyndi

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

I was just battling my negative thoughts and feelings
And it brought me up short. Where are they coming
From, STOP. They have no place in my recovery if I
Am around neagtive people for long periods of time
I can feel myself slip and i give myself an attitude
adjustment.

Thats what i just had to do, it starts With looking at
someone and thinking a negative Thought someone
I might not even know them. Its Feels Like the devil
is sitting on my shoulder whispering. Who am i do
judge anyone else or think bad thoughts about them.
I was also having negative self talks which i have not
Had since my ex moved out.

I know its my inner conflicts that is triggering my
Stress and then trauma and i need to be mindful of
myself And my surroundings. I do not like the black
Hole and i try very hard to stay away from it and all
It represents.

Thanks for letting me share where i am at and my
Struggles.

(((((( hugs )))))

Maresie · Senior Member

Never enough

Maresie · Senior Member

Never enough. Woops sorry about messing up before . I think it is such an art to step away from a friendship, a role, whatever it is that keeps you down. I stepped away from a friendship recently. I would like to beat myself up about not being able to step away before. Now I have another friendship on the agenda I need to step away from and it is when and how. I think.for me the stepping away happens when I have learned enough. I do know there are people out there who want relationships that are not entanglements. I just have to want that too. I am looking forward rather than backwards. I can beat myself up about EVERYTHING!!!! I think this thread is very exciting Maresie

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene