The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's Courage to Change reading discusses how our outlook and attitudes are distorted by the disease, and how the program can offer us a new way to approach conflicts and issues. Most often, before our program, we looked at fault in every conflict and in every confrontation. We stewed over assigning blame, often spending hours looking at the evidence just to do so. The reading discusses being a 'chronic scorekeeper', and how we became defensive and anxious as we approached each situation with this attitude. For many of us, we lived with perpetual guilt and anger because of our own outlook and distorted thinking.
Al-Anon helps us understand that disputes exist even when everyone is doing their best. If we obsessively review everyone's behavior focusing beyond our own contribution, our serenity is affected. If we can instead focus on the part that we played, we can own our mistakes, make amends and then move on. We learn in the program that conflict is not an indication of someone being wrong - it can just be a matter of people simply disagreeing.
Today's reminder --- Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of wringing my hands and pointing my finger, I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.
Today's quote --- "The mind grows by what it feeds on." ..... Josiah G. Holland
I came to the Al-Anon program hurt and resentful, and had very black/white thinking. My attitudes aligned with this reading - looking for blame in every conflict - and of course, rarely did I see my part in the chaos and drama. Working the steps and practicing the program principles was like lifting a blindfold - slowly, bit by bit, until I could focus objectively. While I came to absorb how powerless I was over other people, places and things, I felt stronger because I learned I could affect change in how I acted/reacted. By changing my attitude and putting the focus on me instead of they, I came to realize that differences of opinion and other conflicts were not helped by extreme emotions or the blame game.
Today, I am grateful to focus on one day at a time, and staying present instead of looking backwards or projecting forward. I tore up my scorecards during my step work, and do my best to accept others exactly as they are. My willingness to keep an open mind, and focus on me has given me freedom to act/react differently and to know in my head and heart that ... 5+2 = 7 as does 4+3. There are many paths on this journey, and my way is not the only way or the best way - it's just one way.
Happy Thursday MIP family - make it a great day!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello IAM, Thanks for sharing your thoughts on today's reading. Powerful read indeed !!!
The quote is oh so true. Today, thanks to alanon I make sure my mind dwells on positive thoughts such as prayer or observing the beauty of nature as l walk around----- It works!!! No more obsessive thoughts on how someone annoyed me or hurt me. What a waste of time!!
Thanks for your service. Enjoy the day
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 01:00:59 PM
I remember early on starting to see how much time was consumed by trying to allocate blame in every situation. Once someone was at fault, and made to feel awful, then a situation was considered 'resolved". ugh! I recall seeing this in action a few years ago when I visited my family. There was a drama when their dog got out. My brother left the gate open so it was his fault, until he pointed out that he had his arms full carrying my mothers bags, and she was meant to be behind him, so then it was her fault for a few minutes. Until she countered that she had 'been distracted yelling at her husband to hurry up because he was taking so long". (I had to hide a laugh over that one). It stopped being stepdad's fault when he argued that he couldn't find his keys, and he couldn't find them because my brother had moved them to make room for his computer on the dining table, so it was my brother's fault-until he argued that he had to move stuff from the table because my sister, who wasn't there at the time, had "all of her stuff on the table and there's no room for anything else". The chain ended there because she wasn't there to defend herself and my mother announced triumphantly that it was my sister's fault that the dog got out and everyone bad-mouthed her for a few minutes and then we got on with our lives. This was all done in seriousness and anger too; no-one else was laughing!! They were furiously shouting at each other until a culprit could be identified. Anyway I share this silly story because it was the first time I realised how very distracted we all were (and have always been) with allocating blame as our only problem-solving tool, and how utterly pointless and unhelpful it is!!
Anyway it astounded me to see how much this pervaded my life; if there's a problem, find someone to blame and make them feel terrible. I still revert to it as a default response sometimes and have to pull myself up. There are far better ways!!!!!
-- Edited by missmeliss on Thursday 7th of July 2016 08:50:22 AM
__________________
If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
