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Today is one of those days when I just don't have all the answers for my son. His learning disabilities confound me and I am struggling to find the right 'next step' to take for him when it comes to getting him the help he needs to finish his senior year. Trying my best to not beat myself up over the past and why I made the decisions I made. We can only press forward and move towards tomorrow and set a path ahead for him. He will be 18 soon, yet I feel like I'm dealing with a 14 year old. My bf has been very patient lately and has done a good job of letting me parent yet also encouraging me to step back and let my son flounder safely when needed.
Things are good. But, I need prayer for me to have God guide my heart and my soul and for Him to put the right resources in front of me.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Sending prayers up for your son. I have 3 sons and they were all different when growing up. You love your kids like crazy and only wish the best for them.... thats what I am wishing for you.... linsc
(((andromeda))) - I too am sending prayers and positive thoughts your way for all of you! I agree with LinSC - I only had the 2 boys but their needs were quite different. I have often said that maturity for the males in my family are reversed - my youngest has the most and my AH has the least.
Know we are here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Prayers...AND gratitude, even IF he was functioning at the level of a 14 year old that would not be unusual given some of his disabilities and a lot of kids with those specific problems have WORSE functioning levels. Did you ever think maybe you did so freaking awesome just to help him get where he is now? Cuz I think that is more likely.
I like Mark's thinking here. I have to tell that to my wife often. She often focuses on the negative aspects of how her alcoholism has affected our son, but she almost never sees the positive influences she has had on our son, I often have to remind her of it. Keep reminding yourself of the positive aspects you have had. it's hard to see when you are right in there, but step back and look at the things you have done with what you have been given.
Thanks everyone! Mark and Kenny, I really appreciate the different perspective. My XAH apparently has been throwing me under the bus to our son lately telling him what an awful job I did of schooling him and not getting him the help that was needed, etc. He is so good at blame and at skirting his own responsibilities. I get really beaten down, you know, and I'm quite good at beating myself up as well!
My son thankfully can drive, find his way around town just fine, and can get himself to tutoring, his counseling appointments, to tennis practice, etc.
It's hard because most people see a normal kid. But, his brain just isn't like everyone else's. He's going through a few other struggles that are personal to him right now and it pains my momma heart to see this. And I just screwed up big time at work and I'm ticked off at myself already. I just need a good cry.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I so know where you're coming from. I love the answers here. It is rich of your ex-AH to say that you fell down on the job somewhere, after you devoting years and years to the effort single-handed. Maybe not having an active alcoholic for a dad might have made a difference he could have contributed? You have been carrying the burden for two parents all these years. It's always easy to see where our kids still need some growing. But truth to tell, 18 is not very old and most 18-year-olds are not very mature or capable, even though they pretend they are. So I'd bet he's not so far out of line as it might seem. All of them need a lot more parenting as they continue to grow. Which is what you will do!
I think to as a parent it's easy to do the work for our kids especially the emotional stuff. I know you are doing the best you can and kids don't come with instructions.
There are life lessons we all need to learn .. he's got his own stuff to figure out.
Here's a weird story .. so I was adopted right? My birth mother was trying to give me a better life. Come to find out .. I went through the things she was trying to protect me from they were my life lessons. As I get older I accept that more and more.
Hugs sis .. you are doing just fine and your boy is right where he needs to be .. the best we have as parents is giving unconditional love, acceptance and guidance .. you do all 3. He's a good kid.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Yes, ma'am! He is a good kid. But, a good compliant sweet kid can get eaten alive out there without life skills and i feel that I haven't prepared him well. I've protected him and enabled him way too much.
He got into a car accident yesterday and I was out of town camping with the boyfriend and his kids (my son was invited but didn't want to come along) and he handled the accident well. He sideswiped somebody and damaged his own car and didn't damage the other guy's car at all and thankfully, he was OK. He was able to regroup, get off the highway, and talk to the man and then continued on to tennis practice and didn't text me about it until after practice. If it had been me, I would have been calling my parents crying, lol!
He's probably more capable than I give him credit for but I know he has a lot of life lessons ahead of him.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
(((andromeda))) - it is in these moments that you get to 'see' that you did teach him well! I too would have been calling my parents - so can relate to that part. He not only stayed calm, he did everything right and continued with his day, sharing with you when he had a break!!! I say....Job Well Done!
I hope you had a blast camping! Be proud, and know you are enough, have done enough and these situations will continue to show you if he's got more to learn!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I try to not make excuses for my son but I see how hard he struggles. His Tourette's tics have gotten worse lately and they are causing him discomfort. Meds would be a travesty for him, though. And, then, he also has the ADD to deal with and he wants to try meds for it but we know the meds will make the tics worse. I often feel like my kid got dealt a bad hand, like God just had it in for him. An alcoholic father, and ACOA mother, birth trauma that led to learning disabilities and memory impairment......
UGH
Yet, most people will just see a teenager who has tics. They won't see the internal struggle he has, the OCD, the anxiety, and the desire he has to fix his father and take away dad's pain.
As for camping: yes, we had a blast. We bought inflatable kayaks and took the kids out on a mountain lake. Now work is killing me this week and has been a time suck and I'm finding it really hard to regroup: I have court coming up with the ex soon. I'm taking my son back to VA to spend a few weeks with my mom to give him a change of scenery and for him to learn how to run the farm, change a tire on a car, drive on country roads, etc. I think he'll enjoy it.
Anyway, I have so much on my plates.....I can't keep them all up sometimes and it's overwhelming to me! Please pray for me to get my sh*t together so that I can get this court thing done quickly, for me to have my wits about me, and for me to stay on top of my son's issues so that he can someday be a successful adult no matter what his disabilities and setbacks may be.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Prayers and positive thoughts from my home to yours! Breathe and know that HP has his arms around you as you try to juggle all those balls up in the air! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You truly did the best you could at the time and now you are trying another approach. Don't beat yourself up just keep putting one foot in front of the other. My boyfriend has his opinions on parenting his children and my little one as well. I let his voice be heard, but have also let him know I am her primary parent in our home and will take his advice in regards to my little sassy person, but I am the one who has been doing it alone all these years and want his help, but won't let him take over and change everything all at once. You can't fix years all in one day and my kids well being means everything to me. She can transition hard and be sassy, I have let a lot of things go over the years and slowly becoming more consistent, but don't want to all of a sudden become too hard on her. My boyfriend gets annoyed because at times I coddle her, I know I do it and am backing off, but also have already raised an 18 year old who is a very well adjusted person heading to college in the Fall. All I can do is my best and it is enough for today. I am sending you prayers for you all, blending with older children is definitely not easy.
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
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