The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We have not had any contact with our son( 36) for two months now. He is very angry with us that we told him we would no longer support him and his family because it was destroying us. We had supported them fully for two years at a distance and they lived with us for six months. And they gradually overstepped every boundary we established at the start, sneaking alcohol into our house and acting like entitled teenagers. So she has gone home to mom and he, who could not get a job because there were none available of the caliber he was accustomed to, is working and living 100 miles away.
But there is facebook. My son has had a history of 'getting physically hurt' when he is at odds with someone. And we have had a history of helping him when he is hurt and forgiving. Many, many times! Even though we have suspected a lot of those injuries occurred when he was inebriated.
Now he has done damage to his shoulder. And we are not acknowledging that we know and we are not running to help. And this is just so hard! He is our son, he is hurt and we have always tried to be good parents. But we know that we cannot repeat the established pattern. I am just so tired of reaping the consequences of his poor choices.
Oh.....I know what you going through and I understand your worry and concerns. As you might know I went through it for 7 long years with my son. He is now 39 years old and in the best shape of his short life.
Two things contributed to his recovery..... His mom letting go and him going to prison.
My son had to hit his bottom meaning......he was FINALLY tired of being tired of his situation. He was hurting, sick, helpless and completely defeated. My part was to let him get there without me stepping in all the time to bring him back up to be able to just live. It hurt....BIG TIME.....and he hurt BIG TIME but it happened, he surrendered and took charge of his own life.
Now I can say he is back with me doing the next right thing to help himself. I just sit back and let whatever he does happen with me saying a word or doing a thing to help. Now I can just be mom that loves his son and tell him how proud I am to be his mom..
Take care of you and let go of his poor choices because he will do what he wants with or without your help..
(((( hugs ))))
Slogan: He is going to drink or he's not.....What are you going to do?
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Deacon - My oldest and I have been battling the disease from 2 different angles for 10+ years now. He's 24 and dry, and I'm a lot older and less crazy than before. I did all that I could while he was in my home and under adult age, and did a small amount of bailing him out after adult age, but no more. He's been a dry drunk for several years and blames us for his lot in life, his 2 children at such a young age, his delayed education, his financial situation, etc. Whatever....is all I can say!
I am not 100% convinced he's hit his bottom as he's found others to lean on and that's between him and his HP (which he no longer believes, and that's OK too). I became so sick and tired of the chaos, insanity, dance, I too had to just step out of the way and let him do/go as he needed for his journey.
My youngest is active in the disease, practicing controlled use currently. He too blames us for his lot in life, etc. I have to remind myself often that maturity ceases at the age of addiction and that holds true for mine. They have so much to learn and a ton of maturing to do, and it makes me sad - very sad at times. However, I know deep in my heart that I did the best I could at the time, and my 'help' now is nothing but a veiled effort to control, fix or shorten their bottom - all of which start the cycle up again in our world.
Letting go of children is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but had to do it. For me and for them. In spite of what we teach, they learn in their own way, in their own time and those lessons are not by accident, I believe.
Keep coming back and take care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((Deacon))))) Keep coming back and turning him over. He does have a higher power higher than you and who else he is blaming...let him know he has a HP and you are not it. Keep coming back
