The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for today talks about how an AA speaker in an Al Anon group reminded them how desperately vulnerable the alcoholic is. He explains that deep down inside the Alcoholic knows how much trouble he is causing and is wide open to criticism. This means the Alcoholic is always on guard against attack. He compares the lashing out at an alcoholic to the whipping of a sick dog. If we keep lashing out at the alcoholic we are inviting him to transfer some of the guilt to us. This may also prevent the Alcoholic from reaching their bottom.
Today's reminder "I will try to understand how desperately the alcoholic suffers from guilt. I will not yield to the impulse to kick him when he is down. We both suffer in different ways from the alcoholism. I, who has God's gift of sobriety, must be the one to realize his dissatisfaction with himself, no matter how defiant and defensive he may appear".
I had to share on this one because it was absolutely the perfect reading for me to read today. Over the last few days I have started to realize how much guilt and shame my AH really has. He will never admit that or show it to me about his drinking however I see it on so many other things. The constant worry, the enormous amount of self doubt he has about everything he does. I had just said yesterday to a program friend that I can see how much he is actually like me. Gets carried away by his anger, has very low self esteem and doubts himself constantly. I was so distracted by the drinking and bad behavior I missed this. And I think the bad behavior and drinking is his coping with this and his attempt to distract others from it.
Last night my AH almost got in a fight with someone outside due to something he was very angry about. I brought my daughter inside so she wouldn't witness it but I didn't answer for him. I told her to ask her father about his behavior. She had a lot of difficult questions for him that were very hard for him to answer. He was mad about that. I should have just let be but I told him I was worried that our daughter would look out the window and see him fighting with someone. Thankfully the fight never happened but that one comment I made gave him something to argue with me about how I should be making sure she doesn't look out the window in incidents like that. I stopped the argument quickly and didn't go back. But it would have been easy to get caught up in his ridiculous argument. If I did that I would have behaved badly, insulted him for his behavior, and he would have walked away with the thought that I was the crazy one and just enough guilt could be transferred to me so he didn't have to face his actions. I can see that this is due to his guilt about the situation. He knows that he caused the problem last night. He doesn't need me to point it out and argue with him about it.
When I approach things calmly and tell him that I think him fighting in front of our daughter is harmful to her he is much more receptive. When I can empathize but still not accept unacceptable behavior that is when I can see my higher power at work. Today I will not react and lash out but take time to calmly respond. This way I will restore respect and dignity to both of us in the situation.
KT - thank you for the daily, your service and your ESH. I had to be taught and told repeatedly that the alcoholic's drinking/behavior/choices had nothing to do with me. My ego when I arrived was such that I assumed it was about me, and I was blind to the pain and suffering of my qualifiers. It took time and step work to understand my part, and to learn how to be/react differently so I did not cause additional pain, suffering, chaos and drama.
I am grateful that my HP has delivered me from blaming my qualifiers and the disease from my own stinking thinking, attitudes and behaviors. I am grateful for the gift of grace and compassion this program has presented me with and know that today, I can pause, walk away or respond with kindness instead of 'kicking the sick dog when he is down'.
Calmly responding for me was foreign and is not an auto response. It's a learned response that I really had to work hard for. Make it a great day!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
LT I agree If I consider that each and every person that I meet is carrying a different burden, then i can place principles above personalities and determine to treat everyone with courtesy and respect while I keep the focus on myself and say what I mean and mean what i ssy without saying it mean.
I must be very careful to not jump into another's head, feel their feelings and try to fix it.-- that is what i did prior to alanon and it was a disaster all around. I was not a mind reader and so alanon taught me to stay within my own life, feelings and thoughts and nurisher myself .
Thanks for your share
Great shares, staying out of my xah head was a hard concept
For me and putting the focus on me and my head was even
A Tougher one.
Shame and guilt are two big issues many of us struggle with.
Some of us can face ourselves and our demons others Can not
or will not open that door. It takes strength and courage to walk
around In there.
We are gaining our strength and courage working our alanon
This is so poignant for me right now. I find it so easy to play the victim or martyr role and be angry and resentful to my husband. As Mirandac says I have my own demons and I spend a lot of time beating them down. I would much rather shut the door and not look at them. It is much easier to focus on what others are doing/not doing than focus on my own issues. Rats!!
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
