The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need some solid alanon advice. I was evicted from my apartment back in 2010 during the recession. I lost my job and couldn't find another one. My dad married a woman that doesn't like me so I wasn't allowed to move in with him. My mother left me with my dad when I was 14 so he was my only parent. A friend of my dad's offered to let me stay with him. Once I moved in he started talking to me about pornography and I found nude photos of him on his computer when I was job searching. I couldn't take his inappropriate behavior and I left my things behind and went to the homeless shelter. I was homeless for six months and it was hard to pull myself out of it. Now that I am back on my feet my dad wants to talk to me but didn't offer any help when I was homeless. Do I forgive him for letting me sleep in the streets?
Resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. I can only suggest meetings and literature as we can t give advice merely esh and if one isn't in program its like speaking a different language. What does forgiveness mean to you?
Only you can make that decision so take Al-anon principles into your heart, ask the questions of him and of you and pray that the proper amends are made and your decision will come easy.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
For me, forgiveness isn't the same thing as inviting a person into my life to cause more pain and hurting. It is a release of resentment, pain, and anger I have been carrying and an acceptance of who that person is and what choices they made.
I may accept that a family member was harsh and unkind towards me, and find forgiveness but I also do not have to set myself up for more of that unkind or abusive treatment. For me it is a process of seeing a person for who they really are instead of holding on to what image or ideal of the relationship I had in my mind.
My sister has been abusive towards me since we were children. She was verbally and physically abused by our father (he was abusive to all of us but she got the worst of it) and as her younger sibling she repeated the behavior with me. For a long time I pittied her, then resented her as the behavior continued into adulthood and I could no longer take her verbal abuse.
Since starting my recovery, Ifind it better to keep my distance and love her from afar, but I don't resent her anymore.
It is still hard for me to be around her, it brings up anxiety and traumatic memories. I invited her to therapy with me but she doesn't want to do that. I let it go after that. Short, superficial interactions is all we can do, that's the truth of our relationship for now. I still hope in my heart she finds peace and our relationship can evolve once more, but accept the reality of our present.
Kellygirl one of the greatest characteristics about our program is that we only work it one day at a time and sometimes just a minute at a time. I found for me just being willing to be forgiving was the place to start. In time we learn so much more. The opposite of resentment is forgiveness and it feels much better. Keep on keeping on...(((hugs)))
My experience with my mom is that it is healthier for me to love her from afar. I don't have the resentment I used to regarding my past. That has been freeing, I am dealing with the fact that somewhere inside of her she has always wanted me to fail .. that's the part that I'm having issues with at the moment which is why I choose to love her from afar.
Who needs to deal with that in their life? Alanon has given me is permission to find my own way, people to love me through the beautiful, good, bad and ugly. I only wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure it out.
Your relationship with your dad how close you want to be and all of that is really no one else's business. You live with the consequences of those choices good and bad .. I do encourage you to let go of the resentment. I have found that anger is an appropriate response during times of unreasonable situations .. process it .. own it and then let it go. Just don't get stuck there ..
Big hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I can very much relate. I have had my own issues with homelessness.
Certainly there were many many people around me who reacted with indifference. There were also certain people who added to my troubles
Processing that resentment is very hard for me. I can't say I draw the line very easily. Neverthekess those who kick you when you are down are in a category all of their own.
One of my core issues is feeling I need to resolve everything. My family of origin was a big one for me.
My older sister waa and is beyond indifferent. The way that I deal with my sister (which is very much removed) is to stop expecting her to behave like a sister.
For me resentment does not go away. If I am feeling particularly resentful towards certain people I need to boundary up around them.
I no longer expect myself to #let it go# There is no letting go of being in such am unfortunate place as homekessness.
On the other hand having walked through that experience of being homeless and getting back on your feet you have to be incredibly resourceful, tenacious and brave
I certainly know what it took and how long it took for me to get to a place where I felt less shame about it.
These days I certainly have resentment towards people who treated me shabby. No matter who they are I don't push myself to resolve those feelings. I honor my feelings. My feelings are a good way to identify my boundaries. When I feel resentment I don't react to it. I tend to it. I am constantly watching my boundaries because without them I would be lost
