The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here. I have been a member of Alanon for 15 months and usually attend at least two meetings per week, it is slowly but surely helping me come to terms with how out of control my life was/is. The alcoholic in my life is my ex partner who I broke up with for good in March this year. He is the love of my life, we are poles apart in most things and I still love and think of him every day, but it got to a point - my rock bottom where he was a shadow of his former self and I barely recognised the man I loved - mentally and physically. He has had numerous jail sentences while we have been together, the latest being in May and it was all over the papers.
I tried several times before cutting ties to leave him in an amicable way - for some reason I thought that it would work, that we could both sit down as adults and come to the reasonable conclusion that the relationship isn't working that we should part with little upset but mutual understanding and love for one another wishing the other well. This unfortunately goes to show how deluded and distorted my thinking can be. In the end, I had to change my number and leave him to reach his own rock bottom.
The guilt I felt doing this was awful and often unmanageable leaving me with awful anxiety. Coupled with the fact that he is living rough as he lost his accommodation. He now sleeps in a doorway in town. Since March, I have struggled often - struggled to leave him to it and keep the focus on me. When anything happens in day to day life that upsets me, involving myself with him is my automatic response - he is my equivalent of a drink for the alcoholic, I am in fact addicted to him and horrendously codependent. I have had several slips over the last few weeks, being very close to contacting him and starting the whole process all over again. Last night, I wanted to just check he was okay - pointless and not at all focusing on myself, but anyway...playing this game of russian roulette finally dealt a blow and he saw me. What followed was not what I expected at all. He was dry, he was exactly like he used to be and we sat and spoke for hours about my part, his part - he was reasonable, he didn't blame me for leaving, in fact quite the opposite, he had some insight into what had happened and was determined not to drink again.
So what is my point - why am I writing. I needed some closure and I think I got it last night. I always worried when I left that he would hate me, that he would think I was an awful person, that he was ill, that he was dying and in fact like I saw with my own eyes last night, none of those things are true. He has made choices that have made his life better, regardless of me... STEP 1 - Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, (I also add people, places and things to that) he does what he does because it is his life and they are his choices that he is responsible to make or not make. I came away from him, crying but also relieved - because I don't know when I will see him again but for today I choose not to get involved with him on that level. But last night opened my eyes...I saw him as the wonderful person I know that he is. He is not his problem, he is a human being with an alcohol problem - that does not define him.
I told him what I needed to tell him, got reassurance that he doesn't think badly of me, that he loves me as I do him but that being together isn't an option. I don't think I can ask for any more closure on this than I have right now. I feel a sense of peace that I have seen and spoken to him, that some things didn't need to be said - they were just a given.
Does anyone have any experiences similar to this? I feel as though it was a moment of clarity...I can take the steps to move on now, how I do that I'm not too sure but I feel less guilt, less pain and it has taught me a very valuable lesson that 1. Feelings aren't facts and 2. That these projections and worries I so often have, in reality rarely happen... it is all an illusion.
Powerlessness...in it's very essence. And gratitude I got to have these few hours with him.
welcome Lixxie You did have a few moments of clarity and I am pleased that you found us and shared. Alcoholism is a dreadful chronic, progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured, We who interact with the disease develop many negative coping tools that we need to shed in order to recover.
Your clarity regarding yourself and your motives is remarkable. I suggest that you search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend. It was here I was givenew construtive tools to ive by and a support group to practice with . Keep coming back here as well
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 4th of July 2016 04:24:22 PM
Hi Lixxie, welcome and thank you for sharing such a wonderful story of acceptance and clarity. I am so glad that you feel you can move on without guilt.
Where to go from here? I do not know the answer to that, only that it will be one day at a time. I see that you attend Alanon meetings. Perhaps this would be a good time to get involved in service through a meeting. I know the meetings I attend are always looking for someone to fill a service position or to be the backup for someone in that position (secretary, treasurer, literature, group rep, etc.). I have found that service gave me a deeper connection to others who regularly attend the meetings, and this gives me a sense of community that is like no other ... I feel I can go anywhere in the country, find a meeting, be with people where we all have something in common, and honestly share my feelings. That goes a long way to reduce any feelings of loneliness or lack of purpose.
All the best to you! It sounds like you know how to use the Alanon tools to make a better life.
Lixxie - I too welcome you to MIP. So glad you found us and love your honest share. I saw your clarity too and an awareness that this is a disease and the qualifier in our life is a sick person. That to me was a huge factor in my own recovery. Prior to accepting this simple but powerful fact, I also worried what they felt of me, what they thought of me and I was more angry at me than them for wondering. In my warped way of thinking before recovery, they were the problem - not me. Their choice to drink caused them to be selfish, self-centered, manipulative, etc. - I was not at fault or part of the problem.
Ha.ha.ha.....I had much to learn - accepting this as a disease and them as imperfect humans gave me the opportunity to get a sponsor and get serious about working the steps and loving myself and others exactly as they are and not how I think they should be. One moment at a time, one step at a time, we just move forward trusting in a life that will unfold so long as we are doing the next right thing for ourselves.
Your share showed me strength and courage in seeking your closure. Kudos to you and your program so far - keep coming back....it works when we work it and we're worth it!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for this post lixxie6. I am having a very hard day today and your post gave me some strength. My ABF and I have struggled in our relationship and with our self's from the begging. Although we have so much love and understanding for each other and we have come to better place spiritually in our relationship we both struggle a lot in make better choices. He is about to go to jail for the second time now since we have been together and we both struggle with that. Although I have detached from the codependency in our relationship some I'm still very much in love and very much hurting. I know there is peace for me in prayers and meetings. I have been praying a lot but have not been going to my meetings. Every time I tell myself I'll make a meeting I find a reason not to. I'll keep praying and I know soon I will have the courage to return.
Aloha lixxie and welcome with gratitude. What a wonderful share of the progress of recovery it has similarities with my own. My qualifier to the program was my alcoholic/addict exwife. She was not "Thee" qualifier" as I was born and raised to it....I am also a dual member in recovery.
When my alcohol/addict and I finally separated after divorce we were in love with no reason to be married. We knew we married under the influence and wanted steady partying conditions and didn't understand the disease. We went thru hell with each other including near fatal events. Thank god for God's unconditional love or I would never have gotten to read your own experiences.
In my experiences just before getting into program for the second time I suddenly stopped drinking and using and got back into Al-Anon and then ever so slowly started to follow the suggestions without as much fighting as I did and then got a sponsor and started to work the steps keeping my own suggestions as to how to work them quiet. It took me a hell of a long time and guided by my sponsor and so many others to get this. Yes and service work kept me "in" the program. I went to college to understand how addiction to alcohol and other chemicals does to me and us and then after 9 years chemical free did my own assessment to discover my own alcohol compulsion and addiction and what had happened to me from generations before till now.
The forth step done on the mental, physical, spiritual, emotional and moral levels for me was a "have to" must and I did 6 fourths with my sponsor on these levels in order to get aligned in life before going forward in my life. My sponsor taught me to live on and with purpose as I had discovered that soooo much of my life had been earned as "luck".... Bad yes. My sponsor taught me to choose what I needed first before taking the action rather than just reacting in life or to it. The 4th is huge.
You and he have done good stuff I hope you continue.
My current wife and I are in the place "where it all happened" for me back then and while there is a strong memory presence of what happened and what it use to be like I am left with unconditional love for the alcoholic and gratitude for my program.
Follow the suggestions....stay in your program... And
