This August marks the fifth year I've been divorced and away from my ex-A; Last October was 5 years from when he left for the last time and I stumbled upon this board. Thank you John!

I'd read somewhere that you should give yourself five years between relationships so that's what I did, put the whole question of relationships on a shelf and plowed through some hard recovery years. The first few years I just made it from moment to moment, work, sleep, work, lather rinse and repeat and it was good, what I needed, time and space to get right inside me.

A couple years ago I notice I wasn't faking it to make it anymore, my "self" had begun to reassert itself and I was happy to see me emerge from the fire. I began to assess the menfolk that were in my life, creating an understanding of what traits I wanted and didn't want but still not really interested in a relationship, relying on the protection of the five-year plan to keep a safe cushion of space around me.

I was SO broken five years ago - I likened myself to Humpty-Dumpty lying shattered at the bottom of the wall, not sure at all that I could ever be whole again and not wanting to be someone still broken after 20 years. I wanted to heal, maybe that was the important factor in the fact that I DID heal.

Last night I attended a dinner with two other couples, yes, I was part of a couple! How did that happen?

I stop and chat with a lot of people in my life, takes me an hour to get to the post office and back home and the post office is only three blocks away! I love my small town, love small town people, have made a lot of friends here and I can't walk three blocks without running into someone I enjoy talking to! With one of those people I started to pay attention to the fact that I always left him happy, was always happy to run into him (compared to those I groan inside when I see, tolerate and then escape asap); I had so many conversations with him where I could casually gauge what kind of person he was, see how he felt about the world. He sits on a board and I'd go to the meetings, not to see him (stuck to that five year plan) but to be a part of where I live, and I guess the unconscious assessing just continued to happen and not just with him. I assessed a lot of people over the last few years; because I didn't jump at the chance to be jumped, I've been accused of becoming a militant anti-man feminist man-hater blah blah blah. (which made me laugh because I do like men, there are a lot of likable men in my world - men I can have bull sessions with without fear that they will take my actions to mean I want to do anything more than bs with them.)

You can get to know a lot about a person through casual conversation, watching how they react to things, staying held back and safe within the cushion of space reserved for only you. If I'd have done that with Mr. Ex-A I would have never gotten into a relationship with him. But - I was lonely then, and I've come to understand that loneliness driven relationships are dangerous because you aren't in it for the right reasons.

So, I think I'm well on my way to being part of a couple, if I'm not there already. The time to bail before anyone gets hurt may be past already, his friends like me, I like his friends, I like an awful lot about him. I am amazed at how comfortable I am around him but then not amazed because what did I expect? I've known him casually for several years and talking to him always made me happy. I HAVE noticed a couple little demons on my shoulders sometimes, niggling little snots that try to whisper negativity into my heart, but shrugging the shoulders works wonders to dislodge them, especially when paired with a fitting 12-steps slogan. I have defined what I'm looking for - I am looking for my last relationship, someone to grow old with; I don't want a few relationships, or even one relationship every year while I search, I don't want pain and heartache, I don't want to cry, and I don't want to fight. I am a loving, giving person and I want someone in my life who wants a loving giving life.

Point of this ramble is, I gave myself the gift of time - time and space to think, get back to who I was and what I want. I am strong in the broken places.

Oh and - I get to meet his ex-wife today - ha, wish me luck eh?