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First post here. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. We moved in together quickly and it took me almost a year to realize he has a real binge drinking problem. He loves to drink (he thinks it makes everything more fun) and incorporated it into almost anything. Last June he got drunk and I found out the next morning he was up receiving naked pictures from another girl while I was at work. I moved out immediately and thankfully have been able to stay at home since while I save for a house. Since then he has gone to AA off and on. He always says the right things, but then he will relapse and go out partying and only be remorseful after the fact. He will call and tell me "I'm going out" and there's nothing I can do to change his mind. Only after will he tell me how sorry he is and what he's going to do to make sure AA works this time. He will be good for a week or two and then stop going to meetings again, claiming he's too busy. Not long after that, he will relapse. Lately I've thought I've smelled beer on his breath when he comes back from fishing. I didn't say anything because he smokes, smells like fish after, and I had no proof. I found beer bottles stashed in a corner of his kitchen, but they smell very old and the date on them has gone by. Recently I spent the evening with a girlfriend and he said he was having a fire by himself. This morning I went out back of his apartment and found 6 large beer cans, some still with a bit of beer and it smelled fresh. I haven't said anything yet. I don't know how to. The worst part to me is not him doing it, it's him lying to me about it. Looking me right in the face and living a lie. I'm not sure what he is thinking. He thinks we're moving into a house together. Yet he knows I refuse to be around him while he's drinking and he will NOT drink in my home or around me. What is he expecting to do if he moves in and I blindly believe he's not drinking? Everytime I speak to him about it I have to be cautious because he blows up and will say things to me like "You want to accuse me, I may as well do it!" Even though I know that is manipulation and him placing the blame. I have read some of Codependent No More, but hate it because that is me. I wish he would do it for him, but his hiding it from me shows me he's doing it for me. Opinions or thoughts on how to approach the delicate subject?
Hi madow~I could have written your post except I am married to a drinker who after 24years, still lies to me right to my face! I cannot trust my spouse, and only through attending alanon, can I exist in a decent way without being crushed over and over again. I have learned to get off the crazy train and take care of me. Today is a perfect example, a holiday, and I have NO expectations of my spouse. One can choose to stay in marriage with an alcoholic, or get out. You are not yet married and I suggest you get yourself stronger and healthier first, and then make the choices that will work for you. Your boyfriend will only stop drinking if he wants to, and I have learned the only person I can control is me. Alanon at first can feel frustrating~I wanted help to get my spouse to stop drinking and I had to accept that there is no help for that. But the help I do get is how to cope with situations I don't agree with, and change myself, and I am having a much better life. So keep reading Codependent No More, and hopefully give us a try, because help and hope exists for you! Lyne
Hello madow - I too welcome you to MIP - glad that you found us and so glad that you shared.
I too am married to an alcoholic and we have two sons who also caught the addiction disease. It's progressive, powerful and considered a family disease. This is so as it reaches out beyond the drinker and affects most all who live with or love them. We adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms and find ourselves accepting behavior and things that don't align with our values. It happens to most and over time, we take personally many things that have nothing to do with us. This is our insanity caused by the disease of alcoholism.
I too found myself in Al-Anon. I have worked on me, how I think, how I act/react and found compassion and understanding I didn't know I had for my qualifiers. They did not ask for this disease, and are sick -- not bad. Denial, sneaking, stealing, telling lies, and many more bad defects result from the affects of this disease. It's hard to watch and witness as they appear to become someone way different than we know or knew or met or married.
Pick you - work on you for a while and trust the program. I found out that nothing I did, said, screamed, cried or begged affected their next move/action. Things have improved drastically in my home, because I have gotten better. I too expect little/nothing and have found my own peace/joy in spite of what they are/are not doing.
I had to learn that fairy tales are not real and my expectations were fantasy. I found the confidence to take care of me and the compassion to let them follow their own path, trusting it was their destiny and that I should not interfere.
It's not easy but there is hope. We share ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) in program, but not advice. Keep coming back and know that you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I imagine all of us here have tried to reason with our A's (Alcoholics) - it's what we're taught to do when we have a problem in the relationship. The difficulty is, as you have found out, that active alcoholics are blatant liars. They lie so hard they're partially believing their own lies. Certainly my Alcoholic believed he was entitled to lie and hide his drinking, because "nobody understood him" and they were "all accusing him when drinking is actually okay" and so on. So they have no trouble with the lying.
I think, also, we can get preoccupied with the lying, when the lying isn't ultimately the worst problem. The worst problem is the drinking. If they are drinking, in a way it doesn't matter if they are lying. Because it's impossible to have a healthy, close relationship with an active alcoholic. Whether he's telling the truth about it or not. (But in my experience, they never do tell the truth about it. Deception and secrecy go hand in hand with the drinking.)
Anyway, what I am getting at, long-windedly, is: apart from the lying, what are you going to decide about the drinking? I'm not saying you should tell us, just that that is the big question to be thought about. Since no one apart from the drinker can control the drinking, and drinkers cannot be "talked into" recovery (as you have seen), there are decisions to be made down the road. As the Al-Anon saying is, "He's going to do what he's going to do, what are you going to do?"
Maybe the most helpful thing is to find a good face-to-face meeting, arm yourself with the tools of Al-Anon, and start your own recovery. We all need our own recovery because alcoholism sucks everyone around into the insanity.
Hope you will take good care of yourself, and keep coming back.
Uggg big issue for me. The lies, and they can be small. (boyfriend didnt answer phone last night. Said later in morning he fell asleep early) BS! He drank earlier in day (i cld tell) and passed out. Then Im not overly nice today (i didnt even bring up the drinking, but he knows what he did) of course he has to act moody himself and says he not talkng much because he doesnt feel like listening to me reprimand him, etc.. WTH.. is that their favorite word? Reprimand? Always he messes up w binge drinking , passes out early n tries to act next day like no big deal. And if I dont go along with his "lets move ahead" motto then I am being a moody bitch who just wants to reprimand him and argue. Thats what I hate about drinkers.. they do the hurting and lying but spin it on you as if YOU have the problem. Like YOU are the mean one. ugggggg!!!!!!!!
Mattie you make good points.
Even if I say I cant take much more, he will say well, you just will not accept that im trying and you just want to put me down (not true! he knows Ive been more than patient since ALAnon) but still the little lies and sneaking.
Aerin, that sounds exactly like my boyfriend. Whenever he messes up and we see each other or talk the next day he ALWAYS says things like "I don't want to talk if you're going to cry or b****." It makes me feel so small and like he is such a manipulator! Basically I hear "I did what I did and got what I wanted, but I don't want to talk about how wrong it was because there's no point."
Thank you all for your support. It is a painful thing to think I cannot help him and that I will most likely have to end it for good down the road.
When my exBF drank too much, he became pretty much a jerk. He would criticize me passively, use 'shame' tactics on me, I caught him lying several times. One of the thought processes that helped give me clarity was this.. remove the 'drinking' and or pot usage aspect from the equation. If I am dating a guy, or even if I had a friendship with another girl or guy... would I tolerate being lied to repeatedly? Would I tolerate being emotionally challenged by a friend or a 'date'? Would I choose to be friends or intimate with someone who repeatedly 'beat me down' mentally or made me feel bad?
The answer is NO. N-O.
I was only with my exBF for 7 months - but when I started to have anxiety over the way he treated me, I got out. Accepting unacceptable behavior is on me. Either I accept it or I don't. *They* are not going to change - *I* can't change their 'personality'... certainly can't make them quit drinking - but again, just removing that from the equation altogether... unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior. What I CAN do? I can change my own situation. I own my life and it's up to me to create the happiness I seek and want. I have let go of a few 'friends' over the past couple of years because people who lie to me are not my idea of 'friends', no matter what the reason. Easy to do? NOPE. But for me, necessary - because toxic types tend to bring out the 'worst' of me, and my job is to keep my eyes on my own behaviors and choices.
It is this thought process that got me to leave my marriage of 20 years too. I finally got healthy enough to know that if I wanted a happier life and to change my direction... it was up to me. Not him. Drinking or not... if I accept unacceptable behavior from people repeatedly, then my misery is on ME, not them. That said, alcoholism is a disease. Alzheimers is a disease. BiPolar or Manic depression is a disease. All of these can cause erratic, volatile or violent behaviors in those who suffer from these conditions. For some reason with other diseases except alcoholism, those 'behaviors' are easier to 'acccept' and 'forgive'. It hurts family members, but they are able to detach with love and find some compassion for the disease. For me, it was harder to accept these behaviors in my A's because they all KNEW how to get help. They were not so far 'gone' in the disease that they didn't know about AA or counseling, or the impact their drinking had on their loved ones. So for me, that made it 'easier' to change my own life, and leave them to theirs.
Hugs,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
I didn't like codependent no more for a long time
I think it's interesting being around peoe whose focus always has to be on them.
I have been around a lot of people who are out and out liars. I grew up with them
I think it's very hard work to focus on ourselves. Today I went out and bought things for me. That is a new one. I am used to taking care of others.
Maresie
