The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am struggling with my husband and my boundaries and detaching with love. We have been on the rollercoaster for a few years, especially this past year. His last slip was about 3 months ago, which has been the pattern, 3 months sober, gets too confident then slips. Well we are there again. His last slip I told him I was all done, that if he didn't fully commit to recovery and changing things I wouldn't ride the coaster again, he would be on his own. He has been on a better path to recovery but he is once again at the place where he feels over confident and wants to stay at our second home by himself for a week - our second home is the place he slips, the place he always slips. We have had discussions and he has admitted in the past that it's not good for him to be here alone, that he doesn't have the support he needs here. So of course when he said he plans to stay my guard goes up and the fear is present. I see the old pattern starting again, I can see the behavior, he is playing quilt games..."I don't have faith in him, I don't trust him, I want to control his life". I've told him this is about controlling my life and he holding up his end of the things. I am trying to find my serenity and not become overwhelmed with worry. He of course chooses to tell me this after we are here with my elderly parents and I have serious work issues that have me on edge already due to overload. I'm having a hard time keeping my emotions in check and letting go and letting god. Could use some insight and wisdom. Of course I know I am looking for an answer and for someone to tell me what to do and that only comes from me and my higher power. But some sharing and some encouragement from others who understand would be helpful today.
rogeydog - welcome to MIP - glad you found us and glad you shared. As you know, this disease is powerful and baffling and we are powerless over it. From my own experience, no amount of discussion, pleading, begging, talking, rational projection, etc. will affect a change in my qualifier. It stinks to watch but it's the reality of my situation. My qualifiers have tells, like you describe, and I feel as if time slows to a crawl if I watch/wait.....
I've gotten to where I try to fill my time with other things so I can meditate/pray while NOT watching them.....I'll walk, cook, bake, clean a closet, go to the grocery store - just about anything to not have to watch/be around my qualifier.
With the help of this program and a good sponsor, I've learned how to set boundaries that I can enforce and not feel badly about. When they need to be modified, I make sure I'm not in a reactive mode and do the best I can to make them about me and not their behavior.
Keep coming back - you are not alone. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
When I first came to Alanon, overwhelmed with my ex-husband's drinking problem, I learned about detachment and boy was it a tough concept for me. Oh I detached alright, but not in love - I was full of resentment, anger, self pity and I was so 'holier than thou' with him. But, then I realized that I was miserable because *I* was allowing HIS problem to dictate my life. He wasn't doing anything TO *me*, he was just being who he was. But it was me who made his problem MY problem. And I was living a very unhappy life because of it.
I heard a lot in the rooms... 'when I got busy, I got better'.
So that's what I did. I took my focus of of him and redirected it back to me. Every morning I woke up and asked myself 'how do I feel today?' It was awkward at first. But gradually I started to spend more time with friends, go on outings, I started to run and workout. I quit smoking. I met new friends. I volunteered at my kids' school functions. I treated myself to salon time. I decided to live my life happy, and not drowning in my husband's drinking with him. This was not always easy and I was still resentful and felt very 'alone' in the marriage.
For me this led to the end of the marriage eventually. We were two different people with little in common except our children. And now, 6 years later - we are still good parents to our kids and we are still a family. Detachment is much easier now - for obvious reasons.
As far as boundaries go... they are for 'me', not the other person. For me boundaries are my way of taking loving care of myself. They are not ultimatums to punish someone else. In every situation I try to ask myself - "what would someone who loves themselves do right now?' And then I do that. This has helped me in many situations, big or small.
I once had a long distance sponsor who I would write to daily in the early days of my program. One day she wrote back to me and said.. Cyndi, I want the next email to me to be all about YOU and your program, and what you are doing to take care of yourself. And I do not want to see one mention of your husband.' Wow was that HARD! It took me forever to write that email - because if I couldn't go on about HIM and what he did or didn't do, what he drank, when, why and how I knew it... I had nothing else to write! This was a very hard exercise for me. But it worked - I slowly learned to put the focus on myself, 'get busy' and I got better.
Keep coming back <3
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
(((rogeydog)) Acceptance of the First Step,"being completely Powerless over people, places and things" helped me to be able to practice the program with ease. I struggled with the idea that':" I should be able to prevent the insanity that I knew would unfold, I should be all powerful and HE should stop because of the family."
Finally one day the light bulb went off and I saw clearly that this is a disease over which I had no power--nor did my partner unless he sought a program of recovery. It was a chronic, progressive disease and relapse possible.
The light bulb moment continued to show me that I did not have to "LIKE" these truths but I needed to accept the reality of the truth so I could take intelligent care of myself in a healthier fashion.
Meetings , alanon phone calls, sponsor the slogans and the Steps all helped in this painful process.
It is a process so please take care of yourself and keep coming back.
I am sorry that you are on this roller coaster, it sapped my energy so much when I was waiting for the other shoe to drop - in fact I have spent way too much of my life waiting to see what happens next!
As I read your post I could see that you had some great awareness and answers to your own questions - you have a work project that needs your attention and parents with whom time is precious. They are demanding things, and taking care of yourself and seeking your own peace sounds like a good plan. Isn't it ghastly how alcohol can draw our attention away from other parts of our life? I think of it as a black hole!
I have my own stubborn streak and if someone tells me 'don't do that' my first reaction tends to be to push that boundary back so in some ways I could relate to my husband digging his heels in when he took another drink. The three month marker tripped him up many times. It felt so counterintuitive to me to watch him carry on doing something that was on its way to killing him but I came to know that there was little else for me to do apart from stop watching. I sought out other, more positive, things to take my attention off him. I respected my husband as an adult, and of course this in itself is challenging at times! I 'gifted' him my belief that when things went wrong for him he would sort them out. It felt a bit strange to abdicate my rescuing but a couple of years down the line I have so much more time to do things that I enjoy and after a few gaffs and several months of being ghastly my husband finally made his own choice to pour his drink away. We can get off the roller coaster any time and we can also choose our own definitions of what that looks like for us. My mantras are to take care of my own self-esteem and to stay healthy.
Thank you for the support and insights. Just what I needed. Its a struggle and I am trying to focus on me...its difficult when my husband is there next to me trying to make me feel bad and guilty about not supportung him and giving him what he needs, and boy is he needy!! But I am sitting outside on the deck enjoying a glorious morning in the mountains before heading to church. Focusing on me and trying to shut down the stinking thinking! Thank you!
Make it a great day rogeydog......when mine were needy, I'd do something that was not of interest - walk with dog, laundry, closet cleaning, etc. Just to detach my brain/emotions from their person. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I focused on me and my parents yesterday and things turned around to a more positive outcome. I ignored my husbands negative remarks and sulking. He is still planning on staying alone at our home but it is his choice and I am not projecting negative things on him, wishing him love and wellness for the week and trying to keep the focus on me. He turned his attitude around as well and stopped digging at me. I did a lot of reading here online and in my CRC to get my thoughts back on me. I can't project what will happen, just let go and let god and pray. I hope everyone here had a wonderful July 4th. Mine turned out very peaceful and enjoyable.
Mine was good - my dog took me for a long walk, I did a nice 6 mile run, then went and played golf, had a nap, grilled chops and hugged my dog during fireworks last night. My only disappointment is my baseball team lost last evening.....can't win 'em all!
So glad your day was peaceful and enjoyable. In my home, when I began pausing and not reacting or reacting differently, the dynamics changed for the better. It was unsettling at first for all, but a new normal emerged. I now do all that I can to have peace/serenity, even if that includes allowing them to be right all the time! My truth and their reality is often very far apart, but the program has taught me that is OK!
(((Hugs))) - one day at a time!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Hugs))) rogeydog! I totally understand and feel for you. I'm glad you found this group. It has been my source of support and encouragement. Keep coming back!!!
I can relate to this post. I was really worried about going away a few weeks ago on a planned girls trip. IN the past my husband would relapse when I was gone. I had to realize that he could pick up a drink anytime he wanted to....even when I was around. He could go to a bar after work, etc. I couldn't stop him from drinking...I was powerless. I spent weeks fretting about it and picturing the complete opposite of what actually happened which was he had it all covered with our kids, had a blast with them and spoiled them rotten all weekend. Projecting the future will drive you crazy. Sending you prayers and positive thoughts.
I just left a living situation living in a house with an alcoholic and a couple (who I don't know what they are but supremely selfish). I am sure they have some kind of a pathology going but I made it a point not to find out what it was.
The way I negotiated that situatipn was to try to avoid them as much as possible. I have one last visit to make to pick up some stuff. In my normal way of dealing with things I would burn all the bridges. In fact with this man in the past I did just that and my life rolled into another saga of reactions. It is supremely difficult to be pleasant and detached when people around you are consumed with their own needs
Yet at the same time maintaining my dignity is a little more important to me these days. Being pleasant to those who have been mean and selfish and totally concerned with their own needs may seem counterproductive. In fact being pleasant (and I mean that in a very removed way) waa the key for me to preserve e the energy to take care of myself.
I no longer have to deal with those people. In fact after I pick up my stuff I hope to be lucky enough not to have to see the couple again. I need to remain on good terms with the man but I no longer have to listen to his drunken self parties, to hear his television blasting or be party to his conference calls where he put the speaker on full blast (being fully aware I was sleeping)
I certainly know what it was to be considered ab after thought rather than to be cherished or considers worthwhile.
I also kniw what it is to be really swamped with stress and desperate for some relief. I know when I detached from the situation I was in that I was able to marshall the resources to put in better boundaries. None of it came easy. I know as I contemplate going back to pick up the few things I have left my instinct is to burn and blister with resentment I know full well where that goes.
Maresie
I 'gifted' him my belief that when things went wrong for him he would sort them out. It felt a bit strange to abdicate my rescuing but a couple of years down the line I have so much more time to do things that I enjoy and after a few gaffs and several months of being ghastly my husband finally made his own choice to pour his drink away. We can get off the roller coaster any time and we can also choose our own definitions of what that looks like for us. My mantras are to take care of my own self-esteem and to stay healthy.