The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
i'm new to the site and have only posted once before. I found out some detailed information about my cheating alcoholic husband (of 17 years) today and could really use some support. My AH left me & my kids a year ago for his current girlfriend and we are in the middle of a divorce. Since he left I have discovered the current girlfriend isnt the first time he cheated on me. I found out today that he cheated on me with an ex-girlfriend shortly after we were married & had our first child. I also found out in detail about his 5 year affair with a friend he had known before me. That affair was during the time frame of my 2nd & 3rd pregnancies. this friend/affair partner told me they were in love. She justified the affair because they had a history together, we're in love, & that he was in a miserable/trapped marriage. He told her I trapped him into marriage by getting pregnant. That he never loved me, he was ashamed & embarrased by me & he only married me because I was pregnant. He told her only stayed for the kids even though he didn't want them, especially our third child. She said she ended the affair because he had a vasectomy & he was unable to give her the children/family she always wanted, but if she had asked him to leave me for her he would have. She said he continued to chase her even after the affair ended. She also said that she suspected he was sleeping with other women during their affair & that hurt her, WTF?!?!? i'm trying to wrap my head (and heart) around this new information. My AH left a year ago and hasn't spoken to me or his kids since he left. So, I know he will never give me an honest explanation about of his cheating. And I know it's just as easy for him to lie to these other women as easily as it was for him to lie & cheat on me our entire marriage. I deep down want to believe the cheating was just another one of his addictions, like the drugs & alcohol that were always his priority but now im having a really hard time understanding what was real when my entire marriage was nothing but a lie. Despite everything he put me through I did love him and honestly thought he really did love me & our children (the best he could even with the addictions). I know i am not at fault for him choosing to cheat nor him being an alcoholic, and even knowing this it still hurts none the less. And now I don't know what to believe anymore.
ThreeCmom - I am so sorry for the sadness/pain you are experiencing. One of the best gifts the program gave me was the freedom to live in my truth. What others say, think and/or do is not my concern and many poor choices come with addictive behaviors. While I understand the 'want' to have answers, details and to look for the cause of where you are, what good comes from it?
My best suggestions are to get engaged in Al-Anon. You will find others with similar experiences who have moved beyond it and the pain and all that comes with this disease. Get phone numbers and reach out to these folks instead of others from the past who don't understand your situation. Work the steps and do whatever it takes to walk through this and get to the other side.
Another gift of the program is I have finally learned to not ask questions about the chaos/insanity of the past. Each person involved or in the know has a different perception of what was, what happened and why. For my life, it proved over and over again to be a huge waste of my time/energy/joy/resources. I had to just accept that I may never know what the pure truth was or is, and I can be OK with that when I place my faith in my HP.
Give yourself a break - be kind/gentle with you. Take care of you and the kids and each time your brain wonders to him, the past, what happened, etc....call a program friend to talk it out or do something to change up the thinking machine of your brain. There is help, hope, joy and serenity in recovery - you just need to take that first step! Keep coming back here and read around the posts to see the hope and growth of those who work the program. We each have our own kind of hell caused by this disease and when you're in it, it feels like it will never pass - but it does!
(((Hugs))) - you are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am so sorry for the pain that someone else's story is inflicting on you - I know from my own experience how easy it is to obsess about it. My mind loves a puzzle and I like to make decisions based on truth so for a long, long time I ruminated on my husband's affair and tried to figure out the truth. I had a mis-match between what I saw in my marriage and what he was saying and because he is my husband I wanted to believe him even though it hurt.
I understand that feeling of ones own reality being 'disproved'. A few years ago I met the italian wife of my father's brother - a very glamourous lady, now in old age. On our second meeting she started to tell me about her affair with my father and saying unsympathetic things about my mother. As I drove away from that meeting I felt as if my childhood had been polluted and that my parents were not the people I thought they were. Who the hell was I!!!
And then a phrase came to my mind - 'that was their lives, now live yours.' My experience of my parents included many, many positive things and these are what I choose to remember - the rest doesn't serve me at all.
I sometimes wear an elastic band on my wrist and ping it whenever negative, obsessive thoughts come to mind. I don't know why, but it worked for me.
Sending ((((hugs))))) and sharing in your pain. You are not alone.
Thank you for your support! I'm like you @milkwood, my mind works like a puzzle too. As long as I can find a reason (good or bad) I can rationalize a situation & make a clear decision on how I feel about it & what my next step is. Being married to an alcoholic and trying to rationalize the irrational is/has been exhausting for me. I know I need to find a new way of thinking when it comes to him, especially since we have kids together. I am working on that and this site has helped immensel. It was very destructive on my part to reach out to the past for answers...I was hoping if I could understand why he cheated all those years ago I could finally understand why he chose to cheat this time & not only cheat but abandon me & our kids now. And I'm trying to find my own way to heal/forgive myself for being blind to all the cheating our entire marriage. It was a destructive move on my part but after processing it I've taken away from it what I needed to hear and have chalked the rest of it up to the lies he told her to get what he wanted. Thank you for listening & let me know I'm not alone.
I know with my ex how it was. It tears at your
Heart and soul. I was an emotional basketcase,
The divorce brought some closure.
Grab onto Alanon as much as you can and Embrace
the program. My Spirituality has gotten Me thru the
worst of it. Lean on your HP for all the love and support
to Get you thru to the other side. Find a good sponsor
At your local meeting.
The disease of alcoholism is complex and the more
Alanon you have the better informed you will be and
It will help you as it has countless others. The program
Is for you to heal and grow in. Its really all about us
Getting better and getting healthier mentally, emotionally
And spiritually.
