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Wanted to get some opinions on those who have had talks with family members about them doing therapy or Al-Anon. This is my brother who is going through a really hard time and is so very angry with life in general. He is super stressed out and my sister in law thought that maybe I should have a talk with him to discuss our past with growing up with an A father. His anger is really directed at our mother and they have a really strained relationship. My sister in law thinks that he will listen to me if I bring up how much al anon and seeing a counselor has helped me. He told her last night that he feels like he could have a nervous breakdown. My heart just goes out to him as I know how he feels since I felt the same last year. Just not sure if I am falling into the saving everyone mode and if I should just mind my own business and pray for him. I will say that I did suggest that I talk to him - I am concerned for his health but I do recognize that I am falling into my old habits of butting in to peoples lives and trying to fix stuff. I really do feel like he would listen to me and may just need someone to talk to. ESH would be greatly appreciated.
My general rule is that if I tell someone once or twice about something, then I am being helpful. Part that, I'm being a nag. I think mean what you say, way what you mean, and don't say it mean comes into play here. I don't have much experience with family membrs, but once I did sit in at a family session where my wife had been in rehab. Mind you, my wife had been out for a few months, but every saturday they have family day and invite speakers, and this week they had invited my home group. There was a woman there who was so angry with her daughter, and of course, none of us could blame her, but we also told her about a different path from anger, and that was Al Anon. We came out of that meeting convinced that that woman would never be reconciled with her daughter, she had so much pent up anger. We told her about a meeting in a town no more than 20 minutes from her town, but she wasn't going to be bothered, she was tired of having to make interruptions in her schedule for her daughter.
A couple of months later, I'm attending an annual reunion of the rehab with my wife, and lo and behold, there was the woman there who was so angry. I asked her how she was doing, and she said that she had gotten to that meeting that we told her about, and she was in a much better place. Not great, progress not perfection, but much better.
So there is hope in these situations. Good luck, listen to yourself and HP as to whether you are going into rescue mode or just staying in informational mode.
Hi Jazzie.
I've found that sharing a little information that relates to myself and my own journey can be of interest to people ("I am part of a group that really helps me, we talk about how to focus on ourselves and enjoy life instead of being miserable about things we can't change" etc...."if you are ever interested I could recommend some good resources") and then leaving it at that can be well received. What is not well received is stuff like "I think you should"..."I wish you would"..."This will change your life" or bombarding people with information or well meaning suggestions. (My old way of doing things) Offering him a little information is not meddling provided you let him then go away and choose what to do, or not do, with the info. He might ask you more or he might not but then later down the track, investigate further. Or he might not. Either way, offering someone a "seed" of information that they can grow or not is not meddling IMO. But for our own sanity we need to let go of the outcome.
Hugs to you and your brother.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Thanks Kenny I really appreciate your input. This would be a one time conversation with him. I just want to make sure he knows he can talk to me and to just share how much Al Anon has helped me. Our situation is a bit different since I came to Al Anon because of my AH but we both grew up in such a dysfunctional house so I can see how his stress and reaction to situations are really fueled by how we grew up. Thanks for the input though and will pray for guidance.
Thanks Missmeliss for the advice. I am definitely going to keep the statements focused on my experience and not tell him he should go. This was some good advice that I needed. The last thing I want is to get him defensive.
For me, since I can be controlling just by being in the room, I tend to not pick up any ropes that aren't mine. As the program suggests we carry the message and not the person, I've had to pass the monkey back many, many times. In this scenario, I would just kindly tell your SIL that you will be happy to share your experience with him or anyone, just have him come talk when he has time.
For me, before program, I wasn't ready to hear about a solution until I was ready. I truly stick to/with - When anyone, any where reaches out.... - I believe it has to start with them and not me. I use the same approach with sponsees - I don't call or check up with them - it's there job to get into the habit of reaching out for help when/if/as needed. That first step for me included being so low that I was willing to reach out and ask for help from anyone I thought could do so.
Family is difficult any ways......I've been asked to talk with members and they were just not ready. Then those who suggested I engage were frustrated with ME that nothing stuck.....therefore - I step out/back as I can...
Good luck - sorry for the stress for you all - this disease is powerful and baffling!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are so right on with this advice Iamhere. Of course I read this after I had called him. He is still fuming about my mother and just so very mad that he really kind of brushed off my talk about al-anon. He says he has been to meetings in the past (probably years and years ago) but really needs to get in touch with a therapist. I didn't push and just told him we were there for him and his family and wished him a happy weekend. No point in pushing my recovery on someone else. I will just say a prayer for him tonight that he is able to let go some of his anger that is consuming him. Thank you for your wise words.
-- Edited by Jazzie18 on Friday 1st of July 2016 10:50:28 AM
