The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had a resentment swirling around my mind for days, Ive let it go, discussed it over and over with non alanon people, let it go, took it back, let it go and then I have manipulated a conversation through being passive aggressive and the person of course then asked the question 'whats wrong' and then I let rip. I told them exactly how I felt, in an angry tone.
Now, I feel bad. I have impacted on the persons day with my rant. I can justify my rant, I told the truth of how I felt from the perspective of obsessively thinking of it, Ive told the truth based on a perspective of taking a hurt and feeling sorry for myself. I think I need to apologise and get back into my program. I am selfish, childish and demanding along with self obsessed. I am also self reflective, honest and willing.
I was reading recently that self obsession is one of our major shortcomings that block spirituality and Gods will from our lives. The me, me, me's are hellish. Its eems to be all about me, how it impacted on me, how I felt, what could happen to my life etc. ISM - I, self, me. Im sick of me right now. I really want to be a servant of God. I know my life will be directed in a way that means I go gently. Im still like a bulldozer, wanting things my way and now. Maybe Im getting towards another bottom another surrendering of me. I really hope so. Thanks for reading
Hi LC, Sounds like a familiar place to me. Prior to program I always "Reacted," felt my negative "poor me" feelings, and complained to anyone who would listen and agree with me . In other words I fed the monster and then would explode on the slightest issue. I always thought that I thought fast. :)
Alanon and my sponsor taught me that "reacting" is not thinking, it is merely giving my power away to another and is a destroyer of my hard won serenity and principles.
Alanon suggests we talk things over.(with program people)reason it out and then speak our truth.
You just worked a 10 th Step now, you can learn the lesson from the experience and then most importantly "Forgive yourself". Remember we are all imperfect humans and forget our program from time to time-- that is why the 10 th Step is there.
(((El-Cee))) - I can so relate.....I have let things fester within me and then without wanting to, let it spout out of me like a pot boiling over. My favorite tool when I am bothered or resentful or holding onto a hurt is writing. For me, when I write - just pound it on the keyboard, it's a form of release. I often write to process, and then talk with my sponsor and then just pray about it.
I know in my head that I have no control over others, it's connecting my head and heart that often present me with a challenge. Before the program, I felt as if there was a perpetual debate between the two and now I can say it's way less than before. It's not perfect, but I have many more moments of peace and serenity than before....and I am grateful for that.
I agree with Betty - you've become aware, you've accepted and the action appears to be an amends and then letting it go. Much easier said than done. I have often had to go back and make amends for my delivery.....I am an intense, passionate person and often that comes out sounding like anger, blame and curtness even with the best of intentions. Know your truth and use your program - you got this....
(((Hugs))) to you!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
