How will i feel.... - Al-Anon Family Group

pixie · Veteran Member

How will i feel....

El · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Pixie. Ahhh... I face this problem right now. My AH has been diagnosesd with alcohol induced hepatitis. That was back in early May. Doctor told him he had to stop drinking. Not cut back....stop! Has he? Absolutely not. He has cut back, but not stopped. He and I have had discussions where he sounded like he was going to quit. We talked about AA and a sponsor or a rehab scenario and he said he knew he had to do it. Has he? Nooooo. I printed out an article on the condition so he knew exactly what he was dealing with. Did his quit last even 1 full day? Noooo. I hope I will not tell him "I told you so." However, I know that he knows the whole situation and I was there to support him in any way possible when it was early enough to do something proactive. He has a fatalistic attitude and doesn't plan on being around till old age. It hurts me and makes me angry that he is just going to let it him kill him.....but ultimately it is his choice. I equate it with refusing chemo for cancer or the like. Good luck to you and feel free to vent here anytime. We all "get it."

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

I have been down this road. Alanon saved my sanity. My late AH was diagnosed with a number of conditions either caused or made worse by drinking. How I felt was scared, alone, frustrated and angry. So angry. I made a few remarks about the drinking, but they did not make anything better.

Ultimately I got enough clarity from working Alanon that I was able to set boundaries for myself. I decided that what I could do was make sure he had access to medical care and a safe place to be, which in our case was a board and care home.That was all I had the capacity to do. I could be detached and friendly, visit occasionally, and make sure he had the basics. Other family members and friends could and did step up to take him out for fun activities and help with transportation.

So with my boundaries and the miraculous support of friends within and outside the program, I made it through. Although not in a program, my husband made his amends to me before passing away.

So my suggestion is don't try to make this journey alone. Reach out to anyone who is supportive, and stay very close to the program, work it, because this is exactly the situation where it can be a life-saving help.

-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 28th of June 2016 07:09:34 PM

-- Edited by Freetime on Tuesday 28th of June 2016 07:10:28 PM

blindsided · Veteran Member

Hi Pixie,

I am going through the same thing. My AH has many problems related to his alcoholism, as well as other medical illnesses. He absolutely refuses to quit drinking even though he knows he is slowly killing himself. I am sick of his disgusting habits and have to clean up after him all the time. It makes me so sick. He is rarely without a beer in his hand. Went to doctor today and was told to quit drinking one more time and ignored the doctor. I'm so upset that he thinks drinking is so much more important than living. My saving grace is my Al-Anon meetings. Without those and this board, I would truly feel alone.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((Pixie)) Trust the process I remembered that alcoholism is a disease.My husband stopped for 6 years and still passed from the affects of the diseases. I used alanon tools to take care of myself, stay in the day and place principles above personalities so that I could support him with compassion, empathy and love. You will do fine. Keep attending your meetings

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

{{Pixie, EI, Blindsided}} - I just want to chime in again to say I understand how all of you feel. It's bringing tears to my eyes.

Betty is wise, it is a disease -- so baffling. It took a while for that fact to sink into my brain.

I had to get over the worry about what others would think of my behavior, the frustration that doctors' advice was being ignored, the anger at having to clean up someone else's mess and to witness what they are doing to themselves (or as I now know, what the disease is doing to them).

At those times of difficulty, the slogans and a sponsor really helped me. I learned "be gentle with yourself," one day at a time, progress not perfection. These were tools I could grab onto -- and still do.

Hoot Nanny · ~*Service Worker*~

I haven't experienced alcohol related issues expect when I was a child & my grandpa died of complications of diabetes. Back then he had gangrene from stubbing his toe. They amputated his leg & after that he died. He was a chronic alcoholic. I don't remember much but that my died cried & I think my mom was pregnant w my brother. I don't have any words of wisdom but I do now that alcoholism is a progressive disease that can be arrested but never cured. I am so grateful that my dad decided to not drink until he was drunk but I believe he could have been. When my dad died it was from colon cancer. I thank this program for the realization that I can't change anything from the past. I have moved on but still grieve like I am sure my dad did when his dad died.

pixie · Veteran Member

Thank you everyone for responding. I was feeling guilty for wondering how I will feel if my ah becomes seriously ill due to his excessive drinking. Like I was writing him off before anything happens. I think I'm just mentally trying to prepare myself as best I can.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Pixie. Sorry for what you are going through.
A couple of things strike me about your post. Firstly, is it likely that you worrying about it or trying to educate him will bring about his recovery? Most of us have found that it really doesn't...all it does is create 2 sick unhappy people instead of one. If your husband was well, and in a healthy mindset, would he want you to be in there suffering with him? Or would he likely want you to be happy and not another casualty of his disease? I came to the conclusion that me being unhappy about my partners alcoholism added to his guilt and didn't achieve much else at all.
Secondly, there are always people who are of the opinion that what we do is wrong. The slogan "what others think of me is none of my business" helps me in those situations. They might imagine that there is something that you can do to fix your husband but, they are wrong and once again, it isn't your responsibility to educate them otherwise!
Lastly, worrying about what you might think in the future sounds a bit like needless unhappiness. Living in the now is a great way to get through difficulties. You deserve to be happy!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.