The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
just when you think things are getting better with this disease, I am knocked back down to Step 1. This has been a tough week. My A has been sober now for 42 days, but this disease keeps unfolding into this seemingly impossible way to a cure. I know it can only be arrested. But I hate seeing all the physical stuff with the detox part of the disease. My A had a procedure this week where she's still recovering from only being on twilight. I know her liver can't process things, and she's been so confused on and off. It has gotten better (yesterday I went back to work and she set off the house alarm and almost got arrested- it's funny now, but not at the time). She was unable to care for herself until Thursday. Her mom yelled at me because I "should have been home with your 'supposed' wife and taking care of her..." That started all the guilt and shame back to me. But then her boss thinks I'm enabling her because I'm doing to much for her (she was having major eye-hand coordination, couldn't feed herself for a time, and kept forgetting if she took her meds, so I made a chart for her...these were things she couldn't do on her own because she couldn't tell the difference between a banana and her cell phone and argued with me on why she couldn't eat her cell phone. She was a danger to herself!). When I thought she was ok on her own, I went back to work. She was just confusing the house alarm with the phone. Today, she did much better, but now she's unable to keep food down. Her doctor is out of town. And the medical bills are coming in from her first visit, which we can't pay because her boss cut her pay in half this week because she can't work. I haven't been taking care of myself this week and it's really showing today as I have been losing it. I've been praying like mad, but it's been hard to find time for myself. Luckily one of my friends called and said she could spend time with her so I can get away. I really hate this disease. Luckily she's been a kind patient, thanking me and apologizing for having me go through this. I wish others weren't so judgmental. I know others' opinions of me are none of my business....but I wish they'd keep it to themselves. Especially since I've been knee-deep in this for so long and they are now aware and somewhat on board. Maybe I need to drag them to a f2f meeting. I'm afraid they will be triggers for my A- they definitely are to me. Thanks for letting me vent. This has by far been the toughest week since before al-anon.
__________________
Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
(((gabigail))) - early recovery is hard - hard on everyone. I completely understand returning to Step 1 - I actually remind myself each morning how powerless I truly am over people, places and things. It's just become a part of my AM routine so that my head is present in this day and not yesterday or tomorrow. My mind/thoughts wonder often, especially if I'm processing events and/or issues.
So - you do whatever you have to do to get through each moment. I have found that doing my best in the moment often isn't enough for others - they just have a different frame of reference. I believe you are spot on that where they are with the disease process is different than where you are. I have invited many folks to recovery meetings who suggest it may be a good idea and then don't come/go. It taught me to just roll with my program, share when it feels right and have no expectations.
Be gentle with you and know we are here for you! (((hugs))) for you all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
You are a strong person. Im not sure I could do this. Thank you for sharing because it helps us too when we see another perspective, another side of this disease. I didnt know it could be this bad. Im so glad your going to alanon. Dont let the non alanoners get you down, they dont have a clue just like we didnt either.
I don't know if I'm really that strong...HP has been carrying me a lot lately!
My A is doing remarkably better this week, mainly caring for herself and tracking most of her meds herself. I've been stepping away, letting her do more on her own. I've been really working my program, getting in tune with my HP and tackling issues that I need to face in my own recovery. I'm also looking into my future at dreams that I've put off because I was always taking care of my A. I'm still powerless over people, places and things, but I have a greater awareness. Still not there yet, but getting there. Thanks for all the prayers...they've been working!
Gabigail
__________________
Butterflies can't see their wings. They can't see how truly beautiful they are, but everyone else can. People are like that as well. Anonymous
