The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've mentioned my friend that I've been spending time with. I guess we are dating but it's more like 'hanging out' together. Not only does he drink straight whiskey on the rocks, he is also wierdly enmeshed with his sister and other family members. He is one of 9 siblings. He is very close with one sister, and I think she is great - she and I have become friends. But boy if she calls him and 'needs' him - he jumps and literally runs. He basically ended our date the other night because she called him wanting him to meet her (at another bar) so they could 'talk' about a disagreement they were having. He was incredibly upset (overly so) that she was 'mad' at him. She also 'needed' his moral support because her soon to be ex husband was at said bar. Suddenly my 'date' becomes like a high school or college drama scene - who is at what bar, with who, what so and so will 'think', yada yada yada. It was very surreal to me, observing this. He of course felt bad and actually came back to my house to apologize and I told him that I love that he is compassionate and wants to be there for 'everyone' and their brother, but that asset can also be a defect if it starts to affect his personal relationships. I don't want to take his inventory here, I'm just setting the 'stage' if you will. I see all kinds of 'ick' here, and there will be no long term thing here.
But my dilemma is... why can I not 'cut the chord'? I am feeling like I 'can't' be alone right now for some reason. I will settle for having my friend for male companionship because it is easy at the moment and better than 'no one'. Could this be post heart attack vulnerability? I don't know.
This irritates me. I am a strong, independent woman who does not 'need' a man in my life to feel complete. But it would seem that right NOW, I do. How do I figure out the 'why' behind this? Another drawback is that I am drinking way more than I would like and this needs to stop. I do not understand why I am letting myself settle for something that is not good for me right now. I just broke up with someone because he drank, made poor choices and smoked pot and was a jerk to me. My present friend is the nicest person in the world. TOO nice really.
I want to step back from this 'friendship' a little bit and maybe just see him once in a while I think. He never gets fall down drunk and he is a good guy and I just have FUN with him. But I also know he's not for me. And he is non-program ex spouse of an addict. Every time I talk to him I feel Al-Anon coming out of my mouth, ha! I try to be subtle. I just don't know if this is 'good' for me.
I have also recently reconnected with a guy friend - my first 'love' after my divorce... and we have more in common it seems , he runs, and we have always been friends. He is running a 10K race with me in August for support. He just ended a brief, third marriage. This would be a flag to most I know. But he is another 'easy chair' for me. We are just friends but if we continue to hang out together, it could become more.
I find it interesting that I would rather spend time in the 'comfort zone' of people I already 'know' and who are familiar, rather than be 'alone' OR meet new people altogether. Even if these people are not 'good' for my recovery. IT's as if I am purposely choosing to take the 'easy' route and settle for the same old thing, rather than take risks and try something out of my comfort zone like... well, how about NOT dating at ALL right now?
I guess I just needed to get this out. I am being hard on myself as usual... I do not like that I am choosing what I am choosing. I'm being rebellious to my inner being and this bothers me.
Has anyone ever experienced this? Do I just let go and trust that this 'phase' I am in will pass? Will there ever come a time in life where I will not have alcoholic friends or codependents in my world.? Can I learn to peacefully exist with them? I am one of those 'codependents' too lol... I know we are not 'bad'. Everyone is at various stages of recovery or not... I always seem to gravitate towards the unrecovered types. And it never bodes well for MY recovery.
I'm sure none of this makes sense, but thanks for listening,
Cyndi
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
(((Cyndi))) - I agree with Betty - doing some step work on what you wrote might help you isolate the 'why' do I keep doing that which makes me uneasy.....
I've had one of 'those weeks' where I feel I was drawn back into a cat fight with each of my sons. It's a long boring drawn out saga - different for each of them - but some more of the same nonsense that I've tolerated for a long while. I talked with my sponsor and she didn't say, they are still young and need to grow up/mature like she normally does. She actually said, "They are so mean to you..."
So - I am back to evaluating these relationships that I want better more than almost anything else in my life right now. Yet, having some decent periods of sanity, peace and joy - I am just not sure I can keep going back to an empty well expecting water to magically appear. For a long while, I've felt as if it's wrong or neglectful of me to limit my exposure to them. However, I am now wondering if I am so afraid of rejection that I am allowing them to cross some boundaries related to verbal and emotional abuse.
All I know is this week, they have worn me out and worn me down - and this is after providing free day care for one, and a ride to the bank/grocery store for the other....I need an emoticon that shows me falling over on my face - that's how I feel. I know they were raised to be grateful when others help them out and neither bothered. Not only that, both in their own way made sure to tell me they are so messed up because of ME!!!
See what I mean? We all have things that cause us to question ourselves, our sanity and our actions. The steps are the only place I have found more clarity as to why I do what I do and think what I think. Different scenarios, but similar feelings....I think.
(((Hugs))) - you'll get to the other side - you are smart and have a ton of tools in your bag!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I have a friend who seems to be 'addicted' to being in a relationship, even if they are just a FWB thing. She had to literally take 90 days off from ALL interaction with men that bordered on anything beyond just a platonic friendship. She worked her steps around the concept of relationship addict/codependency. She, too, has a very good career, has been a successful woman, a single mom for 13 years, etc. She is attractive and has her act together.
But, with men, she was like a bee drawn to honey. She just couldn't let go of the need to be noticed, the desire to hear positive words of affection, to hear that she was attractive, and to be touched and loved by a man.
I agree with the other ladies. Working the steps is your best bet to find peace and serenity. You are not at peace. The steps bring peace as does working with a sponsor and finding a good supportive group of ladies who have been where you are. If Al Anon isn't working for you, you might want to find a CODA meeting near you. HUGS to you!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
It sounds like you understand your motives pretty well.
This is my experience only so please take what you like if anything and leave the rest. For me the attention and companionship was a lure. It also meant I didn't have to "sit with the feelings," as we say in Alanon. I hadn't grieved my ex husband. So basically, I was trying to patch a big open wound and using a person to patch it. "Feel, deal, heal." I was trying to push away uncomfortable feelings, validate myself through the attention of others to feel "whole."
Some of my greatest growth spurts have come from allowing myself to be lonely because it's allowed for more introspection and a greater connection to my higher power. A fourth step inventory helped very much with these relationship choices too.
I hope you find the answers that work for you. You know how it is.. when we get uncomfortable enough, we make a change and not until. ((((hugs)))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thank you all so much. I found a local Coda meeting so I will check it out to see if it can supplement Al-Anon well for me. The 'addicted to relationships' thing hits a cord for me. It's not a new concept- given my childhood history of sexual abuse by my grandfather , an emotionally and physically absent father... My entire history of dating in general has been 'all about the boys'. I have seen periods of self sufficiency in myself - but the balance is still off. This need to have male attention spikes in times of loss and turmoil. In this case- unexpected heart attack and end of a relationship. Instead of sitting with myself about those things- I look outside myself. Even though I KNOW I am fully capable of going within for my own validation and comfort.
The idea of '90 days no contact with men other than friendship' - my first reaction is- well that's no fun. Lol! But I know I have doubts that I could do that. That in itself is alarming to me. I have some wonderful male friends though and I appreciate their friendship and support. As well as my girlfriends... I need for this to be 'enough' while I keep working to re-ground myself.
I do not have a sponsor right now so I fumble thru the whole Steps4-9 process and don't know if I do it 'right'. I will keep at it.
Much to think about here for sure. Thanks all!
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"There will be an answer. Let it be." ~ The Beatles
((((Cyndi)))), I've been right where your at,my experience was until I had enough of the bad guys I'll call them that cause none of them were good with all their addictions,since I've been in my 50s now I haven't a desire for any relationship funny thing is with that is they keep calling and coming back into my life now that I'm really over it all,lol,before I guess I was needy cause I'd ran them off with it....hugs lu.....had to share this .
I think there is also a feeling of familiarity (which is comforting) when we deal with people who have the same dysfunctions we grew up with or are used to. Because my other thought is, even if you feel a craving to have flirtations or relationships or whatever, why only with guys who are on the brink of addiction or worse? Why not with a whole passel of healthy men? So it is probably about the feelings of familiarity. In my case I know I get this craving when I meet someone with the "right" dysfunctions - I can feel my internal wheels turning and my brain saying, "I know the moves in this situation! Nice and familiar! And this time I bet I can make him give me what I need out of it!" Like a craving to have a do-over and win this time. That one is so powerful.
What would happen if you stopped hanging out in bars? As a thought experiment, are there other places you could hang out that have a lot of men, like hiking groups, photography clubs, softball leagues, or whatever? If those don't seem appealing, is there something about bars that contributes to the appeal? Could it be that you also have a craving to hang out in bars? Not saying that's true or isn't true, just thinking it through. One thing that does occur to me is that if you want to find alcoholics, hanging out in bars would totally be the way to do it. So that might be worth musing about.
