The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Im here because I need help dealing with my life. I haven't been to a meeting and think it would help so I need to get the courage to go. I've been married for 13 years. When we first met, my husband drank all night in the basement with his friend. He then slowed down for a while. He was going out once every couple of weeks and getting so drunk he couldn't walk, yet he always drove himself home. I begged him to call me but he never did. Recently, he bought a bar. Stupid choice, I know. He was stressed in corporate America and thought this would be more relaxing because he could watch sports while working. Well since the bar is in a new state, his patrons became his new friends. He now gets off work and has beer with them while I'm at home wondering if I should make dinner for the kids or wait on him. He also goes out at least twice a week to check out the competition. Basically he thinks his drumming up business but really he's just drinking until 2:30 am. He used to tell me where he was going but even that has stopped now. He always says he will call me for a ride in an attempt to calm me down but never does. He swears he doesn't have a problem. He says I'm the problem. I agree that I have a problem. I constantly obsess. I stopped working at his bar because I just couldn't serve him. I count how many beers. I worry. I'm anxious all the time and I'm very depressed. I too am in a new state where I don't know anyone and incompletely alone (with my son) because my husband is out at the bars. I need help. Every time we talk it ends in a huge fight. two nights ago he told me he's done with me and my negativity. He just wants to have fun. I'm afraid of him when he's drinking. I just don't know what to do!
-- Edited by Jennie72 on Friday 17th of June 2016 03:34:06 AM
Oh Jennie, this is an awful disease and it affects us all.
Welcome to MIP, this is a wonderful place. Like you I live in an area where I have few close friends and I have to make a special effort to get out to meet people. It is really important for my own mental health that I do that.
When I went to my first Alanon meeting my knees were knocking together but I pushed on through because I knew that I needed to do something for myself and I am so very pleased. I met others who were in a similar situation to my own and I learnt so much from them.
I found it difficult to think straight with that anxiety that you mention. Yoga and meditation helped to calm my mind.
I learnt to get on with my life regardless of what my husband was doing. It isn't easy and I found that I needed the understanding of others. I came to learn that I wasn't crazy, or not as crazy as I thought anyway!!!
Sending (((((hugs))))) and the warmest of warm welcomes. It can, and does, get better.
Hi Jenny, glad your here. It sounds like you have awareness of your own symptoms. The obsession, the fear. Thats how we get with this disease. They get drunk we get obsessed angry, fearful, resentful etc. The good news is there is a recovery program for us and when we start that process we get hope and everything changes for the better. My life has changed beyond my imagination. I was just as depressed and down with all the symptoms you described but I take my medicine, meetings, readings, sponsor, etc and it just gets better and better.
Thank you both. I believe you. It will get better. As I write this, it is 3:32 am and my husband was going to the bar tonight and would call me for a ride. The bar closed an hour ago. I'm worried and can't sleep even though I have to work in 4 hours. Tell me. I keep reading about detaching yet still loving your partner. How does this work? How can I detach and not be so filled with worry?
Welcome to alanon. Dive in to everything you can get your eyes on is my suggestion. I obsessed too and being in a new state or country is isolating at first. Its really hard to know what's normal or rational when ones world is small. When my marriage bought me back to Alan on, I took my obsessive thinking and turned it to recovery literature and other peoples recovery insights. It turned out I was not alone and to have a network of people who understood both my experiences and the machinations of the disease was invaluable. You are not alone, check out some meetings, we have some online here too. Getting them sober, by Toby rice drew is a great series of books, cheap too. The merry go round called denial is available free online, its an alanoner pamphlet and there's usually a welcome pack for newcomers at face to face meetings.
Keep coming back and take care.
Ooops. I guess Alan on allowed me to step back from my relationship one step at a time in order to really see it for the threesome it is: me, he and the addiction. It got easier to detach once I got to see and understand that dynamic at play.
Detaching with love was the best tool I learned. It took me a while to really change my habitual thought processes that were hurting me and really feel and believe fully in it. When you understand the nature of the disease of alcoholism you learn that you have become codependent or deeply enmeshed with your drinker losing a sense of your own identity and life. So his moods, behaviors, actions, feelings determined my own. So I had put all the power of my life that truly belonged to me into the hands of a drinker which is kind of ridiculous.
To detach is letting go of another human being, trusting that they are responsible for their own life and we are responsible for ours. So, your husband is out drinking, why are you really worrying? Hes a grown man, whats the chance he will die tonight, probably pretty low. He may drink and drive and if thats your worry then you have choices. You could, report him to the police, that way he will be less likely to repeat it as he got the proper consequence, could be a ban but he is alive and hasn't killed himself or anyone else. This may be a very difficult action for anyone to take because it may impact on you, he may lose his job, he may go to prison. All of these things may be deserved but I imagine its too much for most people to do.
Another thing you could do is know that you cant control him, he is a fully grown adult making his own choices and these choices belong to him and not you and that whatever happens will be for the greater good in the long run. Staying awake worrying about a grown man as if you are his Mother is your choice and so you are choosing a sleepless night for you. Whenever the worry overtakes me about my son, I imagine wrapping him up in a soft blanket say a prayer to the universe asking for him to be okay and then I let it go from my mind. Hes on his own path.
Alanon meetings is where I learned. I got the awareness and began accepting the disease and life as it is , not what I wanted it to look like and then I began making changes that imporved my life and the life of my whole family began to improve as I let life unfold as it should.
Welcome jennie attending face to face meeting
will Help you on your own healing and growing
Journey. You can only fix yourself not him.
Alanon offers many tools and there is some literature
To purchase, the three daily readers and usually
There is a lending library. There is so much to
Learn so we can change and grow in the program.
Its a spiritual program about us not our qualifier.
Many of us come from the disease and/or its dysfunction
And then marry into it so we literally have a lifetime to
Recover from.
I also welcome you to MIP Jennie...... This disease is vast and progressive and a huge component is denial. That's an element of the insane thinking of both the A and often ourselves too. In living with the disease we worry, fret, stew, rinse and repeat. The program of recovery, Al-Anon, gave me the freedom to work on me to separate myself from his actions, words, deeds, etc.
The meetings are where I found live people who understood and listened without judgement and/or advice. They shared their stories and how things have been in their lives and I found hope. I began to find small amounts of peace and joy and wanted more. It is in recovery where I regained myself and my sanity....and I will be forever grateful.
I no longer obsess, count beers/drinks, worry if/when they will come/be home and I make dinner and pack left-overs if/as needed. I put my life and sanity in the hands of others I love immensely, but they are sick with this disease and can't fix me - only I can work on that.
Keep coming back - you are not alone....there is hope in recovery as well as peace and joy no matter what others are/are not doing.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
