The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've got a few updates and I want to talk about what's going on currently. I enjoy being able to use this platform to sort of chronicle my progress and set backs.
Today was the last day of school for my son. He is eight and just finished the second grade. These transitions are really hard for me. Adjusting to big changes triggers my depression. I guess I cling to the routine of knowing that I have a specific thing to do each day. During the school year I take husband to work and then get child ready for school and take him in and then pick them both up in the afternoon. In the summer my son and I are just home. Last summer I was proactive and planned a fun outing at least once a week and tried to go outside for a short walk each day. The other thing is I feel sad to witness the passage of time like this. He's changing and getting older everyday. It's bittersweet.
I feel like my life is just a series of getting from one moment to the next and when there's no schedule it's an endless chasm of moments to endure. I have a painful relationship with this life in general.
I'm not sure why these changes affect me so much. I feel like I'm bracing myself for the next let down, constantly, it's exhausting.
One update is that I've lost 70 lbs over the last 16 months. I have to remind myself that I'm actually doing really well despite how I feel right now. I still have about 30 lbs left to lose but I have been stuck for a couple months now. Not surprising to me though given the fact that my Alcoholics have re-entered my life.
In February I contacted my sister to try to work on things. She agreed to hear me out. She let me express all the things that I felt hurt about. However, she didn't respond to any of them, she just listened. I was hoping for some feedback of some sort. I feel so invisible. Like the child that jumps around and screams for attention but the parents just turn the tv up louder (mine did that). I suppose I was looking for validation and did not receive it. I set it aside because I didn't want to miss out on being there to welcome her new baby. She gave birth in April. I am happy to say that I was there at the hospital to meet her baby.
Her baby shower was in March. My mother was there. Which was scary for me because I didn't want to deal with the emotions I have surrounding her. It had been 3 years since we stopped communicating, or rather since I started hiding. We spoke kindly to one another. Then she asked me to come over after the baby shower to see my father because she knew he'd like to see me. That terrified me as well. But, I felt like it was time. And knowing that my sister was there and that she knew my feelings helped. I agreed to go and on the drive over I was nervous but I was telling myself that it could be like with my mother, we could say hello and it didn't have to be this big thing.
When I got there I walked in a few steps behind my mother and sister. My father was there on the couch. When he saw me he said 'Hey, Alana' in that sweet and soft way that he has and he walked over to me and hugged me so tight. When he squeezed me something in me broke because I started sobbing, actually it was more like a howl. I've never experienced anything like that in my life. It was so intense. We both stood there hugging and crying. And he sat next to me stroking my hair. We didn't say anything. As we were leaving to go to dinner he said we should make a date to talk and I agreed. We haven't done that though.
I feel like a lot happened in a short period of time. I'm still processing and I feel apprehensive and I'm not sure what kind of relationship I want with these people. My sister asked me to meet her for lunch last week and I did. I was not excited about it because the last time I saw her was at her apartment with my son. She and her husband were rude, not overly but enough to turn me off. Anyway, I took my son and met her for lunch. She was already there when we arrived and she was drinking a beer. I'm going to allow myself to be a bit judgmental here. She had her newborn baby with her and she's drinking a beer? Also, she told me about going to her company party a couple weeks ago and she got black out drunk. I just don't get it.
I've already loaned my parents money, for a good reason, but still. I feel like the only way to have a relationship with them is for me to be the rescuer. The whole reason we had that horrendous fight over 3 years ago was because I refused to continue that role and now I'm creeping back into it. I guess if I'm not terribly miserable with it then it's okay but I don't trust myself to know how or when to make that boundary. That need I have to please is so strong that I ignore me until I'm so unhappy that I snap.
I've done all this writing and I don't feel like I've made any progress. I'll revisit after I get some sleep. Maybe I'm trying to think about too many things at one time.
Thanks for listening.
Alana
-- Edited by StargazerLily on Thursday 16th of June 2016 09:41:23 PM
Al-Anon Family Groups face to face meetings really help out Alana as there are so many of us who attend and know what it is like and can be supportive. It sounds like the pain is following you around especially during Dad's hugs. The program is what helped me a lot with the consequences of the disease. I will be spending some time with my family shortly after years of no fact to face contact...They know as I know why there is no contact and I am okay with how it has been and not been. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
Thanks for the update Alana, sending ((((hugs)))))
As I read your post I kept smiling in recognition.
I think that we learn new ways by doing and I have also felt that nervous anxious feeling as the familiar pull starts to take hold of me - the difference is that I am aware of it and that means that I get to make my own decisions about what to do next (well most times anyway!!).
I came to celebrate my tears - three cheers my emotions were coming back after having been stuffed away for way too long. The smiles and laughter can't be too far behind. That howl and shared tears with your father seem ok to me.
Sending you more gentle ((((hugs)))) and my gratitude for your update.
Welcome back Alana.....I too used to struggle with the 'changing of the seasons' - I always do better with structure. It's just part of who I am and how I was made. In my experience with my sons, any event was special to them - even when we just did sprinkler in the side yard or movies with popcorn on the great room floor. I can say that for me to move on from the pain of the past, I had to work this program to the best of my ability and as I got to know me more and why I do what I do and act like I act, I realized that we are all imperfect folks trying to get by....
By working on forgiving myself, I was able to work on forgiving others, even when they did not think they did wrong and/or did not ask for it. It was for me and not for them.
(((Hugs))) - work the program as best you can - that's where I found recovery, growth, and hope!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
That's a lot to process. No wonder it's so intense!
Those family of origin dynamics are the most challenging because we've had them since birth. They know how to push our buttons because they installed our buttons. So taking it slowly and carefully is the way to go.
When I've had to deal with this kind of stuff, sticking close to my program and my tools was essential. I needed to feel that my new, healthy world was bigger and more powerful than the old painful ways. So that when I was with my family and the old things started happening, I wouldn't be sucked back into the old behavior and reactions. Do you have a sponsor? Someone at the other end of the phone to process with could be so incredibly helpful. And always take it slowly, slowly, slowly.
