The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've lived with active drinking for almost 20 years with my ex and I've felt many of the usual things, resentment, anger, hopelessness, fear etc all the usual but right now this disease just has me sad. Plain sad. I don't feel the need to change, save, rescue, plead, beg, reason none of it. I don't feel anger or resentment. I think im at the stage of complete acceptance of the disease within my son. Its back right in my face, no denying it or hoping that maybe it was a phase. It is plain and simple and I'm just really sad. Sad that he's got it, full on. I feel my higher power working in both our lives. I feel him slipping down and I feel me resisting the temptation to 'help'. Helping in the conventional sense is the enemy. Stopping the crisis or cushioning it cannot happen. This is his journey, his lessons, his consequences. I need to leave them alone, not meddle at all. Its hard to watch and it looks like another of my fears will come true. He will be homeless and jobless. I honestly think he will take it that far, still believing he will be saved by someone. I wont, because if I do then that's it for years and years, on and on. Ive built a worthwhile life now and this disease can work to undo it easily. I am on guard I will not let this happen and that is the reason he will end up homeless, it will become his life or mine and misery wins. No way!
Theres a part of me believes that if he ends up homeless he wont stay there for too long. I see a fighting spirit in him, he wont admit his problem but hes bright and has many strengths. I believe if he reaches bottom he will get clarity from this. I know its not guaranteed but I feel that he has it in him to fight this. As long as I stay out of it. Thanks for reading.
el-cee - so very, very sorry for your sadness.....I can relate to that - it is so very, very hard to watch someone you brought life to go down a road that is unknown, frightening and potentially life-ending/life-changing. I too had every emotion under the sun and was left with sadness. I used to ask others how they dealt with sadness and the answers I got were no different - steps, slogans, tools, meetings, etc. For me, I just had to walk through it and do as you are doing - looking for what is good in the scenario and letting go so God could do his thing.
I have worked so very hard to build a happy, peaceful life for me. I have worked tirelessly to have boundaries and to detach with love. My oldest son who is currently dry with no program went on a tirade last night, taking my inventory from his own perspective. It was abrasive, hurtful, selfish and just plain mean. I chose to be quiet and not respond, but this morning, I have an emotional hang-over as I am just so tired of the disease and how it sucks the gentleness from my son and makes him a self-righteous ass....*sigh*
So, I have some healing to do today. I have more boundary work to do. I also have to deliver a message of NO, I will not provide free day care for your 2 children so your wife can take a nice promotion at work in the fall. I dread the whole darn things as I am fearful of the outcome. I love my son and always will, but I truly hate this disease and how it works in those I care for.
I am sending you huge hugs, prayers and some positive energy! Know that you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
El-cee-I relate with my spouse. My A won't even use a sleep apnea machine. It's as though she has an attraction to self-destruction and I am in an opposite mode. I had the sadness yesterday. She said she was sending her machine back. The 3 C's come to mind. But there are moments of great sadness, and I truly understand. Lyne
I here you LC, iam with you in solidarity of the heartbreak you are experiencing for this young boy who is your son, who has lost his way. I wish you strength and wisdom for what lies ahead. Sincerely linsc
I'm sorry El Cee. I see what the disease is doing to my son as a child of an alcoholic and I wonder if I'd have the strength to let him be homeless, to letting life kick him around and letting him hit his own bottom if it came down to it. I pray it never comes to that, but I know I have to be prepared for whatever comes our way. You sound resilient and strong. You have built a beautiful life for yourself and yes, sometimes we have to let others walk the path that God has before them without interfering. Super big hugs to you!!!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Hugs.
I don't know that I'd be able to handle it with strength and conviction like you, if it ever comes to it (and I pray it doesn't). He's lucky to have you.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
I would like to caution that alanon suggests that we do not project and that we live one day at a time, trusting HP and listening to the still small voice within.
I did not abandon my son in the late stage of this disease, I refused to see him homeless, alone, afraid . I lived with him, in his house, paid the bills for both homes(mine and his) and was with him and held him when he passed. I am eternally grateful that i was able to be there for him during his difficult trials, that I knew instinctively would end in death . Trust HP and keep living one day at a time.
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way LC
I'm not sure what your saying. I'm confused here. Are you saying if my son becomes homeless I've abandoned him? I really hope that's not what you mean because I call it not enabling. I think that's what I'm trying not to do. This is a hard road and I'm sure I'm over sensitive right now but please don't judge me x
(((((El Cee))))) We are riding this anxious time with you and with the memories of how it was for us and what we did in response to it. My son is in a relapse period also and doing the best he can without a program and with his own coping skills including his booze. Since this is a disease and not a moral issue I have no issue with him being sick and not bad and I have no issue with standing with him rather than for him. I enable him to live his life exactly how he decides to live his life and participate with the good stuff he is into. When it is not good stuff I detach and walk away into my own program. Rely on your recovery experiences sis...you know the program. In support (((((hugs)))))
The moral issue is mine Jerry. I know my son's not bad. It's me I worry about. Can a mother allow her son to go down? I can't stop it. What is the right thing? Give up my life and everyone else in it? For what? To watch him sink further and further down and there's nothing I can do. X I feel terrible
Can you maybe use that trusty old trick where you step outside the situation and imagine you are hearing it from someone else? Someone at a meeting for example? How does the story sound; what would you feel compelled to tell that person?
It seems like your instinct is to let him face his consequences; I would hazard a guess that as his mum you sense that's in his interests currently. If you thought it was going to harm him your instinct might be different; in my experience we mostly tend towards too overprotective and very rarely the other way around.
Is he capable of getting help for himself?
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
El-Cee - my heart breaks with yours. I can't speak for my active son but can certainly share that he was willing to go down - all the way down and there was nothing I could do/say to stop him. It was the worst feeling in the entire world when he told us all to F off, and chose to be dropped off at a homeless shelter when we no longer would allow his activities in our home. His issues were beyond alcohol and were illegal. That was a boundary I held fast/tight to - illegal activities.
Each time my boy(s) went off the rails, I seriously hurt in my heart so bad I did not think I would survive it. From the first treatment center to when one was hauled off to jail and then prison. As I look back now, I still feel that nothing I would have said/done would have stopped their path/journey. I might have delayed it but I could not influence their choices which led to their consequences.
That same son who went to prison is active again. He's doing his best and seems to be in a maintenance/float mode. I am well enough to see him once in a while, but I am not well enough to have him live with me at this point in time. I would like to hope I continue to grow and if there were a need I could do it but that's in God's hands.
No matter what he does and how this plays out, like Jerry says, you have your program and your tools to use. We are with you 100% - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
El-cee - My heart breaks for you..I can only imagine how horrible you must feel. This is a horrible disease and it is indiscriminate on who it affects. Hugs and prayers to you:)))
Sweetie the right thing next is step two...You are not morally wrong...victims rarely are however doing "2" is a proper response for a proper reason. It is not sane to self blame for the disease of alcoholism in anyone else...I don't hear that you are forcing him to drink or use. We are not responsible either. ((((El-Cee))))
Lc All I was saying is that this is a dreadful disease and that praying for guidance and trusting HP is the best we can do. There are no hard and fast rules .
I thought i could let my son go homeless but i could not. After paying for 4 rehabs and numerous detoxs, I was guided to understand that my son would not make it and he would be dead within a month I then prayed for courage and wisdom and made the decision to move in with him and be there at the end . This is completely against alanon principles but I did it and am grateful that i was able to be there. That is all I am saying. I am not judging anyone, in fact I simply did not have the faith and courage to let go and let god. Prayers on the way within
Thank you hotrod for sharing. Its so hard to walk this road and you did the best way you could. I'm trying to do the right thing bit the whole mother programming lives on in my brain and it wants to enable so much. I appreciate your sharing about your own son and I'm sorry I read you wrong xxx
I was quite desparate, LC during these times. As I look back I see that my f2f meetings helped me alot. Although they were only once a week, I could talk to people and know they were listening, and see the compassion in their eyes, and know they understood. I gathered phone #'s, so during a daily crisis of overwhelming feelings I could call and talk and cry. I could not have done without that daily, sometimes hourly support. I told myself the very worse thing that could happen to my son was that he would overdose or get in an accident. I faced my fears of death as a reality, because that fear was what was haunting me every minute of the day. Nothing could be worse than a mother losing her child, and I worked hard at accepting this possibility This somehow eased my pain, but it's not for everyone. Sincerely, linsc
Sorry to hear this elcee. I can see, at this point, your son is quite young and needs consequences of his own addiction if he is going to learn. Hugs...
Prayers and hugs continue from my part of this family El-Cee. Know that we are all here for you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
El-Cee. This is a very difficult road we all travel. You know your son better then anyone else does.. You see a fighting spirit in him at this point. He knows you love him, and you love him enough to sit with your own discomfort and not rescue from potential bottom. Or this could be the beginning of potential growth. I struggled terribly to allow my AD to fall on her face over and over again. She has six months of sobriety at the present time and I am grateful every single day. Nothing I said or did really made any difference and I had began preparing myself for the worst possible outcome of losing her all the while praying for a miracle to occur. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your son.
It's a new day el-cee and I'm sending prayers for you, your son and all of us who live with this disease and the affects of it. My prayer is for God's will to shine through so we have peace of mind in our actions and pure love in our hearts!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can relate to your sadness. I too am at that stage I'm in my 60's and I know that if I give in which I have done for years when my partner of 23 years embarrasses and blames me for his drinking Wil be doing it until one of us dies. Am scared to let go but am so sad and unhappy at the way my life has turned out.
