The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know where to start. I've been with my fiance for about 2 and a half years. He was sober when we got together and started using behind my back sometime within the past 6 months. Things have come to a head recently where he lost his home and job. He is staying with his mother who is very into AA and Al-Anon (his father was an alcoholic for his entire childhood.) Every time I think things are getting better, everything comes crashing down. Sometimes he doesn't answer the phone for hours (his mother lives an hour away) and I just can't function. I can't stop panicking and crying and calling. I don't know the first thing about detaching and I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. I am so hurt by his actions. When we're together everything is perfect but once we're not it's hell. I'm starting to lose all hope...not just with him but with life in general. I don't understand why God would force me to live in this type of hell. Someone please help me, I am so lost.
((((Sweetheart)))) this isn't the consequence of God's choice it is the consequence of yours. You have other choices now...many of them. If you find yourself very attached to the alcoholic go look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and call it quick. Find out where and when they meet face to face next and go...don't miss that meeting as for very very many of us it had the solutions to our un-happinesses and insanities. The solutions are in the rooms and the fellowship and the literature and more. Please keep coming back here also. In support (((((hugs)))))
Welcome to Miracles in progress. There is hope. If you are able to go an Al Anon meeting I would encourage you to. Until my fiance had hit bottom, she wasn't ready to give it up to her Higher Power and decide that being sober was better than being drunk. The problem became I didn't know where her bottom was, and neither did she. It finally came after losing her license twice to DUIs and sitting jail without bond for a few days. When they let her out to go to rehab, she said "what do I do, and I will do it", and lived that way until this day so far.
Keep coming back here, and see if you can get to a meeting. There will be many like-minded people there, and you will find yourself able to make decisions once you have been able to do some step work, read some literature, and have support and fellowship of others.
I understand that feeling of panic and fear but alcoholics are usually okay. Your fears are most likely about you more than him. Alcoholics can be very good at getting exactly what they want, he will be looking after himself to some degree. Meanwhile you are the one suffering. We get obsessed with the drinker, it sounds like you are obsessed and Alanon can help you. The chances are you need recovery for yourself. Go to a meeting and begin getting some peace from your own distorted thoughts.
Dontwanttobehere - I too send a welcome to you! MIP is full of others who have been where you are and are working the Al-Anon program to heal and recover. Alcoholism is a chronic progressive disease. It's also called a family disease as it reaches out and affects just about everyone who loves or lives with an alcoholic. I agree with Jerry above - run, don't walk to a local Al-Anon meeting. It is in those local meetings that I found others who understood my story & pain, listened without judgement or advice and taught me how to find my joy and serenity again no matter what another person was/was not doing.
You are not alone and there is hope! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I was much like you and still slip once in a while. I would call and call and text with no answer. I was frantic,worried ,and at the end of my rope. After my first meeting, this changed drasticalky. No point in calling and chasing. I can't control him or what he does. I know he won't pick up. I have no expectations anymore. He just left with a buddy to " get smokes" and said he will be back on 20 minutes. I suspect he will be a few hours and I won't call. It is very hard and I hate it but thats the way it is right now. FTF meetings have helped me as well as this forum. Keep coming back and remember tomorrow is another day and this too will pass.
Sorry all of the replies have been ending up in my spam folder in my email! To clarify: my fiance is not an alcoholic. He is a drug addict. I've been told by many people that there really is no difference between AA and NA so that's why I'm here. I appreciate the support. I have been detaching today and I can't even believe it.
Yay!! for the early success. Detachment is a mind saving tool. Go find the hotline number to Al-Anon in your area and follow thru finding the meetings which are available to you...you will certainly find someone to connect with who will walk you thru the process. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Reading other peoples posts has helped me to realise that I don't have to take my husband's behaviour personally, that realisation really helped me to detach from unacceptable behaviour. Moment by moment, day by day. Trying to create enough space to let my own life flourish, regardless of other people's antics.
I have often had similar thoughts to yours - why would the fates put me, or anyone else, through this madness? My own personal answer is that perhaps there are lessons about boundaries and self respect that the fates thought that I was finally ready to learn. I have choices, who knew?!!! I choose to think that my higher power has decided that I was ready to trust my own judgement and to stand on my own two feet - I can't tell you how empowering that can become!
That said, I have lent on the kindness and wisdom of others - I don't have to do this on my own. Thank goodness for Alanon and for loving friendships.
No issues with substances - mind-altering is mind-altering. I also know from personal experience that Nar-Anon (my location) is not as frequent and not as mature as Al-Anon. Nobody has ever been removed from a meeting in my world because their qualifier is into drugs vs. alcohol.
Keep coming back and great job starting the detachment! Keep in mind that all we have is one day at a time and baby steps is all it's about. We don't ever graduate - we just strive for progress vs. perfection.
(((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
