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I learned in this program that when I put the word 'should' in front of anything Im about to say then Im being judgemental. Who am I to decide what another human being in this world (minus children) should be doing or not doing. If we are following this spiritual program then how do we know what is right or wrong for another person? We dont and that even goes as far as drinking. We dont know if drinking is right or wrong for another person, not really. If the drinker is on the self destruct path, its hard for us to watch, but we have a choice to watch or not, do we then have the right to look from on high and tell them they shouldn't be drinking? I dont think so because what if the very journey that person is on is taking them to spirituality and freedom?
If we are living with active drinking and the destruction around that then the only shoulding we should be doing is our own. Its about us changing the things we can. If that means physical seperation for the greater good then so be it. If we insist someone stops drinking then arent we then playing God, we are trying to control another human being, another adult on their own journey. Do we have this right? If we think we do then are we viewing that person as 'belonging' to us? and if so what makes us think we own another? and know what is best for that other person?
We call this controlling and directing and shoulding and couldning love or care or all sorts of things but is it really? Isnt it all about us, we want them to stop drinking to make our lives easier, more pleasant, more like we want or we imagine we are entitled to. We dont like watching someone in pain, its awful so is the solution to not watch or is it to know that it belongs to that person and is part of their journey. We have no right to stop it or cushion it or control it or demand it stops.
Our choices around the drinker should be carefully considered for the motive behind it. I cant insist an alcoholic stop drinking. I can insist or take appropriate action for bad behaviour from the disease. I can make my own life as good as I can and I have a duty to not let someone elses drinking make me suffer. The actions if based on my own life are the best ones. Its not about the other persons life because I cant possibly know what is for the best for them.
I found that I put a lot of shoulding would haves and could haves as well .. on my own shoulders. I should be doing this Or that I still should do that!!! Alanon has taught me to be gentle with myself as I navigate uncharted waters. :) none of this is easy when addiction has colored my thought process.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you, el-cee. Although reading through all the posts are helpful, yours really struck a chord with me this morning. Yes, who am I to deny someone their own path and a possible spiritual, emotional, physical freedom? By trying to "help" I could be the two steps backward, rather than the one step forward they need to take.
I remember when I made my amends to my sister one of the things I apologized for was the fact that I told her how she 'should' be living her life and I did it over and over again to her. I'm surprised she didn't cut me out of her life, lol. Program has helped me see that even when I 'should' my child, I need to be careful with my words and remember that I can't control anybody but myself and that I need to stay in my hula hoop. I try to offer my 17 year old son may ESH and my perspective but I still find that I 'should' him a lot more than I need to. Thank you for this reminder!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Great, great post - thank you for the great reminder!! I truly, with the best of intentions, thought I knew best for others around me. It spanned well beyond my qualifiers and quite frankly, it was exhausting as well as controlling, manipulating and craziness in the making. Working the program to the best of my ability, my scope of influence shrunk greatly and even with my adult age boys, I refrain from offering an opinion unless/until I am asked. At times, they actually giggle as they know the gears are turning in my head....and just to try and clarify I often will say, "I am in listening mode unless you ask my opinion..."
I have grown and changed as a result of recovery and things around me have improved greatly. I consider myself either on the outside looking in and praying for God's will or as part of the solution through service if possible. I no longer look outside myself for the problem, the solution and the cause. I don't ever want to think or act upon a notion that I know what is best for another on this earth.
I pray for those stuck in this program who can't get beyond blaming others and the disease. I cringe in meetings when I hear the if only, they should, I wish they would, and meaningless statistics about how many do/don't recover. I am grateful for the grace and dignity I've been given to allow all others to live their lives in a manner that is suited for them.
Again, great share and lovely reminder for all of us. Letting go and letting God allows me to pray for his will to lead them where they should go - not where I wish they would go!!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
