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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning~I am still dumbfounded, and I shouldn't be any longer, when my A looks straight into my eyes and tells me a bold-faced lie. She says she loves me, she wants to stay married, she will work harder, but I don't see any work. Her toolbox is lying, sneaking, deception, self-destruction, rationalization, and blaming others. My alanon toolbox has a very different set of tools . I know it's a disease, I know the 3 C's, I know I have to turn it over, I know I can only change myself, but jeez I'm really sick of the lies. In my humble opinion, if you have to lie about something, you shouldn't be doing it. It's really simple. I appreciate having the message board to vent today because I think I will feel better having written my share. Thanks, Lyne
I just have come to the realization that when my x's lips are moving he's lying. It is the sad reality of what the disease has made him.
I've become the show me state .. show me don't tell me. If he doesn't show me then I know that his intension in the moment is the reality of yes .. that's what he really means that second .. however he blinks and forgets what he has said, promised whatever the case is.
I remember I used to think that I was special because of course my X didn't lie to anyone else except me. That of course made me very special .. LOL .. umm .. after my ego got a rude awakening and it wasn't me because I just wasn't that powerful I was able to see that he lied because that's what active in drinking and thinking A's do. Doesn't make them bad people .. they just can't be trusted in that way.
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sending you a hug, no real esh, my ex
Was dry our whole marriage. I Think if he
relapsed i would have been Long gone. I
really dont think i could have Lived that
way. I think he knew that too.
There is something inside of me that
Would not have that tolerance. My active
Brother i stay clear of i love him from afar.
My brother was such a sweet boy until 13
then all Changed. He has a wonderful supportive
Family unit, i just want to run. I get that flight
Or fight response. He ruined so many holidays
For me And even when i see photos i see his
disease In action.
We all need to do the best we can with what
We have and work our program and pray for
Wisdom, guidance and courage to do whats
Best for ourselves and our own interests.
I understand where your coming from. Jerry said something to me recently and for some reason its just clicked into place and Ive held it for days now. Maybe it will help you too. He said that we cant see them as 'normal' humans, we cant attribute normal expectations or the idea of normal, sensible behaviour. This disease takes normal and distorts it. Its about faulty everything really. Faulty view of the world of people, a faulty set of behaviours. Nothing about this disease is normal. What becomes normal is the lies and deceit and the bad behaviour. Its sad and hard to live with.
When the drinker in my life tells me something I try to believe that they meant it at the time. If I believe they are actually telling the truth then thats me thats at fault for believing them.
Lyne - mine also answer questions with what they think I want to hear - which is rarely the truth.....I've come to realize that if I am going to ask questions, there is no doubt I will be as clueless after it's answered as I was before. So - I stopped asking difficult questions or ones that I felt were going to cause a lie or an argument or ??? I have instead starting fending for myself as needed and just sharing what I am going to do (if it affects the family) or things like that.
I never ask where anyone has been - that most likely is going to be a loaded question to them....
I never ask what they want for dinner or when. I just say, I am cooking XYZ tonight and it will be ready @ xx:xx....
If we have to be some place, I will say, I believe we need to leave at xx:xx - will you be ready or are you driving yourself?
So - I've done all that I could to say what I mean, mean what I say and do it with I statements. I am trying to downsize to move into a smaller home - there are 3 levels and 5 BRs for 2 of us. I just stated it as a suggestion and then moved forward as if he agreed.
I do all that I can to avoid scenarios where they can manipulate me, lie to me, control me, etc. I use I statements as best I can and just try to maneuver with as much grace as possible. I don't know if this makes sense but I did figure out that most of the chaos, drama and lies in my home were a direct result of me asking questions. And - as El-Cee says - it is logical and rational in a relationship or marriage to ask questions....however, when we are dealing with this disease, that which is rational and logical just doesn't apply.
(((Hugs))) - I hope this helps!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I no how you feel mine will lie to my face even when caught drinking and still denie it . He would say your word over mine . Now he says he going to a meeting and exspects me to believe him when he been caugh in a parking lot drinking , it's really hard to find trust in the alcholic anymore they tend to lie about things that they don't need to.. I just stopped looking for the truth with him . Then I don't get upset when I find out they lied. I'm dealing with this today !
I learned how to have a ton of compassion and empathy for when that happened in my marriage so that I wouldn't kill myself with resentments and give her some margin to lose fear and get honest. It didn't work and still I grew. (((hugs)))
. I know it's a disease, I know the 3 C's, I know I have to turn it over, I know I can only change myself, but jeez I'm really sick of the lies. In my humble opinion, if you have to lie about something, you shouldn't be doing it. It's really simple. I appreciate having the message board to vent today because I think I will feel better having written my share. Thanks, Lyne