The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH is really wearing me down. He tells me he has had a good life and is ready to die, so will not quit drinking. He is mentally abusive to me. He snaps at me all the time. He has urine and bowel incontinence, back problems, heart problems, emphysema (keeps smoking). I can't help it, but sometimes I just yell at him. I'd like to shake some sense into him, but I can't. He is extremely stubborn. I don't know if I can leave him financially, although I would love to have my own place again. I think maybe I just need a break from him, but don't know where to go. I go to Al-Anon meetings once a week. I live in a rural area and that is all there is around here. We have been married for almost 18 years, second marriage for both. He got fired from his job of 29 years 3-1/2 years ago and that is when the drinking got worse and worse. He is still upset about getting fired and will not move on, so he drinks from the minute he gets up until he goes to bed at night. He can't even go to the bathroom without a beer in his hand. I feel like I am going crazy, but I know living with an alcoholic is insanity and that things he says sometimes have absolutely no logic to them and I shouldn't try to make sense of them. I feel so lonely all the time. Alcoholism can make you lonely. I am trying to make a new life for myself, but am finding it hard because of where I live, no neighbors to speak of. Sometimes I just get in my car and go for a ride to get away from him for a while. I'm thinking about volunteering at an animal shelter, but I still haven't taken my application in. I have a therapist I see once a month and she is a big help to me. She also treats alcoholics who want recovery and she knows a lot about alcoholism. I wish I had someone to talk to who is living with an active alcoholic right now. At my meetings, most people's qualifiers are in recovery. I'm sorry to keep rambling on, but needed someone to talk to after crying all night about my alcoholic husband.
When I was in that position I had to really work hard on not taking things personally. Gratitude lists are the way I roll. 5 things to be grateful for when I get up and 5 things when I go to bed sometimes I need another jolt during the day on a rough day. It is enough to shift my brain.
I am so sorry that you are hurting so bad. The shelter idea sounds like a good way to get you out of the house and do something that will ease your mind.
Glad you are here.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((Blindsided)) come here often join in chat and the on line meetins. This is a very painful place to live in and I so understand.I lived most of this same nightmare with my son.
Prayers and positive thoughts on the way.
I can feel the pain in your post, and can relate to the feeling of having no one to turn to....getting in my car and sitting in parking lots crying or raging. It was around that time that I truly heard the part of the first set that says "our lives had become unmanageable". My life was out of control and unmanageable. Today I know even when I am feeling completely alone I can always find a meeting ... Whether it is a face to face, or as in my case here Friday night, on this board. I need others who understand the insanity this disease can bring to my life, and who will share their experience, strength and hope. I need to hear to not take my AH's behaviour, actions and decisions personally.
One of the best definitions I have heard of detachment with love encourages me to take my hands off and leave my heart in. I find when I can do that, I am able to separate the behaviours from the person.
I agree that getting out, volunteering at the animal shelter or whatever, is going to be a life-saver for you. Are you able to leave him alone? Are you the sole caregiver for him? Depending on the state you live in, you may be able to get a caregiver in for "respite" hours or for caregiving, if he is incontinent and/or incapable of caring for himself.
It sounds like he will be needing more and more help as he deteriorates, and you need to find tangible ways to care for yourself!
Keep coming back to these boards. Sound off anytime you want.
Sending you love, hope and strength.
(((Blindsided))), you are not alone. I'm so glad you reached out here. I have felt the same when facing the devastating health problems of my late AH. Anyone would feel overwhelmed in this situation. When I started in Al-Anon, I found that some of the members, even though they were not in my exact situation currently, had wisdom to share on how they managed to hang on to their sanity while living with active alcoholics.
I agree that getting out to do volunteer work, online or phone meetings, maybe increasing your therapy sessions if possible ... all of these are good things to do for yourself. I also agree with seeking out support for caregivers. Is there a friend or relative you can stay with for a few days for a respite break? All these kinds of things are the "oxygen mask" you can put on yourself ... and we all know, from the safety message on airplanes, we have to put on our own oxygen mask first.
I went through this, it was hell, but I came out stronger on the other side. I found help in unexpected places once I started reaching out. Please know that my thoughts are with you.
Thanks everyone for your inspiration. I feel a little bit better. I really can't leave my husband alone too long. My respite would have been 2 of my sisters, but both have died, one just in October. I definitely would have been with either of them if they were alive. They witnessed this and tried to help me. It is comforting to know I am not suffering alone. His family is in denial and offer no help to me. I retired 2 years ago, but the last 13 years I worked I worked at home, so I lost a lot of friends due to that. It kept me going just by e-mails, no personal contact. I liked it, but now I see how damaging it was to me. Thanks again to all who responded. I really appreciate it.
sounds like you are at the point i was before i left my xah. i found i was circling the drain with him, isolating,forgetting who "I" was etc. did alot of research,gathered as much funds as possible,made arrangements for his sister to take over and blissfully on my own now for 6 mths. what freedom,what a nice space in my head where once i kept his needs, demands,circus of addiction.
im not miserable anymore. I was with xah 25 yrs.
(((blindsided))) - so very sorry for your pain and for where his disease is for him. It's a horrible place to be. You made mention of a counselor/therapist in your post - perhaps you could see her a bit more often? She might also have other knowledge of other groups that aren't too far away?
This disease is dreadful but you are not alone. I worked at home also for the last few years of my professional career and wasn't even aware of how isolated I had become. I reached out to some folks asking to meet for coffee and just started over. It was uncomfortable and awkward at times, but it was something for me - and different than living with the disease. I took up gardening, began walking a ton around the hood and some home repairs/remodel stuff - light-weight.
Keep coming back here - know that we will support you any way we can!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
